Silent Universe

How can a large family have different roles and the younger siblings seem to have the most common sense responsibilities? One would think that the older children would be the ones to take on the roles of keeping the family together once the parents have passed on. It seems my family is just thrown all out of wack because the older siblings don’t seem to know that they need to step up.

At a young age, I knew that I was going to be the one to care for her when she was ill. This never bothered me because to me, this was a blessing in hindsight. The opportunity of getting to know her as my friend came with the responsibility of being there for her.  While my older siblings left the house, got married and had kids of their own, I was home with my mother trying to help the two of us survive.

Since my mother passed, the older siblings just seemed to keep on doing their own thing. We’ve recently moved this past six months and that has made it easier for me to see two of my sisters but only one comes over to us. The other sister, well, I just don’t understand what’s going on because I’ve asked her to come over and it just doesn’t happen. My older brother suffers from depression as I do but he doesn’t seem to have it under control. I’ve tried to reach out to him but he refuses to answer me back. He seems to have contact with my younger brother but that is it.

My older brother makes really good money, more than double what I used to make before. But with his depression, he misses a lot of work so it’s my understanding that he lost where he was staying. My older sisters know this and yet I’ve not seen nor heard one of them offer him to come into their home. I’ve tried to contact him to see if he truly has nowhere to stay but I don’t know where he is or what his situation is because he refuses to answer me.

I do still have to live every day and provide for my immediate family but I could at least offer him a roof to be under if he needed. He would have to go to work because I’m not truly making the bills as it is so with one more mouth to feed and electricity to pay for, that could truly break the bank. I just don’t know what to do.

It seems that the most trying times in my life have always been things that I’ve had to experience alone. The responsibilities of paperwork while my mother was in the hospital and the time of her passing. The lawyers afterwards and the fighting to save the house when the state wanted to take it. My surgery after loss of blood, having them ask if anyone was waiting for me truly hurt when I had to say no. No one was concerned enough to be there when I came out of surgery.

Trying to get through to my older brother is something that again I seem to be doing on my own. I don’t know the area well enough to drive around and find him so I’m not sure how this is going to turn out but we’re not getting any younger. It just boggles my mind though that my other older siblings don’t seem bothered or willing to stop their lives for just a moment to reach out to him.

I wish I knew someone that had gone through this and could give me some advice. I have no idea how to figure this out and could sure use someone to talk to.

Guess it’s just me and the silent universe again tonight.

Keep Looking and Pray

I’m truly worried, to the point that I cannot sleep at night. Next month I have enough to make the car payment but that is it. I have to pay the car because without a car, I cannot go to job interviews. I’m scared of what’s going to happen because I’ve never been this far into unemployment.

It’s not for a lack of trying because my full time job right now is looking for a job. I’ve had three interviews but so far nothing has come from them. I will be reaching out to one of them tomorrow as it’s been a week and they said to call them. But really, if you have to call them, are they really considering you?

A job is a job and I’ve put in for a lot of things so that I can get working. Companies have no personal contact with applicants anymore and have no idea who is on the other side. I received a decline email from Aldi! I put in for a cashier position so that I can work and they said no. No, I haven’t worked retail in some years but heavens sake, what does that mean when you can’t even get a cashier position to say yes? My son says that he thinks they assume I’ve over qualified and that’s why they rejected me. But in the same thoughts, other jobs that are in my field, want a degree. Companies want to pay someone $10 and hour but require them to have a degree, it makes no sense.

It makes me wonder if I would be having better luck had we not moved. Is this happening because we moved out into the “country”? No matter where I work, if it’s not a work from home then I’m going to be driving upwards of 30 miles one way to work. It’s completely fine with me but I wonder if that plays into their decision making also.

Insurance companies keep reaching out to me but I have never applied to them. They want you to get your license and then sell for them but I can’t afford that. I truly have no interest in insurance but I’ll do whatever job I’m offered, I just can’t afford to pay to get a job. What else do I need to do?

Applying for jobs today is completely different from when I entered the workforce. Everything is on the computer and about 95% of the time, employers do not respond to your application with a no if they decide not to hire you. So with this empty void of not knowing, you keep going with the blind search on the computer. Companies do not see you as a person anymore, not at first. It used to be that you could present yourself to the company when you went in to fill out the application. This gave you a chance to get a feel for the company while they were able to start their opinion about you, it was a personal experience. Getting a job has nothing to do with the person that you are now, it’s about the person you are on paper.

I’ve been trying to think of things that I can make in order to sell but I can’t think of anything that anyone would want to buy. My best asset is how I relate to people and help them know that they’re appreciated and valued. Customers feel like cattle in today’s world, tag ’em, milk ’em and move ’em. This could be why so many companies are going out of business. If a customer is going to be treated like a blank dollar sign in person then why not just purchase online? The brick and mortar company doesn’t invest in the customer in the sense they need to in order to keep the physical door open. It’s sad but it’s been heading that direction for a long time now and unfortunately I’m on the end of paying  a price for it.

What does the future hold for us? The house is paid for but without electricity out here, it’s really dark and the water doesn’t come out of the well. My brain goes to a worse case scenario with all of what could happen. I’m applying for everything, no matter what it is. I can always keep looking while I have something else but if a grocery store won’t hire me, what the heck?

I’m relying on my faith and if you’ve been reading my blog then you know even that has been tested a few times. I still believe in the power of prayer but I don’t know if that revolves around the power of the mind or not. It gives me a little comfort at least but I don’t know how I’ll have comfort next month when the money is truly gone. I have $423.17 in the bank and that is it. I’ve made it stretch for six months and I cannot stretch it any further. What am I going to do?

Keep looking and pray.

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

The days seem to move a little faster now and I worry about all the things that I’m going to forget. There’s so much to do here and also where we are moving to. It’s not a move in ready kind of place and it does need a lot of work, it’s the only way we could get out of this place without any outside help. I did lower my pride and ask for help but I guess no one thinks I am worthy of their help. It’s okay, it has turned me a bit cold to when others ask for help, I tend to compare them to my situation now and it never used to be that way.

I have to work harder to be able to drive two hours at least once a week (one way) to go up there and clean and get it at least where we can move in. There are so many things to do here and I’m throwing away a lot of things that I never thought I would just because I can’t take it with me and well, I guess we just accumulate when we live somewhere for so long. So now, when I see someone asking for money, I tend to think to myself first that if they just worked a little harder, would they be able to get through. I’m not talking about a big change, but just to get through because I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing in order to get to the next step. I’m working so hard just to make it through to the next step and when I asked for help (monetarily) no one helped or even offered. So to look at someone now, it’s changed me and I don’t know if I like that part or not.

My sister has always helped with moral support and doing things when they can but I wouldn’t ever take money from her with all that she’s been having to go through lately herself. We’ve become so much closer these past few years and I’m very blessed for this, I don’t know what I would do without her.

I haven’t heard back from the people buying the house yet, I signed the papers and they are supposed to schedule a contractor to come out and then we close on the 1st. I guess I should reach out and make sure it’s all okay. I would hate to get to the moving date and they back out or something. I guess I have just been thinking of all the things that could go wrong and I don’t like doing that, I just want to think good thoughts.

With the help of my sister, we’ve already moved my old truck up to her house, see how she helps me. This way I don’t have to worry about getting something to tow it with. I have to keep my car empty because I have to create a calm environment to transport my “grandma kitties”. I think I worry about them the most, they are 12 year old sisters and it’s a long ride for them so I really don’t want to stress them out. Besides medication, if you have any suggestions, I would love to know?

If I get everything ready for a Sunday move then I know my brother would drive the moving truck for me but if it’s during the week then he’ll have to work so I have to think how to do these things because I have no one else besides myself that can drive a truck. I can only take off that Sunday through Wednesday to get moved and then have to be up and ready for work on Thursday. So it’s a lot in my head and I just wish there were someone here that could help me with getting this done. My son is here but he’s never had a big move before and …well, it’s just different when you have someone that’s older than you that is making the plans. I think you feel safer when you’re not the oldest one, like when you still have a parent to bounce ideas off of, it’s completely different. Besides my sister, I have no one to bounce these off of with me.

I just pray that everything comes together in the end and we get the new (new to us) place ready to move in and cleaned up. Then we get everything here set and move in one easy step (yeah right, LOL). Wishes, hopes and dreams.

Paperwork Has Been Sent

The living room is quiet tonight as I’m the only one awake right now. Today I sent over the paperwork that agrees to sell the house, it’s not closing but it’s the next best thing so far. I don’t know how I feel, maybe numb.

I’ve let the family know that the house is sold and I’m not sure that they truly thought I was truly going to do it. I asked if anyone would like to see the house before we move out and so far, only one sister has said yes.  I know that they might not have the same feelings for it that I do since they moved out a long time ago, but I just don’t understand how they couldn’t remember the memories.

We’ve set the moving time as October 1 – 5th so we have a month to get everything worked out and packed. We don’t have much so there’s not much to pack and as far as the appliances, well, they’re really not good enough to take with us. We have a freezer chest that we’ll take but I can’t think of anything else. Everything else is in boxes, we truly don’t have much.

The quantity of what we have is our family and the memories we share together. We’re clearing part of the land where we’re moving to and there’s going to be a “burn pile” for what we’re taking down. We were talking about taking hot dogs to make the most of it and there we are making more memories.

I’m still sad and nervous but I know it will be the best move for my granddaughter, she will thrive in a different place. Why can’t it just be easier to do, it’s taken so long and hurt so much along the way. So many times I thought we were getting close to this and now it really looks like it’s happening, I mean how can we back up from selling the house?

Tomorrow I will probably get an email response from sending in the paperwork and I don’t think I’m scared about getting it. Am I starting to be okay with it? Is this what it feels like? Am I turning my back on what this house means to me by feeling this way?  I think that is what I worry about, I wish I would have a dream or something and have the chance to ask my mother how she would feel about this.

I guess it’s still a one day at a time thing for now but still make sure to be packed. I am nervous about the move but so far that’s it right now….that could change tomorrow.

Swamp Grass and Sucker Frogs

We’re actually down to the point of signing paperwork for selling our house. Once I send in the paperwork tomorrow, there’s no turning back. I’m scared out of my mind that it’s actually happening but I know it’s the right thing to do.

Yesterday we took the long drive to go out to the new house, the yard is in need of some TLC and so we decided to try and get as much as we could done.  We had a lawnmower, two weed eaters (one with a metal blade), a chainsaw and rakes. We used all but the chainsaw and were only able to get most of the front yard done. I don’t think I’ve ever seen grass so tall and strong before, we googled it and I think it’s called swamp grass.

I was surprised we didn’t see any snakes all day long but there were some wasps, spiders and yuck…frogs.  I’m told that these frogs are all over the place there and they make me shiver! They have little suction cups on their feet and can jump and stick to everything…ooh, I get creeped out just typing that.

We found an old little manmade pond, super tiny with a little plastic liner that someone had placed there. Well, we cleared the grass and there are actually gold fish in it and thriving! I wasn’t wanting it at first because my first thought with standing water is mosquitos but I would think the fish would eat anything like that, right?

My birds are all filled around the feeders outside my window, I guess I will have to find new birds and they will have to find new feeders. It’ll take a while to get them set up again and I miss them already. We’re going to have access again to it next week so I’m going to go up and try to start cleaning the inside. I just can’t move in without cleaning, no way. So we’re at 5 weeks and counting, I have to get through this.

The house is in the middle of the woods, some say forest so I do have to buy a shotgun for a wayward animals that might endanger our family. It’s an entirely different way of living for me and I can’t say that I’m not nervous. But I am looking forward to being able to play outside in the yard with my granddaughter and her cousins. Having a garden and fruit trees. Being able to call my sister and ask her to have lunch and know that it’s only a 10 minute difference and not a two hour difference.

The price I’m paying feels very high with it being the selling of the family house that I grew up in but I know others that have done it and survived. I do think my current neighbors are upset with me as they haven’t spoken to me since I let them know that it was finally happening. I don’t think they actually believed it would happen. That makes me sad as they are beautiful people.

So as many sad feelings that I have, I hope to have just as many if not more happy ones in our future. Fingers crossed.

Circus?

The day after tomorrow, I will invite a stranger into my house. I can’t say a complete stranger as we’ve been corresponding by email for what we figure is eight months now. That’s been how long she’s wanted to buy my house. It’s been a long and nervous road for me as you might remember from previous posts, but we’ve come to the final stretch I think, or at least around the corner from it.

I think having the right smell when she walks in is important, so I bought a roast to put in the crock pot and will start it that morning. Is that crazy? But doesn’t the smell of a hearty meal cooking make you just think of home? I’m thinking that would help set the tone as a good one. Is this wrong?

Cleaning has been the agenda for the past few days, we keep pretty clean but you never realize how much you accumulate over the years. Then when you move things that you have, you realize just how long it’s been since you cleaned under or around it. We have thrown out so much stuff, I had no idea we had all of that. However the local junk man and a few others have been really happy as I’ve seen things just be taken out of the trash by people.

It’s going to be a tight timeline and I keep running it through my head just hoping that it’s all going to work out. I’m so nervous about it all that it’s making my physically ill. The other day, I had a panic attack unlike I’ve had in a long time. It then proceeded to start again the next morning and I had to take more medicine, I felt like a walking zombie with it and I didn’t like it at all. But I was able to get through work, zombie and all so that worked out for the best I guess.

Today is another long day of work but tomorrow being Tuesday, will be the day to focus on my room and put the finishing touches as best I can on the rest of the house. Of course we have to figure out how to show her my room when we plan on having my two diva cats in there while she’s here. Not even my sister gets to pet them because they are not too friendly with people they don’t know. With living so far away from family, my cats don’t know my family except for my son and granddaughter so they don’t pet them when they visit either.

I just hope that Wednesday isn’t a circus, I do hope she has a nice visit and I hope she’s as friendly in person as she seems in her emails and on the phone. But then again I hope she doesn’t stay too long either, I’m not sure how my nerves are going to hold up. I know I’m going to cry and I’ve already warned my sister, she’s going to come down and be with me for this.

Could I ask for a few friendly thoughts to help get through this week? You don’t have to post or comment, just in your thoughts would be nice and I’d really appreciate it.

Nervous

I don’t want to jinx us but I think it’s going to happen. I think we’re going to be able to move. Would I sound horrible if I said I was scared? We’ve been working on this for so long and now it’s at my fingertips and I’m freaking out!

This is actually a home that my older brother is living in right now. He is recently divorced and was given it in the settlement. It’s too much house for him and too far from work. When he was married, they moved there for the same reasons that I’m looking for, a place for children and a good school for them to go to, also being closer to family (down the road).

The house is a bit more “in the woods” than I would prefer but I know it’s growing up and there should be more houses out there in the coming years. But as of right now, you could truly stand buck naked in the front yard and not a soul would know (except for who’s with you).

It’s going to take a bit of work as he’s suffered from depression since the divorce and let things go that needed taking care of. My brother in law said it’s all simple stuff that he knows how to do and will show my son, so not to worry. He currently has three dogs, a German Sheppard and two Chihuahuas. However, he lets them outside and they have fleas. One of my cats is allergic to fleas and well, I just don’t want them anyway. So we have a lot of work to do before we can move in, that is after the finance part comes through.

We have to bug bomb first to get the fleas out and then clean as there is a bit of dog fir and I don’t want to freak out my older cats either, I’m worried about them taking the long trip as it is. We will have to get a dog because of being out in the woods, but we would start with a puppy so that it can grow up with my granddaughter and protect her. Also, even though my cats are divas, I’m hoping a puppy would be easier to integrate into the household.

The yard is hugely overgrown as it’s only been him and he said the lawnmower is broken. But my son loves to do yard work so to him, this would be like discovering Pandoras Box.  My brother said that he has a peach tree in the back yard so I’m hoping to add more fruit trees once we have it cleared. It’s unthinkable that we could have a yard that we can walk about in and have a cookout with people over. I’ve not been able to do that in years.

I don’t want to get my hopes up too early but if it goes through, it shouldn’t be two months before we can move. It’s going to be a lot of work but I know it will be worth it, even if just for my granddaughter.

What Do I Do?

Have you ever rented a house? I’ve rented an apartment but never an entire house. It’s going through my mind to do this while waiting to buy a house. We’re half-way through summer and I just don’t know if I can face another winter being so cold.

The air conditioner in my window has started to leak down the wall so I can’t use it any longer. I keep a floor fan up on a dresser at night and either sleep with just a sheet for a cover or no cover at all. I just wonder if we could do it, the cost of rent and utilities all together. I wouldn’t want to take away from anything that we would put towards a purchase.

There are a couple of rental houses that say “rent to own” but I have no idea how that works and it scares me because of the news. I’ve seen news stories where people are rented homes that the person doesn’t own. But then again, I know how to look up the owners name on a property so I should do my homework and it should be okay. Just the rent to own, I’m not sure how that works and need to find someone that can give me true information.

If we rented while waiting, we could get my granddaughter into a brick and mortar school in the area we’re looking and be closer to family. I’m scared of the whole process though and not sure what to do. Sometimes being an adult is not all it’s cut out to be, making these decisions on my own when they affect others is not fun at all.

I need a magic genie or a guru that knows all and can tell me what I need to do so that my family is headed in the right direction. If I make a mistake, they won’t give me back this house and give me a do-over.

Maybe I should just set up appointments to look at the houses and go from there first? Oh my goodness, it makes my stomach flutter just to be thinking about it. Do you have any advice that you’d like to give? Have you done this before? Just the thought of another cold winter is breaking my heart. My granddaughter should be able to play and grow like a normal child and not like a shut-in like we have to here. So many pros and cons, maybe I should write them down and physically look at them?

What do I do?

How Do People Do It?

I feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth lately. Crawling back into my cave and pulling the covers over my head, welcoming the darkness and the mindless sleep. I don’t know what has brought this on for sure but I know it’s been a bit rough lately.

Being able to move seems like it’s getting to be farther away than I had thought. Every time I think I have it right, there is something else that comes up and the dream is taken away from me again. No one helped at all with the gofundme account and I don’t understand what I did wrong. I would never lie and make an account to say that someone is dying, yes we are in a very dangerous area but I would never say anything that wasn’t true. I guess people just think that we’re boring and not enough to help, but I’ve gotten that for years, just from the government when I’ve asked for help after storms or asked if they had any programs that could help to fix up the house. They’ve always told me no, no matter what the situation has been. I’ve had to patch things or learn how to repair things on my own. We’ve gone without things that we really shouldn’t have had to but have had no other choice.

I’m tired, I’m tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. When do I see the payoff for my hard work? Years and I can probably say decades at this point, I’ve been working hard and taking care of people but nothing good has ever come my way in the sense of making it just a bit easier for a little bit. I would still be okay with working hard if I could get us moved to somewhere safer. If my family is safe, it’s all worth it.

May I just feel like I’m being kicked while I’m already down. Learning how to get out of this feeling is not something that I’ve mastered yet. How do people do it?

That Kind of Feeling

I’m feeling a little sad today and I don’t know why just yet. I don’t think I woke up feeling like this, it just seemed to take over. It could be that I have to work today and I would much rather be in bed under the covers. Or maybe it could be that I would much better like to be having my coffee while watching the birds out on the feeders.

It’s almost a feeling of being defeated but I try not to let that enter my world anymore. Hard as it is, I still can try to stay positive about things that are going on. Could it be part of depression seeping back in? This not knowing sometimes makes it worse because I am a curious person and have times that I won’t let something go until I figure it out. This curiosity gets me into further trouble sometimes especially when I’m feeling like this and want to know why.

My dream last night was about school I believe, so that wouldn’t really make me feel sad because I didn’t have a great school experience and it wouldn’t make me miss it at all.

Maybe it’s just from being tired of the struggle each day. I’ve been racking my mind trying to think of anything that I can sell that would be worth anything. I need to make up the money that I need to move. It just seems like we’re so close and yet it’s still so very much out of reach. I don’t have things of value, never have. Be it because of financial reasons or just the way I as raised, the simple things make me happy. Seeing my family happy and safe with food in the refrigerator, that makes me happy.

I work to provide for my family and I’ve never asked for handouts or charity until I put up my gofundme page, but that hasn’t gotten any real activity either so it just shows me that I am not worthy enough to receive help when I ask. So I shouldn’t ask for help anymore and that’s what that has taught me. Maybe that’s what is making me feel sad this morning? I’m always there to help my family when they need me. I don’t have any in real life friends anymore. I have friends on Facebook that I used to know in real life a long time ago. But when my mother passed and I started raising my nephew as my son, everyone in real life seemed to fade into their own life.

So my family will ask for help and as long as it’s something that I can do then I do it. I’ve moved one sister about three times, taken my other nephew into my own home I don’t know how many times. Used my income tax money to get clothing for my nieces children. I give what I can and do what I can when they need me. They were there for me when I asked for help painting the house. I did provide the paint, tools and food but they showed up and that’s what mattered. That was almost two years ago now and I miss having the family almost all together like that.

There are so many things going on in my head this morning that I’m truly not sure which one is making me feel sad. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it? I’ll keep watching the birds outside my window while working and see if it gets any better. It’s overcast outside, maybe if the sun comes up I’ll feel better. Let’s wait and see.