No Sleep, No Money

It’s chilly out tonight and I am sleepy but my mind just doesn’t want to stop. My granddaughter has a cold again and I can hear her from down the hallway. Poor thing, we all just seem to be keeping this thing going but one person to another and I thought we were in the clear. Looks like the cold is going to make it’s rounds again through the house.

Last night was our coldest night so far and I stayed awake to keep an eye on the heaters. Since this is our first winter here and we were not used to being able to run heaters for long periods of time at the old house, it’s scary. We made it through the night while I fell asleep on the floor for about three hours before going to bed. Tonight I find myself listening to the heaters again, it’ll take time I guess.

The cold seems to bring another thing we never expected and that is animals trying to keep warm but doing so underneath the house. My son could hear movement under the floor and was scared of it. So we made the trek to Lowe’s with the thought that it’s possibly an Opossum since it’s what we’ve seen on the cameras. But none of the repellents specifically mention an Opossum. I don’t want to kill it, just get it to move on and not stay. It had to have been here since the previous owner, the grass was so tall that it came up to the windows of the house so any animal would have had a great hiding spot. If they didn’t bring other bugs and diseases and didn’t try to damage the house, I wouldn’t mind but Opossums can be pretty mean and it needs to go elsewhere for our safety. I hope the stuff that we bought works.

We’ve been clearing out more and more by the shed, believe it or not the previous owner had a chicken coup attached to the back of the shed! But to make matters worse, I think they used the woods in that area as their own personal junk yard. We’ve pulled out luggage, pots and pans, a george foreman grill, juicer and popcorn popper and that’s not everything. I don’t know how much chicken fencing we pulled out and something that they call hog fence was there also. It’s never ending with each new spot we start to clear. It just seems like if something broke, they threw it outside and bought a new one while never taking anything to the real dump. My mind is completely blown at this concept of bringing garbage in but not taking the real garbage to the dump. We’ve made a lot of trips to the dump and the man that works there now knows us by name and is helping a lot.

We found a walk behind mower in the brush, it looks new but wouldn’t start up. Today, my son took it apart and cleaned it out. The engine would start to sputter and then drop off. I taught him about the choke and helped him for a bit, we were able to get it to run, not great but run. It stopped running the minute he tried to push it which meant I had to let go of the chose. So tomorrow we’re going to get some carb cleaner and I will show him how to do that. It’s been a long time since I’ve messed with motors but we really cannot afford a new mower and that grass is just going to keep growing. I’ve had to work on a lot of my own cars when I was younger so getting a mower going has the same basics. Fingers crossed that it will work tomorrow and we can use it to mow what we’ve already cleared with the bigger cutter and blade weed cutter.

Is it okay to just wish for something to go right? I put on a good face for everyone but I’m truly worried. There haven’t been any hits on my applications yet and unemployment has only sent one payment since I filed in mid December. I think it might have something to do with the Government shutdown but I’m not sure. Tonight, I just closed out my 401k, there wasn’t a lot in there as I couldn’t afford it but at least there’s some and will help keep us afloat with some groceries but not long.

This cold weather is going to make the electricity bill go up so we might need to go back to electric blankets for a bit, I think they pull less power than a heater does but I’m not sure exactly. I have some points on a coupon app that I use and will turn it into gift cards to buy more groceries if needed and I’m sure they will but it takes a bit longer to process it. I don’t know what else to do, I’ll take any suggestions.

I don’t know how I did it the last time I lost a job back in 2009 when the market dropped out. I looked and found that I actually got more money from unemployment back then but then I did make more money at that job than I did at my recent one. At least it would be something rather than nothing but even so, they’re not sending the payments so it’s still like getting nothing. Hopefully they send back payments because I’ve kept a spreadsheet of all the applications that I’ve done and if they’ve reached out or not. The only one to reach out was just telling me that the position was already filled. It’s not like where I used to live at least that I’m thinking. Back there, I could readily get coupons to shop with and make my money stretch while here, I have to drive 10 miles just to get to the nearest place to buy a paper. No way to coupon where it would make a difference. But also when it comes to jobs, the travel is at the least 30 miles and more one way to anywhere when I apply. It’s not like the jobs are close by like before and the options are less and less. All I can do is apply and pray I guess.

It’s getting late and I’m actually yawning, that’s a good sign. With this I’ll hope that you’re sleeping soundly and that when you read this, you are rested well and having a great day! I wish that for myself so I wish it for you also.

So Tense

We’re getting down to less than a week before moving. We’ve actually had a local junk man taking some of our things that we can’t and really shouldn’t take with us, so you can imagine the house is getting to be pretty empty.

My emotions are all over the place, even more than before but it’s weird the way that it happens. I can be okay one minute while packing us things of sentiment but just last night, we moved the laundry soap closer to the door to take on our next trip and I just started to cry. Laundry soap, go figure?

Last night I sent an email to the people buying our current house because I hadn’t gotten any word from the attorney that they use. This morning I get an email from the attorney and they were marking the closing date for another week away! Lord please have mercy on my emotions today. I have everything set for closing on the 1st as I was told it would be by the company buying it. I have no refrigerator in the house right now because it’s too old to take with us and the junk man had help that day to get it out. I have the Uhaul reserved and electric and phone scheduled to be connected at the new place. My sister is set to come down and be with me while we move here and to drive my car back up while I drive the Uhaul. I don’t have anyone else to drive the truck so it’s me. Yes, I have a younger brother but he wanted a favor in order to drive it and I said never mind. To me family does things for other family members because they want to, not because they want something. This is why me and my one sister have become so close these past few years, because we’re there for each other no matter if the other has something or not. Although we do “play argue” over who pays for food when we’re out.

I’m waiting to hear back from the attorney, because right after that email I responded that the date was set for the 1st. Then I texted the girl from the buying company, she texted back that I was right and then she sent an email to everyone stating so and that the attorney would be in touch about a time or for me to reach out to her. So I did just that, call (left a voicemail), text and email. No word so far, maybe because she was busted for not doing her job?

The tension that I feel is just so tight sometimes, like now and I just don’t know how to get rid of it. Is it like this for everyone with every single move? Does it actually happen without all of this or is it all the same?

So, this time next week we should be all through this and I’ll be then trying to figure out how to buy and use a bush hog. The grass behind the new house is as tall as the windows and we won’t be able to do anything back there until it’s cut down. Did I tell you that we’ve already been going up once a week and cleaning it out? Well, we have been so as of right now there are a lot of trash bags and furniture waiting on us in the front yard to get taken to the trash (they don’t have garbage men there that come to your house). So we look a mess right now but I’m hoping it’s going to come together. We have one more day to clean and we’ve been concentrating on the inside so that it’s clean enough for us to be in there. We’ve ripped out flooring and carpet and cleaned things that I’m not sure what they were. This last trip will be to treat and paint the floors so that we can move in and then install flooring one room at a time. It’s a lot to undertake and it’s going to take a while but my granddaughter can go to a physical school and can also get to know her cousins on a daily basis. It’s all going to be worth it in the end but so hard right now. I need a huge tub to soak in but I can’t do that right now either…..lol I’m so tire.

How Do People Do It?

I feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth lately. Crawling back into my cave and pulling the covers over my head, welcoming the darkness and the mindless sleep. I don’t know what has brought this on for sure but I know it’s been a bit rough lately.

Being able to move seems like it’s getting to be farther away than I had thought. Every time I think I have it right, there is something else that comes up and the dream is taken away from me again. No one helped at all with the gofundme account and I don’t understand what I did wrong. I would never lie and make an account to say that someone is dying, yes we are in a very dangerous area but I would never say anything that wasn’t true. I guess people just think that we’re boring and not enough to help, but I’ve gotten that for years, just from the government when I’ve asked for help after storms or asked if they had any programs that could help to fix up the house. They’ve always told me no, no matter what the situation has been. I’ve had to patch things or learn how to repair things on my own. We’ve gone without things that we really shouldn’t have had to but have had no other choice.

I’m tired, I’m tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. When do I see the payoff for my hard work? Years and I can probably say decades at this point, I’ve been working hard and taking care of people but nothing good has ever come my way in the sense of making it just a bit easier for a little bit. I would still be okay with working hard if I could get us moved to somewhere safer. If my family is safe, it’s all worth it.

May I just feel like I’m being kicked while I’m already down. Learning how to get out of this feeling is not something that I’ve mastered yet. How do people do it?

That Kind of Feeling

I’m feeling a little sad today and I don’t know why just yet. I don’t think I woke up feeling like this, it just seemed to take over. It could be that I have to work today and I would much rather be in bed under the covers. Or maybe it could be that I would much better like to be having my coffee while watching the birds out on the feeders.

It’s almost a feeling of being defeated but I try not to let that enter my world anymore. Hard as it is, I still can try to stay positive about things that are going on. Could it be part of depression seeping back in? This not knowing sometimes makes it worse because I am a curious person and have times that I won’t let something go until I figure it out. This curiosity gets me into further trouble sometimes especially when I’m feeling like this and want to know why.

My dream last night was about school I believe, so that wouldn’t really make me feel sad because I didn’t have a great school experience and it wouldn’t make me miss it at all.

Maybe it’s just from being tired of the struggle each day. I’ve been racking my mind trying to think of anything that I can sell that would be worth anything. I need to make up the money that I need to move. It just seems like we’re so close and yet it’s still so very much out of reach. I don’t have things of value, never have. Be it because of financial reasons or just the way I as raised, the simple things make me happy. Seeing my family happy and safe with food in the refrigerator, that makes me happy.

I work to provide for my family and I’ve never asked for handouts or charity until I put up my gofundme page, but that hasn’t gotten any real activity either so it just shows me that I am not worthy enough to receive help when I ask. So I shouldn’t ask for help anymore and that’s what that has taught me. Maybe that’s what is making me feel sad this morning? I’m always there to help my family when they need me. I don’t have any in real life friends anymore. I have friends on Facebook that I used to know in real life a long time ago. But when my mother passed and I started raising my nephew as my son, everyone in real life seemed to fade into their own life.

So my family will ask for help and as long as it’s something that I can do then I do it. I’ve moved one sister about three times, taken my other nephew into my own home I don’t know how many times. Used my income tax money to get clothing for my nieces children. I give what I can and do what I can when they need me. They were there for me when I asked for help painting the house. I did provide the paint, tools and food but they showed up and that’s what mattered. That was almost two years ago now and I miss having the family almost all together like that.

There are so many things going on in my head this morning that I’m truly not sure which one is making me feel sad. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it? I’ll keep watching the birds outside my window while working and see if it gets any better. It’s overcast outside, maybe if the sun comes up I’ll feel better. Let’s wait and see.

Not Giving Up

We had a nice time visiting with my brother on Sunday. It’s amazing the difference that a few weeks can make. He was talking like he normally would and was even walking around without anyone chasing him to make sure he didn’t fall over. Seems that he might be having anxiety over driving though.

Where they live and I long to live, they don’t have “garbage service” that comes to your house and picks up your garbage at the curbside. They have to drive and take their garbage to a facility a few miles away. He seems to be able to do that but when my sister had a doctors appointment for herself, he thought he could drive and so he tried. He ended up having to pull over when more than a few cars were on the road. He thinks he’s ready to go back to work but if he can’t drive then I don’t know.

I remember that feeling of being scared to drive but mine was after a car accident where I was hit by a drunk driver. I remember my older brother sitting on my sisters front steps and telling me that if I didn’t get back behind the wheel then I never would. So I forced myself and I did a bit of “white knuckle” driving for a while but I got over it. I still have nervous feelings in high volume traffic but not like that used to be. Everyday I pray that he gets back to where he needs to be, yet he still has one more surgery to go.

My sister is asking me more and more when will we be able to move up there. Not just because of all of this lately but because she knows that the kids need to be together also in order to support one another. My son and granddaughter don’t stand a chance where we are and if something were to happen to me, I just don’t know what they would do.

I’m honestly about $5000 away from making a difference in whether we can move or not. I’ve still been keeping in touch with lenders and this is what he’s telling me lately. We’re so close that I’ve put up a Gofundme account. I appreciate that someone has donated $5 because every little bit adds up. I don’t know if it will make a difference but this time I’ve put a picture on there of my son and granddaughter, maybe if someone sees who it’s really affecting, it might help.

Sometimes I feel very helpless while other times I feel like I can do anything. It’s weird sort of off an on but I’ll take it as long as I get that feeling of being able to do it, once in a while instead of never.  I’m looking for a second job to add to what we need to move but finding another work from home that I can do with noise in the background is near impossible. I won’t give up though.

If you wouldn’t mind sharing it or even if you have $5 to add to it, that would so great and if you’ve been reading my blog for a little while then you know just how much this means to me and my family. I truly thank you for forwarding or helping out.

 

Help to Move

If even $5 that will make a big difference.

$5.00

https://www.gofundme.com/to-provide-a-safer-home&rcid=r01-153018438269-d48a406aaa53439c&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

A Little Bit of Peace

The window is covered in dew this morning, it horribly humid outside. Still I can’t bring myself not to open the window and see the birds. The junior cardinals have been flying around the feeders like it’s a midnight rave for teenagers. Their colors are spotted and some have more red than others. The wren family is still here and comes around to feed every day, along with the blue jays, titmice and chic-a-dees. We have a new baby woodpecker that’s been coming around also. It’s not the same as the first one because this one doesn’t have any color coming in like the other one did.

Watching the birds seems to be the only bit of carefree that I feel lately. It’s hard to remember what it felt like with not having something to worry about and even if it’s for a split second in time while watching the birds, I’ll take it.

Moving from here seems to be getting farther and farther away as unexpected bills come up and take away from what I was saving. I just feel like I can’t get ahead no matter how hard I try. I know it sounds childish, but it’s just not fair. I have fought for so long and taken on burdens that were not mine alone to bare. I’m tired of nothing working in our favor.

How is it that someone that has a truly sturdy, well made house with no one else to take care of and not living paycheck to paycheck, gets help. Here I am with my house falling apart, living paycheck to paycheck and have people that depend on me for survival and I can’t get any form of help. It just doesn’t make sense to me. How is it that someone can come here to this country and get free handouts but yet I live here and am trying but yet I don’t get anything for free. Granted, I don’t expect not to have to work for something, it’s just the point of it.

Have I ever asked for help, yes. Have I ever gotten that help, no. Not even from FEMA after two hurricanes. The last FEMA agent, I asked them to come out and look at the damage to my roof. He never took one picture of my roof but instead came in the house and took a picture of my kitchen. What does my kitchen have to do with my roof? He said it would take a few days to get an answer and so he left. Not 20 minutes went by and I had a reject letter from him. He just wanted an excuse to leave so he could send that to me without having to tell me to my face that he had no plans of helping us with the storm damage.

I don’t take that as asking for something free though, I pay taxes and have for a very long time. I had a lot of storm damage and it was supposed to be there to help, but I guess only for a select few.

A while ago I did swallow my pride and put up a gofundme with an actual picture of my house. That was so hard for me to do as I never have anyone over because of the state that it’s in. It’s clean, don’t get me wrong, it’s just falling apart. But the gofundme, it broke my heart. Not one person took an interest in it. Does this mean that by public view, I am not worthy of helping? I feel hated when I think of this and it’s hard to let it go.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next in order to try and make things better. I’m not a roofer and I can’t afford one so it’s only a matter of time before it caves in. We’ve patched about all we can patch and another storm season is upon us. I’m scared of it and what it brings. This mugginess this morning almost seems like a precursor as it strangles the fresh air from my throat. Is this what is coming, I pray not.

I Want to Give Up

Sometimes, in my thoughts, I feel like giving up on the entire home search. It’s taking so much out of me and making me feel like a complete failure. Is it the same for everyone who tries to buy a different house and keep their family safe? I’m embarrassed a bit but I’ll do whatever it takes for my family. I put myself out on display with a gofundme page but not one single person has even looked at it. How pitiful am I that I don’t even get a look over there? I might just take it down in case someone comments on the fact that it’s untouched by anyone looking.

I don’t have anything to sell except for the house but there are people out there with more money than what I have (of course). These people don’t seem to have to go through what I do and can just purchase a home outright. I’ve been a hard worker all my life and never gotten a break so to say like other people have. Is it because they were born into a family where they were given that open door to a high paying company or just plain born into money. Neither of these situations fit my life, I come from a mom that worked hard her entire life also. A widow at the age of 32 while having seven young children to raise. I watched her learn to drive, write checks and go back to school and work. Hard work is in my blood and what I know. But I’m learning right now that hard work doesn’t always win.

We are at a count of three houses that we’ve signed papers and tried for now. This last one didn’t get away from someone else getting the bid, however. I have a great realtor, don’t misunderstand me as I do not think all realtors are how I feel one is that we’ve come across. When we first started looking, I sent in a request on a website and a realtor emailed me. This realtor was the owner of the company and he took us to see three locations. The minute he stepped out of his truck to meet myself and my sister, we knew he was judging us. He seemed to drop all caring about what he was doing, showing houses. When we asked questions, he would say he didn’t know and would have to get back with us, meaning me. He even took us to a house that the owner didn’t know we were coming! They were very gracious about it but heavens sake, she was making dinner! Then he showed us to another home that was empty and although it wasn’t perfect, it seemed nice. I had questions again that he couldn’t answer. At the end of walking through our third house he finally asked about how I was buying a house (wouldn’t you think he would have asked that first?). I told him and he said that the empty one wouldn’t go through traditional financing but couldn’t or wouldn’t tell us why.

Well, we dropped him like a hot biscuit and didn’t call him back. I got a call from one of his minions a few weeks later saying that they’d keep an eye out for anything new on the market and give us a call. You guessed it, no call from anyone and I’ve been finding them on my own. When I found one that I really wanted to see the inside of, I contacted a different realty company and we found the realtor that I have now. He’s not a 3-piece suit kind of person and I’m thankful for that. He talks about his kids and he asks about mine. He’s gotten to know me and what I would like. That’s what a realtor should do and not judge someone just by what you think they can and cannot afford.

The empty house that wouldn’t take conventional financing came to the attention of my realtor. He asked about it and walked through it with me. I told him what happened with the other realtor as the house was still listed with that company. He said he was dealing with a different person and not the owner (still the same company). The realtor was telling him that they could do owner financing if we wanted the house. I talked it over with my sister as owner financing had never crossed my mind. Since we’re trying to get up there before next school year, I decided to go ahead and do it. So off I went with the paperwork again. Got everything in order and submitted. The next day my realtor comes back and says that the other realtor said the owner wouldn’t do owner financing? Uhm, the realtor from that company is the one that suggested it?

It got me quite angry that they misrepresented the owner that way. I told my realtor not to worry about it but I no longer want this place to be in the running and would prefer never to do any business with that company because this seems shady to me. They’re hiding something. If it were just the one owner that did what he did then I might say it’s a fluke. But when his employees do things like this? This is either rampid through the company or it still is and the owner doesn’t care because they’re part of it. I’m not going to touch anything from them because I can’t trust them. This is a huge purchase for me and the last time in my life that I will move, it has to be right.

I truly feel like my realtor gets the idea of why I’m moving and what I’m looking for. It’s just also feeling like the odds are stacked against me. I’m either not quick enough or I’m not rich enough. I just feel like giving up sometimes but I know I can’t and that stinks. Why can’t someone take care of me for a little bit? I’m tired.

It’s Not Fair

Have you ever bought a new house? Or just new to you? If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I haven’t but I’m trying to. I just want to know why is it so stressful and difficult.

Why are we made to feel less of ourselves when going through to process of finding a home and then qualifying for it? With all the questions that are asked, I feel like they do more than the secret service does. Now I know that’s not true but it just feels like it at times. Who knew that buying a house meant that you had to open up every aspect of your life for someone else’s criticism?

After giving away all of my life secrets (okay, not all), then I’m told that the house is no longer available or that the owner took someone else’s offer. So it starts almost all over again. Having to find another place and hopefully feel the same if not better about the previous one. If I don’t get the one and then end up with another, does that mean I’m settling? I don’t want to settle, I want to be happy and safe, while close to family.

With yesterday being Easter, myself and my family living with me, took the drive to spend the day with my sister. We drove by the street that one of the “potentials” sits on. But I think this one is out of my reach. It’s more expensive, not by much but I think it puts it a little bit out of my grasp. I did make a gofundme page but there has been zero activity on it. I don’t want to put my families picture on it because, well, it’s been so embarrassing as it is with what we’ve been through.

I go back to describing it as a rollercoaster of emotions that just never stops. I am hopeful at times while I hit a horrible low at other times. This cannot be good for my health and I need to figure it out one way or another. Today, hopefully, I will hear back from a lender and see if my hard work has paid off any and if they can help. The last one said we needed more money down but I don’t have it. I’m just trying to save my family and not have my granddaughter grow up where she has to be afraid. Why do people trying to do good things seem to have the hardest time? It just doesn’t feel fair sometimes that I work so hard and yet people in “power” still say I’m not good enough. It’s just not fair.

New Offer

I’m a bit numb this morning, a little sore throat also. When someone says that they feel like they’re on an emotional rollercoaster, do we actually connect with what they’re saying? This week I can honestly say that I do connect with that term. My emotions have run the entire list this week going from excited and nervous to downright sad and crying.

Last night as I was starting to finally calm down a little, I received a text from the realtor. He wants to see if the seller will take an offer for the owner to finance. I’ve never done that nor thought of it so it’s a bit daunting. But if this is what I have to do in order to save my granddaughter and give her a better chance at life, then I’m all for it. It’s a lot more money out of pocket to start with so I might have to sell my truck, not sure yet. That will leave us with no vehicle for her father to drive when he works there but we will have to face that when it happens.

He said he would send me papers to sign today that he will then present to the sellers’ realtor. I don’t know if they would even consider this because I’m going to have to google exactly what it means. But I’m back to being nervous and my stomach is horrible this morning. I am so jumpy it’s unbelievable!

How can we let things just take over our emotions like this? It’s not like me to do this but possibly because it means so much to me. This is not just a move for the sake of a move but a move for the sake of safety. I’m so tired of being a prisoner in our home. There are so many good memories and the new bad memories are starting to fill space in my thoughts. I don’t want bad memories to go with me but I will always remember where I came from.

Funny how I used to be so afraid of just the moving process itself, the letting go of the house because it’s where I was raised. Now, I’m simply afraid of staying and the violence that’s around us. What a change I’ve made but now that I’m ready, I’m being told no.

There’s no true direction at this point and I feel a bit lost. I’m not sure what the next step is if they don’t want this new offer.

All Over Again

I finally filled out the papers for a mortgage, never did I imagine that it was that much information needed. My nerves are a bit higher than I thought they would be and it’s just because of all the hard work I’ve had to do these last few months and then a hiccup in the road yesterday.

When I reached out to the mortgage company that I had been working with, I felt a bit unimportant. I sent the information on the new place and on any changes that took place since before, she didn’t answer me. I sent another email asking if she received it but again no answer. So I called her, the first time I called it was voicemail so I left a detailed message with my phone number, but no return call. Then two hours later, I called her and she answered but said she needed to call me back in 15 minutes. I said okay and ended the call.

During all of this, my realtor was texting me to find out where we were in the process. How could I tell him that she’s not helping me? Finally he sent me a name of someone he works with and asked if I wanted to try him because he knew that I would get an answer. I didn’t answer him right away but that was what prompted me to call my first option back. After an hour and a half of waiting for her to call me back, I let my realtor know that I would reach out to his guy. He promptly started a three way text and I had a new application in my email last night.

This morning I get an email from the woman I was talking to first, she said she was sorry for not calling me back and that someone came in without an appointment. She wanted to chat. As I was working, I emailed her back and told her that I cannot talk personal business while working so I asked her to email me back with anything she needs. At this point, it’s been 6 1/2 hours and no email back from her. However, the new broker and I have had multiple emails back and forth and I submitted the application to him.

I’m disappointed in her work ethic. Maybe she just doesn’t take me seriously or just doesn’t care. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me feel that she doesn’t think I’m important enough to even just send a quick email. I gave her a bunch of chances and time yesterday but she just pushed me to the side, so I don’t feel bad about moving on to someone else.

There is no answer yet and I can see he’s being careful because if my initial numbers aren’t there for this property then he’s not going to pull my credit yet. I can respect that and I truly appreciate it. I’m just super nervous about the whole thing, it’s a huge step. Yes, I own a home but I didn’t go through the normal purchase path in order to get it so I’ve never been through this before. This is the time when I miss someone being here for me, when I just need that little bit of support and encouragement.

Doing this all on my own when others depend on me, I’m terrified. But how can I move forward if I let fear take over? I can’t, fear cannot be the reason we stay here. I might have to work more if they say no and I understand that also but it wouldn’t be from fear and that I could accept.

We have to get out of here though if I’m going to keep my family safe. I’m just scared.