Entitlement or Disrespect?

Today was a bit of an eye opening day for me. Eye opening in the sense of seeing how people have fallen to a new low. I’m not sure if it’s a low of their self respect or a low in their knowledge of proper etiquette for a job interview.

They’re currently hiring more customer service agents where I’m working and we had a handful of people come in. The first one was my niece, she had her hair straightened, her makeup done and business attire as she should have been. The other people that came in after her were, for lack of better description, like a busload of tourists let go at a flea market.

They came in sneakers, stretch pants and ponytails. The topper to the day started while I was at lunch. Someone came in and they walked her into the break room as the prior person wasn’t finished yet. Just as she went to sit down she was asked to come into the other room. I was in the break room for about another 20 minutes before returning to my desk. As I sit down, I noticed a young boy getting in and out of a car in the parking lot. He couldn’t have been more than 10 years old and he was moving around a lot. When I asked my coworkers, no one seemed to know if the girl had come in that car. I walked up the window when I thought I saw tiny fingers stick out one of the car windows. At that point my maternal instinct kicked in and I grabbed my boss and told him that there were children in the car out in the parking lot heat. I told him that I wanted to bring them inside the building and he walked out with me. As I got to the door of the car, I found a baby that was maybe four months old at the most! The young boy was nervous and kept saying that he just didn’t know us and wanted his sisters permission. My corporate supervisor that was there doing the interviews came out and told him that his sister gave permission.

The young boy was nervous and did everything right by not trusting us so I couldn’t blame him at all. He picked up the baby and walked around to the drivers side door where there was a toddler that could not have been two years old yet. He set the baby down and then took the toddler out and set him on the pavement. I immediately picked him up and told the boy to get the baby and I would hold the toddler because he was barefoot and couldn’t be on the hot tar. Poor little boy just seemed to give in and go in the building with us. My boss was busy getting two glasses of ice water when corporate brought the mother in the room.

The little boy told his sister, the girl interviewing, that the baby had a dirty diaper. She reached over and touched the diaper several times and said “it’s okay, he’s just wet”. The boy told her that the baby had soiled the diaper. She told him to go to the car and get a diaper. I took the baby and held him until the boy came in with a diaper. She was going to let him sit in that dirty diaper, not to mention already letting him sit in a hot car! She said that she didn’t have a babysitter and sounded like she was just rounding up one today and no one could help. I understand completely that in times of last minute needs, getting a babysitter is hard. But I also happen to know that because of the 4th of July holiday, these interviews were scheduled two weeks ago. She she had plenty of time to schedule someone. Even if not, why not just say something instead of leaving them in the car in this horrid heat?

I hate to think it but I don’t think she’s going to be asked back but she’s probably the one that really needs it.

The saying is true that you only have one chance to make a first impression and the ones that came in after my niece today were just mind blowing. These past few days of experiencing my own interview and then today with what I’ve seen, has truly opened my eyes in shock. What happened to having enough respect for yourself and others to show up clean and prepared? I can understand if you cannot afford more but you can tell when that’s the case. But today it was just total lack of effort. Do they assume that they’ll get the job anyway so they show up like that? Would that be called entitlement or disrespect?

Tomorrow, I believe, we will have more applicants and I’m almost afraid of what we’ll see. I do not want to see more children left in cars nor anyone wearing flip flops in. I hope that someone will come in and be prepared and dressed as properly as they can be and without stretch pants!

I’m going to hope for the best because they really do have great people working there now and they deserve to have someone nice working with them.  They need someone that works hard but can still take a joke and tell a joke also. I can hope for that for them. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

A Little Hard Work

I find myself at work sometimes wondering how companies can feel good when they know that their company doesn’t pay a living wage? I’m blessed to have a job, it’s better than not having one but I still cannot pay my bills on time with what I make. I’ve told my manager that I’m looking for a part-time job to add but to be honest, if someone would offer me a job that pays a living wage, I would take full-time.

Honestly, I’ve had two interviews so far with a government agency. This one pays pretty good, not the most that I’ve made but it would pay my bills each month with extra left over. The hours would be unpredictable so that is a downside but providing a paid for home and having food on the table. Being able to buy school clothes without anyone else’s help. I just can’t stop going after that division, every posting that I see within a reasonable driving time.

One of the interviews was truly strange. It was a group interview, which was weird in itself. When I was asked to come into the room for the “interview”, the only thing he did was read over the questions on the application, that was it! It was so strange. The second interview that I went to at a different location was a bit more normal. When I was asked to step in for the interview, he was cordial and actually had a conversation with me, I was so thankful. He said he selected me but he had to take his selections to three other people and see who gets chosen from there.

My sister and her husband helped to purchase four pair of pants. School is just around the corner and I won’t know what will be needed for supplies until we go to orientation. Little by little I fall further and further behind in everything and just pray that I’ll be able to dig us out.

I just don’t understand how I can sit in these interviews and can tell the people that won’t stick around but the interviewers don’t seem to. Am I missing something?

At my current job, they all know that I’m applying other places and I think some are jealous or just plain crazy. I was talking to a girl about it when another girl came up and said that she worked for it and didn’t like it. I knew she did but she did a completely different job and left it because she thought it was too hard. She tried to put in negative things to my conversation and say things that weren’t true about the position that I’ve been applying for. I spoke up and told her that she was wrong, that it was not what I was being told and seeing. She seemed to get upset that I went against what she was saying. Then she said “that’s what others said in that position, I knew them so if you think that’s good then go ahead” then turned and walked off so no one could say anything to her. I truly think that she’s a bit jealous that she gave it up before giving it a chance, or is it just that she has the mindset that since she has a masters degree that it’s below her?

My co-workers masters degree is in literature, yet she said she doesn’t want to be a teacher and now she sits behind a desk doing customer service for less than minimum wage. I don’t get the logic, nowadays employers don’t care what the degree is in, only that you have one. They don’t seem to care if you’re applying for something that is nowhere near what you studied but seem to think just because you have that degree that you can do anything. They completely confuse education with intelligence all the time. She’s a nice girl but why would you not want to work and make enough to pay your bills? With a masters degree, you have to have school bills? I guess her parents could have very well paid for it, I’m not sure. It just drives me crazy that when you have that step up to use and you don’t use it. Why bitch about your situation when you’re not willing to take a chance and do some work at a job you studied for?

Maybe I’m not making any sense or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. I just want to get paid a decent wage for an honest days work. There’s no entitlement here nor any intention to sit on my butt and let someone else carry the load. I consider myself a hard worker. Is being a hard worker a thing of the past? I know with everyone being on the computer more it’s hard to think of doing labor but what the heck? How does anyone get anything done anymore, hire someone to do it? Who are they hiring?

It’s frustrating but I just hope that I’ll hear good news from one of the interviews. I just hope and put it out there.

Silent Universe

How can a large family have different roles and the younger siblings seem to have the most common sense responsibilities? One would think that the older children would be the ones to take on the roles of keeping the family together once the parents have passed on. It seems my family is just thrown all out of wack because the older siblings don’t seem to know that they need to step up.

At a young age, I knew that I was going to be the one to care for her when she was ill. This never bothered me because to me, this was a blessing in hindsight. The opportunity of getting to know her as my friend came with the responsibility of being there for her.  While my older siblings left the house, got married and had kids of their own, I was home with my mother trying to help the two of us survive.

Since my mother passed, the older siblings just seemed to keep on doing their own thing. We’ve recently moved this past six months and that has made it easier for me to see two of my sisters but only one comes over to us. The other sister, well, I just don’t understand what’s going on because I’ve asked her to come over and it just doesn’t happen. My older brother suffers from depression as I do but he doesn’t seem to have it under control. I’ve tried to reach out to him but he refuses to answer me back. He seems to have contact with my younger brother but that is it.

My older brother makes really good money, more than double what I used to make before. But with his depression, he misses a lot of work so it’s my understanding that he lost where he was staying. My older sisters know this and yet I’ve not seen nor heard one of them offer him to come into their home. I’ve tried to contact him to see if he truly has nowhere to stay but I don’t know where he is or what his situation is because he refuses to answer me.

I do still have to live every day and provide for my immediate family but I could at least offer him a roof to be under if he needed. He would have to go to work because I’m not truly making the bills as it is so with one more mouth to feed and electricity to pay for, that could truly break the bank. I just don’t know what to do.

It seems that the most trying times in my life have always been things that I’ve had to experience alone. The responsibilities of paperwork while my mother was in the hospital and the time of her passing. The lawyers afterwards and the fighting to save the house when the state wanted to take it. My surgery after loss of blood, having them ask if anyone was waiting for me truly hurt when I had to say no. No one was concerned enough to be there when I came out of surgery.

Trying to get through to my older brother is something that again I seem to be doing on my own. I don’t know the area well enough to drive around and find him so I’m not sure how this is going to turn out but we’re not getting any younger. It just boggles my mind though that my other older siblings don’t seem bothered or willing to stop their lives for just a moment to reach out to him.

I wish I knew someone that had gone through this and could give me some advice. I have no idea how to figure this out and could sure use someone to talk to.

Guess it’s just me and the silent universe again tonight.

Just Once…..

The heat this weekend is breathtaking. When the sun is shining and the heat literally can take your breath away, it’s time to hide inside. The house isn’t as cool as it could be but I’m thankful that it’s cooler than outside. Sometimes I feel like my life itself is too hot to breath. It’s not that the events are exciting but instead that there are so many struggles to get through that I just don’t have time to breath in between them.

I had such a bad day at work Friday, I felt like a huge idiot and it’s hard to keep going into somewhere just knowing that you’re going to feel stupid at some point during that day. With no official training, learning what they do is like pulling teeth and they put you in the position of feeling stupid before you learn something. Anyways, I had to walk out of the office in order to calm down. If I didn’t need a job so badly, I would have left completely.  After I semi-calmed down, I went back inside the building but thought I would try to calm down more after work. I told my son that we would splurge for a movie at the drive-in, yes, they have a drive-in up here!

I didn’t care for the first movie so I was waiting for the second one. Half-way through the first movie, the dash started blinking and flashing an error message. I got it to stop but we had to wait for the intermission for me to get it going again. Well, it wouldn’t start at all during intermission so we ended up getting a jump and heading home. My nerves were through the roof at this point because I had no idea if it would die on us while trying to get home. Living in the woods can be nice but not when you think you might get stuck with a child in the dark and no cell service.

That night, I robbed Peter to pay Paul and got a battery online that we just had to get there and they would install. I couldn’t sleep and my nerves were still going in the morning. Thank goodness that the car started in the morning. We went and got the new battery but it didn’t calm me down. That night I went into the bathroom to find a scorpion on the wall! My nerves have been up since then and it’s been a few days. With being the only paycheck coming in, I’m barely getting by and that’s with juggling from one week to the next and now with this amount taken out, I just don’t know what’s going to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad that I found a job but I just wish it paid enough to pay the bills. I’m looking for either a replacement job that pays more or a part-time job to go with this one. There’s just not enough hours in the day nor money in the bank so it’s like being pulled tight at both ends. You ever see people playing tug-o-war and there is a handkerchief in the middle of the rope being pulled from one side to the other during the game? I feel like that handkerchief, being pulled and pulled from both sides. I’m just afraid that I’m going to fall into the mud below at some point.

There just has to be a bottom to all of this? Do you know what I mean? When I see someone spiraling out of control (usually of their own decisions) I think to myself that once they hit bottom, they will be able to really turn themselves around.  Well, I feel like I’m going in the down direction so why wouldn’t I also have a bottom and be able to get my footing? Am I exempt from having the opportunity or what? Why was I picked to have to go through all of this? Just once having an uplifting opportunity come my way would be nice.

I am thankful for many things in my life and wouldn’t change how that has come about. But being able to pay the bills on time, being able to get a haircut or even buy a new bra! Yes, I know a little personal but so true. I’m going to have to figure out how to get school clothes for my granddaughter and I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

My mind is so mentally tired right now that I think it could take away from my ability to plan a solution. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone stepping in and helping. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone taking over and telling me that everything is going to be alright.  Just once I would accept the help…..just once.

Keep Looking and Pray

I’m truly worried, to the point that I cannot sleep at night. Next month I have enough to make the car payment but that is it. I have to pay the car because without a car, I cannot go to job interviews. I’m scared of what’s going to happen because I’ve never been this far into unemployment.

It’s not for a lack of trying because my full time job right now is looking for a job. I’ve had three interviews but so far nothing has come from them. I will be reaching out to one of them tomorrow as it’s been a week and they said to call them. But really, if you have to call them, are they really considering you?

A job is a job and I’ve put in for a lot of things so that I can get working. Companies have no personal contact with applicants anymore and have no idea who is on the other side. I received a decline email from Aldi! I put in for a cashier position so that I can work and they said no. No, I haven’t worked retail in some years but heavens sake, what does that mean when you can’t even get a cashier position to say yes? My son says that he thinks they assume I’ve over qualified and that’s why they rejected me. But in the same thoughts, other jobs that are in my field, want a degree. Companies want to pay someone $10 and hour but require them to have a degree, it makes no sense.

It makes me wonder if I would be having better luck had we not moved. Is this happening because we moved out into the “country”? No matter where I work, if it’s not a work from home then I’m going to be driving upwards of 30 miles one way to work. It’s completely fine with me but I wonder if that plays into their decision making also.

Insurance companies keep reaching out to me but I have never applied to them. They want you to get your license and then sell for them but I can’t afford that. I truly have no interest in insurance but I’ll do whatever job I’m offered, I just can’t afford to pay to get a job. What else do I need to do?

Applying for jobs today is completely different from when I entered the workforce. Everything is on the computer and about 95% of the time, employers do not respond to your application with a no if they decide not to hire you. So with this empty void of not knowing, you keep going with the blind search on the computer. Companies do not see you as a person anymore, not at first. It used to be that you could present yourself to the company when you went in to fill out the application. This gave you a chance to get a feel for the company while they were able to start their opinion about you, it was a personal experience. Getting a job has nothing to do with the person that you are now, it’s about the person you are on paper.

I’ve been trying to think of things that I can make in order to sell but I can’t think of anything that anyone would want to buy. My best asset is how I relate to people and help them know that they’re appreciated and valued. Customers feel like cattle in today’s world, tag ’em, milk ’em and move ’em. This could be why so many companies are going out of business. If a customer is going to be treated like a blank dollar sign in person then why not just purchase online? The brick and mortar company doesn’t invest in the customer in the sense they need to in order to keep the physical door open. It’s sad but it’s been heading that direction for a long time now and unfortunately I’m on the end of paying  a price for it.

What does the future hold for us? The house is paid for but without electricity out here, it’s really dark and the water doesn’t come out of the well. My brain goes to a worse case scenario with all of what could happen. I’m applying for everything, no matter what it is. I can always keep looking while I have something else but if a grocery store won’t hire me, what the heck?

I’m relying on my faith and if you’ve been reading my blog then you know even that has been tested a few times. I still believe in the power of prayer but I don’t know if that revolves around the power of the mind or not. It gives me a little comfort at least but I don’t know how I’ll have comfort next month when the money is truly gone. I have $423.17 in the bank and that is it. I’ve made it stretch for six months and I cannot stretch it any further. What am I going to do?

Keep looking and pray.

Frog Under the Vanity

We’re living in the woods as some of you already know. It was super cold last night so I got up and started warming up the house. I had the entire place to myself for about an hour when my son and granddaughter started to wake up. I put the bacon on and I think that was my mistake because who can sleep through the smell of bacon?

We spent time together talking and enjoying the bacon when my sister let us know that she was coming over for a walk. When she got here, we ventured out into the woods in order to get our steps in. She weighs less than I do and has had a few weeks start on me so she’s faster right now. I did it though and we almost went 2 miles. I know that is nothing to a lot of people or even to my younger self as I use to work out, lift and run and was in the best shape of my life. But I don’t feel my best right now so I know I can do more. She’s going to push me and I can appreciate it but it sure was like I was coughing up a lung today. With the fast pace she was keeping me at and still not being over the cold of the century that won’t leave my chest. But I did it, the entire walk with no stopping and we didn’t run into any wild animals. There was one animal but it was farther down the dirt road but it looked like a huge cat. I kept telling them that it was too big to be a cat at that distance but they didn’t want to talk about it and kept going. So who knows if it really was a cat or something else. If it was something else, then I guess it’s not something that I needed to be close to.

I was proud to actually get it done but I know I have to keep it up because I have to answer to her. She’s my older sister and we’re the closest in the family, just because I think we’re most like each other. She and her husband have been such an amazing help to us and I’m very grateful.

We sat and talked for a while before she left and that was nice. But when she left, my son and I started to tackle the master bathroom and all of it’s horrible glory. There was still a puddle of water under the vanity (that I didn’t know was there). We got it cleaned out of the remaining bottles and water while my son removed a real live frog that he found in it also. We’ve had the door shut so I guess it’s just been living in the puddle of water. I tackled the shower stall, there are no words to describe how much dirt and mold were in there. I took the cleaner and put it all over it to let it soak a bit and then went in with the scrubber. It’s much better now but I can see where I missed and it’s definitely going to take a second cleaning if not a third also. But now the house smells like Bengay  but that’s the cleaner and it works like nothing ever before, we’ve used it on everything in the house and not just the toilets (because we replaced those). We discovered Lysol 10x Toilet Bowl Cleaner by accident but it’s been a lifesaver in our home. But it does smell like Bengay so we ended up opening all the windows to air it out. I have before pictures of the shower but I want to at least get another scrubbing before maybe putting pictures if anyone is interested?

Now we’re relaxing after all of this, just waiting for the chili to finish that I put in the crock pot earlier, this is always good on a cold night. Oh my goodness, I just realized that I’m typing about normal stuff. I know that no ones shower is like what I just faced but it’s still “cleaning a bathroom”. How long has it been since I’ve actually written about normal things, how weird to realize that.

Today was a good day and I’ll take it for what it was. I hope to have more of them where I feel good about it. Do you think that the universe is listening to me? I hope so.

Never to Love

I’ve had something cross my mind a lot lately and I’m not sure why it’s popping up now. Maybe it’s living closer to my sister and that’s because I can see the wonderful relationship that she has with her husband. I’m not jealous by any means and am truly happy for her, maybe the word is envious?

My life has always been doing what I have to do in order to survive. My siblings have all been able to go about leaving and growing their lives with relationships and children. I stayed and took care of my mother and then again my nephew when my mother passed. Now I am taking care of him and his daughter and in no way would ever change having them with me.

Sometimes I just miss the feeling of a companion that I can confide in and feel like a partner with. It’s not that I’ve never felt it, just that it’s been a very long time. To be honest, my reference to the feeling is something that I’m not sure if it was what it should have felt like. You see, he was leading a double life and I didn’t know for part of it and for the other part I thought I loved him and tried to work through it until it died out finally. So for me to say that I was in love with him, how could that be when I don’t know who he truly was. With that being said, were my feelings the way a normal relationship should feel or what is different since he was lying to me the entire time?

It’s weird, there are a lot of memories but one that always stands out is of my sister seeing us together. She was picking me up for some reason and we were in an apartment on the 2nd floor. This was a friends apartment but I don’t remember why we were there. I can see my self coming down the stairs in an amazing dress that just seems to flow across the steps. Then my memory stops but I can hear my sisters voice telling my mother that we really looked like we were in love. My mother didn’t like him and I’m pretty sure that she got a read on him the first time she met him. With the history that she had with my father, I think it’s just something that you instinctively know.

This was some time ago and I did date other guys after that, I’m thinking three or four. However, when my mother became too ill to work, I stayed with her more and only had one male friend that I would sometimes be able to see. We worked together previously and that was how we met. But when mom went into the hospital, he dropped off and found someone to occupy his time. I’m okay with him not following through because with him doing that, I had the chance to see what he was not made of. This was when my mother passed and it’s just been even more diligent survival since then.

This leads me to now. I don’t see real love ever happening to me at this point or in the future. I’m older now and truly do not feel that I’ve accomplished anything so what would I have to offer to anyone? I’ve gained weight and am not as youthful as I used to be. There isn’t much to put towards a nice wardrobe so it’s daily clothing, which is older, for me. I can’t remember the last time I sprang for a hair cut so I keep it in a ponytail or bun. Makeup left my routine when I started having panic attacks, there was no way to keep it fresh after crying.

I miss being held and that feeling of being safe but at this point in life, I think it’s just going to be a dream or wish you might say. But I am happy for anyone that has found it and kept it for a long time. It shows me that it’s not a dying thing although I will not be blessed with it.

Thanks for letting me gab a bit, it’s been on my mind and hopefully by letting it out, it will go away. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.

 

Warm Shower Cold Outside

I’m in the new place working and I so much want to look back on what was happening this time last year. The changes, I know, have been amazing and I am so ever thankful for them. We have had a few very cold nights lately and it’s night and day from the old house.

This time last year, I’m thinking that we were checking the plastic on the windows and the back door to make sure that we kept as much cold out as we could. It was also this time of year that showers were so hard to take. The room would be so cold and the thought of stepping into that water just makes me shiver right now even. I would put a floor heater in the room so that my granddaughter could take a shower but that took forever to heat up enough as the room itself stayed cold (we actually blocked it off too).

So when I can now put my granddaughter in a bath (not just a shower) and feel comfortable knowing that all I would need to do is dry her hair after wards, it just means more than the world to me. It still feels a little chilly here but I actually am able to run around the house in shorts instead of three layers of clothes. It’s weird to open the front door and feel such a difference to the outside weather compared to inside. I’m so thankful.

We’ve put in a lot of work so far, replacing the floor and facilities in one of the bathrooms. Washing the walls (yes the walls) and painting them along with cabinets in the kitchen. We’re clearing out the back yard as it’s overgrown a lot but we’re making progress. My granddaughter can actually go outside with her dad and help him and I don’t worry about either one of them being the victim of a drive by. We actually have no neighbors here. I think our closest neighbor might be a quarter mile away but I haven’t truly measured. We see an occasional four wheeler when school is out and if a car goes by it’s something we stare at. I might see one airplane a week going over if I’m lucky whereas we lived close to the airport at the old house and there were dozens each day.

I do miss all of my different birds but some are starting to come around here, mainly finch, chickadee and titmice. There is a grey bird with a black head but it doesn’t eat from the feeders, oh and a male and female cardinal too. I’m hoping as we get the land cleared that more and more will show up as I really enjoy watching them.

Did I mention that I can have family over? I’ve actually asked my sister and her family to come over Sunday for a game night, how wild is that? I’ve never been able to do that before. We’re going to order pizza (have to drive 10 miles to pick it up) and sit around and talk, I can’t wait!

If there’s a down side to living out in the country, it’s balanced by the good. The nearest Walmart is 27 miles away so when we go to town, we’re learning not to forget anything. But then I don’t have the opportunity to spend on a whim either unless it’s at Family Dollar as they’re the closest at 10 miles.

So today, it’s raining and I mean buckets of rain but I’m okay with it. It’s actually relaxing to hear the rain hit the roof. Yes we have to get a new roof and have to wait for them to come but they put a cover on the weak spots and will be back in February as I’m on the schedule for then. With the house, my son had a leak over his room and it used to break my heart each time I saw it grow bigger and bigger. I remember just praying everyday for a solution and then this came along. It’s been a rough road to get here but we’re making it work.

The house we moved into was actually in the shape of what you might call a hoarder house. We literally came in with shovels to clean up the floor. We got that removed, disinfected and have I learned a lot more about that! Then started with the rehab of what it needed. I still have the bathroom in my room shut off as I think I’m running out of money to do that right now, the roof has to come first. There are a few electrical outlets that do not work but I’ve replaced outlets before and I’m hoping that is all that’s needed but not sure.

No matter what, we’re warm and have food on the table so I am feeling blessed. I think this will be a different Christmas but different in a good way.

How Long Will It Take?

It’s weird to think that this time next month I’ll be sitting in a completely different place. I know it’s going to take some time but I hope that it brings us peace. I would say happiness but I think with peace will come happiness because we’ve been happy but missing peace where we are right now.

We went up again yesterday to help with getting the inside ready and I’m afraid it was a lot more than I thought it was going to be so it really takes a lot of work. Next Sunday we’re going to tackle the kitchen and the master bedroom so I think we’ll end up being there longer than we’ve been staying before. The week after that, I want to do flea bombs because there are dogs in there right now and they have fleas. One of my cats is allergic to fleas and she loses her fur if she gets even one.

I don’t know how many trash bags we threw out and we ripped up carpet in there also so it’s literally starting from scratch. I’m hoping we can get it clean enough to move into in time. I say hope just because there is so much to do.

When we do the kitchen next week, he said he’s going to throw most of it out so I’m looking forward to that. I’ve tried to be very careful not to hurt his feelings when going through things because I know he’s been through so much already and I don’t want to add to that. Besides, I’m really enjoying spending the time with him and on the rest times that we take, we get some conversation in there too and it’s like getting to know him all over again.

Did I tell you that he’s my older brother? He’s been suffering with depression as a few of us in the family have been but then he was thrown a cheating wife and divorce in there too so it just seemed to close in around him and I completely understand. I do wish that my sister that seemed to be close with him, had let me know just how bad it was getting and I would have been up there sooner. I had tried to find him after a big storm we had but there were trees down and I didn’t know if I was going the right way or not so I never made it to his house back then or else I would have known.

I think this change is going to be nice for him, it will take some adjusting but once he gets back out “in the sun” as I call it, I think he will feel better. At least now we’ll live closer and can see each other better than we can being so far apart. I hope this brings the family closer together.

So, I think the kitchen has a lot of stuff that are from the marriage so that is why he will be throwing most of it out, besides he’s downsizing to an apartment for now so he can’t take it all with him. What I don’t understand is how many cupboards they have, there are tons of them! Some are in places that I don’t know why they are there, they just don’t make sense, at least to me. I think they end up closing off space and it makes the house seem dark. I’m not used to having many cupboards as we only use our top ones right now and that’s not for much. There truly are a lot of them so I can see myself taking some out and leaving them out.

First things first, get it cleaned and bombed so that we can move in and then the “fixing” it up and come while we’re in there. This is how we’re able to get in there, because in the condition it’s been in, it wouldn’t sell for what we are giving him and this will pay off his mortgage so he will be debt free after it, except for his car. So this will take a lot of burden off of him and that helps with the depression also.

My brother-in-law knows how to do a lot of this work so he will show my son how to do it and that is how we will get it fixed up. We will do the work, although I’m thinking of renting one of those dump things so that we can just put all the bags and things in it and have it hauled away, I’ll have to look into how much it costs because they’re telling me that the dump might not take it all and I would have to go to the landfill anyway which would cost me. We’re going to burn wood items so that won’t have to go but I like to recycle and I’d like to make sure it’s taken care of the right way. They don’t have garbage service there so you have to either burn or take your trash to the dump, then if you have more than what the dump will take, you have to take it to the landfill which will be about 40 miles away and you have to pay by the pound for what you leave.

It’s crazy all of the changes, mail will be in a cluster box that I haven’t seen yet so it’s somewhere out there. No newspaper delivery so I don’t know what I’m going to do to get my coupons. They do have a landline phone system, which surprised me but the water runs on a well so if the power goes out then there is no water. The road itself looks like a path that someone just kept running over in the woods so it’s something else to get used to. The nearest grocery store is a little tiny thing and I know it would be expensive because of it being the only one. But if you drive another 30 minutes or more, you would reach a Walmart (I haven’t been in or ordered from them since last November so they’re out), or Target. I see saving money that way because I wouldn’t be able to make quick trips to the store anymore. But we’d really have to make sure that we had everything when we do go shopping or it would have to wait.

They say that UPS and FedEx actually will deliver out there but I have no idea how they get their trucks out there but I’m glad that they do. Maybe that gives me a little sense of still being connected because I surely can’t say that I’m not nervous because I am.

I just opened the windows to my room, the sun is out enough that anyone outside will not see me working on a computer so I opened the windows and curtains. Am I going to miss looking out and seeing a paved road and a house across the street? What if my view is that of more birds, would that make up for it?

My sister would be able to show up anytime she likes and I know I would end up giving her a key which is so weird to think of happening. That part I like, it will also help the kids keep up with picking up their stuff because I can always tell them that she might show up. Funny I know, but it’s so true, I hope they keep picked up because they don’t know when she would show up.

Just looking forward to the first day of actual peace and rest out there, I wonder how long it will take?

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

The days seem to move a little faster now and I worry about all the things that I’m going to forget. There’s so much to do here and also where we are moving to. It’s not a move in ready kind of place and it does need a lot of work, it’s the only way we could get out of this place without any outside help. I did lower my pride and ask for help but I guess no one thinks I am worthy of their help. It’s okay, it has turned me a bit cold to when others ask for help, I tend to compare them to my situation now and it never used to be that way.

I have to work harder to be able to drive two hours at least once a week (one way) to go up there and clean and get it at least where we can move in. There are so many things to do here and I’m throwing away a lot of things that I never thought I would just because I can’t take it with me and well, I guess we just accumulate when we live somewhere for so long. So now, when I see someone asking for money, I tend to think to myself first that if they just worked a little harder, would they be able to get through. I’m not talking about a big change, but just to get through because I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing in order to get to the next step. I’m working so hard just to make it through to the next step and when I asked for help (monetarily) no one helped or even offered. So to look at someone now, it’s changed me and I don’t know if I like that part or not.

My sister has always helped with moral support and doing things when they can but I wouldn’t ever take money from her with all that she’s been having to go through lately herself. We’ve become so much closer these past few years and I’m very blessed for this, I don’t know what I would do without her.

I haven’t heard back from the people buying the house yet, I signed the papers and they are supposed to schedule a contractor to come out and then we close on the 1st. I guess I should reach out and make sure it’s all okay. I would hate to get to the moving date and they back out or something. I guess I have just been thinking of all the things that could go wrong and I don’t like doing that, I just want to think good thoughts.

With the help of my sister, we’ve already moved my old truck up to her house, see how she helps me. This way I don’t have to worry about getting something to tow it with. I have to keep my car empty because I have to create a calm environment to transport my “grandma kitties”. I think I worry about them the most, they are 12 year old sisters and it’s a long ride for them so I really don’t want to stress them out. Besides medication, if you have any suggestions, I would love to know?

If I get everything ready for a Sunday move then I know my brother would drive the moving truck for me but if it’s during the week then he’ll have to work so I have to think how to do these things because I have no one else besides myself that can drive a truck. I can only take off that Sunday through Wednesday to get moved and then have to be up and ready for work on Thursday. So it’s a lot in my head and I just wish there were someone here that could help me with getting this done. My son is here but he’s never had a big move before and …well, it’s just different when you have someone that’s older than you that is making the plans. I think you feel safer when you’re not the oldest one, like when you still have a parent to bounce ideas off of, it’s completely different. Besides my sister, I have no one to bounce these off of with me.

I just pray that everything comes together in the end and we get the new (new to us) place ready to move in and cleaned up. Then we get everything here set and move in one easy step (yeah right, LOL). Wishes, hopes and dreams.