Blessed

I find myself with a little time at night that I can be here. Getting home after dinner time doesn’t leave much time for anything except to eat and then go to sleep. I do make sure to spend time with my grand baby but then she’s got to go to bed earlier than I do so it’s a little hard, I miss her.

Even though I miss out on family time, I am blessed that someone finally hired me. It’s not a lot of money but it’s way better than nothing. Right now I’m trying to balance the bills so that I can try and get caught up. The paycheck isn’t big enough to pay everything at once but I’m thinking that I can break it down into smaller payments during the month, if I can get caught up first. Has anyone else ever done that?

The people that I work with are very nice but I have to say, no one there has a clue how to train someone. I’ve been doing my best to find everything and anything that I can in order to learn. I’m still terrified that no matter how much I try, it’s not going to be good enough and I’m going to mess up. It doesn’t help that I’m the oldest one there, not that anyone makes it an issue, just how it feels.

I’m stretching every penny that I get, they gave us a ham for Easter and I’ve made sandwiches all week and ham and eggs for breakfast. I can’t wait to get caught up and know that the bills are paid. Does there ever come a time when you don’t worry? Maybe if it weren’t just me paying the bills. I don’t place any hard feelings on my son because he really can’t do anything until my grand goes to physical school next year. He’s her teacher right now and we had to do that before we moved because it wasn’t safe. Maybe it will be better when there are two paychecks coming in, just have to get there.

I was  hoping to be able to afford a movie this weekend, they actually have a drive in movie theater here. When I was little it was such a treat to get to go to the drive in, then they closed it down. I can’t wait to get to go with the kids. I want to give them memories like I have, mind you my memories are nothing to do with money but with family and experiences with family. That’s what I want them to have, good simple family memories.

With tonight being Friday, I do take peace in knowing that I can go to bed without setting the alarm but I’m also thankful that I have to do that on Sunday night. I am thankful, I am blessed and even though it’s hard, I know I am blessed.

Hectic Just Isn’t the Word

As I watch the screen for the outside cameras, my nerves are jumping tonight. It’s been a very emotional week so far and I’m exhausted to the point that I can’t settle down.

Monday started out normal or at least my most recent form of normalcy. That afternoon however my younger brother called while crying. His son was being transferred to a larger hospital to their pediatric ICU. No one knew anything yet, just where he was being taken. Since moving I am almost two hours away from them and his son is like my son, he and I are very close.

My nephew came to visit recently over the new year holiday and I had noticed that he had lost a lot of weight but he said it was because he wasn’t eating as much. There has been a lot of drama between my brother and his ex-wife since she has a new boyfriend and will leave my nephew home with her sister (not worth a dirty tissue if you ask me). My nephew was telling me that he cannot get food out of the refrigerator because he doesn’t know what is his and what is his aunts (her sister). I had already told my brother to get full custody of his son due to the food situation but I don’t know what happened with it.

My sister went with me to the hospital, because she wanted to and because it was a long drive and it would be a late drive home. We arrived and went into the room to see my nephew. He was extremely groggy but was making sounds. Only holding his eyes slightly open for just moments at a time, I could see that he knew I was there. I took his hand and he tried to talk but in order to hear him I had to put my ear to his face. There were many bags that I wasn’t sure what they were just yet. As we spent more time and the nurses kept coming in, I found out what happened.

My nephew was diagnosed with Diabetes and was brought in with a sugar level of 530. This number was stunning to me as I remember from helping my mother to manage her diabetes, this was a coma number. With my nephew being roughly 6′, he said he weighed only 148 at the time. They were giving him insulin, saline and some antibiotics as he also was found to have the flu at the same time.

As we visited, his sugar started to lower and that was evident with him being able to open his eyes for longer period of times. His speech was becoming a little bit clearer so I didn’t have to lean so close. I’m glad he knew I was there by then and that I’ll always be there for him. He was scared and he told me so many times that night.

The nurses allowed us to stay way past visitor hours so I was thankful for that but he needed rest. His sugar was down to 213 at this point and we decided to head out and let him rest. The next day I video chatted with him and although he still seemed tired, he had eaten and gotten the drink that he had been constantly asking for the night before. Two days later he was allowed to leave but had to go straight to a doctor that would help him with his new way of living. Tonight he said he is doing well so I will keep in touch with him and see how he’s adjusting.

During all of this I have had my new roof installed, a shed arrived, we cleared more land (and found more junk) and somehow fit grocery shopping in all of this. I am extremely tired but my mind just doesn’t want to stop from feeling nervous. It’s almost the feeling of waiting for the other foot to fall, a dread of some sort. This has to stop soon, I have a long day tomorrow and then Monday I have to find clothes for a skills test for a job, they make sure you know that it’s not an interview but instead a skills test. I still want to make a good impression because you never know who will be there and see you. With being older, I can’t let anything slip.

Telling myself to calm down only makes it worse so I have to stop doing that because tomorrow comes in a little while, maybe I can put on a movie that will make me sleepy. Wish me luck!

No Sleep, No Money

It’s chilly out tonight and I am sleepy but my mind just doesn’t want to stop. My granddaughter has a cold again and I can hear her from down the hallway. Poor thing, we all just seem to be keeping this thing going but one person to another and I thought we were in the clear. Looks like the cold is going to make it’s rounds again through the house.

Last night was our coldest night so far and I stayed awake to keep an eye on the heaters. Since this is our first winter here and we were not used to being able to run heaters for long periods of time at the old house, it’s scary. We made it through the night while I fell asleep on the floor for about three hours before going to bed. Tonight I find myself listening to the heaters again, it’ll take time I guess.

The cold seems to bring another thing we never expected and that is animals trying to keep warm but doing so underneath the house. My son could hear movement under the floor and was scared of it. So we made the trek to Lowe’s with the thought that it’s possibly an Opossum since it’s what we’ve seen on the cameras. But none of the repellents specifically mention an Opossum. I don’t want to kill it, just get it to move on and not stay. It had to have been here since the previous owner, the grass was so tall that it came up to the windows of the house so any animal would have had a great hiding spot. If they didn’t bring other bugs and diseases and didn’t try to damage the house, I wouldn’t mind but Opossums can be pretty mean and it needs to go elsewhere for our safety. I hope the stuff that we bought works.

We’ve been clearing out more and more by the shed, believe it or not the previous owner had a chicken coup attached to the back of the shed! But to make matters worse, I think they used the woods in that area as their own personal junk yard. We’ve pulled out luggage, pots and pans, a george foreman grill, juicer and popcorn popper and that’s not everything. I don’t know how much chicken fencing we pulled out and something that they call hog fence was there also. It’s never ending with each new spot we start to clear. It just seems like if something broke, they threw it outside and bought a new one while never taking anything to the real dump. My mind is completely blown at this concept of bringing garbage in but not taking the real garbage to the dump. We’ve made a lot of trips to the dump and the man that works there now knows us by name and is helping a lot.

We found a walk behind mower in the brush, it looks new but wouldn’t start up. Today, my son took it apart and cleaned it out. The engine would start to sputter and then drop off. I taught him about the choke and helped him for a bit, we were able to get it to run, not great but run. It stopped running the minute he tried to push it which meant I had to let go of the chose. So tomorrow we’re going to get some carb cleaner and I will show him how to do that. It’s been a long time since I’ve messed with motors but we really cannot afford a new mower and that grass is just going to keep growing. I’ve had to work on a lot of my own cars when I was younger so getting a mower going has the same basics. Fingers crossed that it will work tomorrow and we can use it to mow what we’ve already cleared with the bigger cutter and blade weed cutter.

Is it okay to just wish for something to go right? I put on a good face for everyone but I’m truly worried. There haven’t been any hits on my applications yet and unemployment has only sent one payment since I filed in mid December. I think it might have something to do with the Government shutdown but I’m not sure. Tonight, I just closed out my 401k, there wasn’t a lot in there as I couldn’t afford it but at least there’s some and will help keep us afloat with some groceries but not long.

This cold weather is going to make the electricity bill go up so we might need to go back to electric blankets for a bit, I think they pull less power than a heater does but I’m not sure exactly. I have some points on a coupon app that I use and will turn it into gift cards to buy more groceries if needed and I’m sure they will but it takes a bit longer to process it. I don’t know what else to do, I’ll take any suggestions.

I don’t know how I did it the last time I lost a job back in 2009 when the market dropped out. I looked and found that I actually got more money from unemployment back then but then I did make more money at that job than I did at my recent one. At least it would be something rather than nothing but even so, they’re not sending the payments so it’s still like getting nothing. Hopefully they send back payments because I’ve kept a spreadsheet of all the applications that I’ve done and if they’ve reached out or not. The only one to reach out was just telling me that the position was already filled. It’s not like where I used to live at least that I’m thinking. Back there, I could readily get coupons to shop with and make my money stretch while here, I have to drive 10 miles just to get to the nearest place to buy a paper. No way to coupon where it would make a difference. But also when it comes to jobs, the travel is at the least 30 miles and more one way to anywhere when I apply. It’s not like the jobs are close by like before and the options are less and less. All I can do is apply and pray I guess.

It’s getting late and I’m actually yawning, that’s a good sign. With this I’ll hope that you’re sleeping soundly and that when you read this, you are rested well and having a great day! I wish that for myself so I wish it for you also.

He’s My Brother

I’m back home after a few days of craziness, but when is my life not crazy? My brother-in-law had his surgery and it was scary. You try not to think the worst but of course they have to tell you the possibilities. I didn’t know that he would have two procedures and he did. Did you know that they can stop the blood flow to your brain? I didn’t think they were supposed to do that but they did. They did it the day before the surgery to remove the tumor. The tumor was in his neck and they had to remove it.

When they stopped the blood, he seemed to have a huge headache. The doctors said that the tumor was mad and had been feeding off of the blood. It’s just crazy to think that there is something living inside you that shouldn’t be there, it all sounds too science fiction to me. He seemed to stay in a sedated state throughout the rest of the day and up until his removal surgery the next day. He couldn’t open his eyes except for seconds at a time and then they would close again. He couldn’t speak completely but could make noises so you knew he was responding. Sometimes he would bring his legs up and stretch them so we knew his back was hurting by this time.

I know they tell you that the surgery will be find and that they have to tell you all of the things that can happen during it. I just don’t think they prepare you for how this person could react to the anesthesia. I’ve had anesthesia a few times in my life and I don’t remember being like he was. Again he didn’t open his eyes except for brief seconds. But his speech was just grunts at this point if he did grunt at all. He didn’t move his legs like before and had a more silent appearance about him, it was scary.

They kept saying that it would wear off and then he might be able to go home the next day. However, he stayed like that throughout the night! In my head I was terrified thinking that something had gone wrong and they didn’t know it. Instead of him going home the next day, he ended up staying another night as he still could not walk and was very very sleepy.

During the night, he seemed to start “waking up”, his speech improved and the next morning they were able to get him up and walking. It was a relief to see that he was starting to come out of it.

I had to leave as I had my own doctors and work that I had to get back to. So when I got the message that they were home, I couldn’t have been more happier. He still has the drain in but that is nothing compared to what we worried about. I think he’s learning that he’s not as strong as he thought he was so this might be a little blow to his ego, not that he had a big ego anyway. But I’m so happy that he’s doing better and I can’t wait to see them both. First I’ll let them rest and settle in at home before going to see them. I’m just truly happy that he came out of it. He’s family, he’s my brother.

Smells

I awoke last night at 1 am to a very strong smell of coffee. Thinking it was time to get up, I reached for my phone to turn off the alarm and that’s when I could see the real time. Thinking that the coffee pot was on the fritz due to a power outage last week, I pulled the covers back over me and tried to go back to sleep.

Every half hour or so, my eyes would open with a feeling again of the coffee needing my attention. No smell of smoke, no fear in my mind but just the strong smell in my room. I did set the coffee to start for the next morning as I normally do but this has never happened before. Was I being told that I just needed to get up, what was going on?

Whether it was just being very tired or laziness, I decided each time not to get out of bed and to try and push through in order to get some sleep. Finally, 5 am came around, I normally get up at 5:30 am so I gave in and got up. Keeping to my morning ritual, I walked out of the restroom again to smell the coffee. By this time I truly thought that the coffee pot would have hit it’s two-hour timer and turned itself off.

Turning the light on in the kitchen, I hear the familiar drip and hiss sound of the coffee pot, it was just starting to brew! There wasn’t yet the strong smell of coffee in the room as it was in my bedroom last night. This was beyond strange because I truly expected to see a full pot of cold coffee waiting for me to heat back up this morning.

Sometimes I can sit in my bedroom and smell smoke, like a cigarette. No one in my house smokes and a smoker hasn’t lived here since my father who passed in 1976. So it’s strange how smells can take over a moment and well, a night if I’m counting the hours of last night. But why coffee and why so strong that it wakes me up? Was I supposed to get up and just didn’t do it? I’m worried to find what I missed from not heeding its warning.

Nothing seems to be out of the ordinary and I actually fell asleep in the living room for 15 minutes after setting my fresh cup of coffee down. Thank goodness I didn’t sleep for longer or I would have been late for work. However, I do wish I had the day off, my desk sits beside my bed at the moment and the covers look so inviting. But the window is open and the sun is rising. Birds are chirping and happy that we filled the feeder. It’s so chipper outside I’m wondering when Mary Poppins is going to fly by! Seriously, it’s a beautiful morning and I’m having to watch it from my window, albeit better than not watching it so I am thankful. Thankful yet tired today, hopefully, that will pass just as the strong smell of coffee did and the day will continue to be beautiful.

Rainy Day

I woke up this morning to ring in the new year, I had to sleep last night since I work today. There were hopes of sunshine coming through my window as that always makes me feel better. However, when the darkness seemed to stay on my curtains well past the time that it should, I opened them to find rain. Not the relaxing rain that pats on the roof and cradles your senses into euphoria. This is the drizzling, dark and cold rain that brings nothing but the colder weather on it’s back.

Blah, the house is chilly and with the site of the drizzle, it only makes it feel colder. Birds and squirrels have taken refuge as the bird feeder sits alone. The rain is teasing me as it starts to pick up momentum and dare to relax me. But then again, it slows its pace and saddens me again.

I want to open the window but know that it’s even colder out there. Out there where the fresh air is held captive just as I am. My relationship with the fresh air is one I hold very dear, I visit it daily and allow it to visit me also inside my house. Being separated like this is not something I like or would normally allow. Like looking into a candy store window, it taunts me and tells me to open the window, but just as candy takes it’s toll so will the chill outside.

We’ve been fighting the cold and flu season for a couple of weeks now. From one to another the sneezing and coughing have made their way to everyone and then back to another again. My fear is that it will never go away at this point with the weather, but I still will hope and fight against it.

It’s getting colder as the day goes on and so we’ve closed the house even more in order to hold in the heat. My feet are cold even though it’s colder outside, they must know and are just trying to lure me into putting socks on. If my brain would signal so then I guess I would but my brain has an evil sense of humor sometimes when it comes to my body.

A blanket and a cat on my lap is what this weather calls for but I’m not too sure if that’s going to be happening anytime soon. Much to do when the cold weather comes around and I’m in charge of the chores. So hopefully it will not be too much longer and I can rest and warm up. In the meantime, I’ll listen to the howling of the wind as it fights to get inside and be thankful that there is a roof over my head and an old house that, while drafty, for the most part, warms us up from the outside cold. I will lay my head down tonight with that thought and feel blessed while I sleep.

What Do I Do?

Last year I took a job working from home for several reasons. The four years prior to that we had been living in a shell, protecting my granddaughter as we went through the courts for custody and then in fear of someone showing up on our door that didn’t need to be there. Being away from home was torture for me when I had to work. The thought of her going to school here just added another form of fear. Who is in the school that knows the mother and what would they be willing to do for her. We are well aware that with the school system, it is very easy to persuade a young child to leave and no one sees what happened.

Working from home, we’ve been able to homeschool her this year and she’s doing great. It’s been a growing time for all of us and sometimes we’re not as great as we should be while other times I think we knock it out of the park. She’s growing at lightning speed and the things she says can sometimes stop a conversation in its tracks. I am so proud and so nervous for her all at the same time.

We know we want to move from here and where we want to go but finding a place we can afford is hard to do with what we can afford. I’m selling the family home and already have the buyer for that, just nowhere for us to go right now. The holidays are a hard time to buy a home from what I’m being told. Also, the holidays don’t help with the credit score either. So we’ll have to give it a couple months I’m thinking for the credit score to look better than it does right now with the holiday spending.

I do think that I’m at the point where I would have no remorse about moving now. Although the thought of sleeping in a different place always makes me nervous. Being closer the family would be nice though. My younger brother never comes over anymore unless it’s to pick up his son when I’ve begged to have him stay the night. So I know I’m not wanted over there and that was at first my worry. He’s got his head twisted up with a gold digger and won’t listen to me so I can only worry about myself and my family with me. I think I’ve really come to terms with it and that’s why I feel the idea of moving is comfortable to me.

I wonder though if there still isn’t anywhere that I can afford right after the holidays, would I be better off renting until one comes up? I’ve rented an apartment before but it was just me that I was worried about. Before I took over raising my nephew I was able to live by myself, not too far because she still needed me but it was still somewhere I could close the doors and talk to myself. This time, I have two other people depending on me and I don’t want to mess it up.

The fear is subsiding now, but I don’t like my job….one thing if not the other, right? I’m being shown that there’s no potential for growth and I haven’t figured out if it’s because they pick who they know and like or if it’s because I’m older. I truly hate what I do in this job but it got me home and I could take care of my granddaughter. When I was hired, they said that the potential to grow and move around the company was great, but I’m not seeing it as great so far.

Do you think I should just stick it out until we get moved and then really start looking? My granddaughter would be able to attend school there so I could take something during the day or at least a different work from home during her school hours. Her dad would have more opportunity to work there also so that would add income to the household. It would be better for us there, I just don’t know what to do. Do we go ahead and move and just rent until we find something? I have to keep the job for the move, that’s a given, but do I let my immediate supervisor know that I’m not happy with how it’s going or do I just shut up? Will expressing my feelings only make it worst?

Oh why can’t I have a magic crystal ball to show me the future if I pick one way or the other. I wish someone could give me advice.

Winds of Change

This time I think we’re actually going to make the change and move. With all the violence lately coming as close as the other side of our fence in the backyard, we’re just not safe any longer.

It’s a change that I’ve been fighting for many years because this is my mothers’ house. I grew up here from the age of 3 and my younger siblings came home from the hospital to this house. So many memories, good and bad are held within these walls. My father died while we lived here and I watched my mother learn how to do things after that. Things that today’s woman would think nothing of but to her, it was an amazing thing to have to step forward and do as a woman back then.

I remember her studying for her GED, she left school to get married and raise a family, only to find herself widowed at the age of 32 with seven children.  In the front yard, we all sat watching as she learned how to drive, we thought it was funny but didn’t realize the stress she was under.

Seeing her learn how to write checks and get financial aid that she needed with seven kids. Then getting a job, it wasn’t her first job but that had been a few decades past. She chose a path of even more children, daycare. Back then it wasn’t a word of taboo like it is today. Most people that worked there truly cared for the children and they seemed to become her second family. She was happy for them when they did good and learned something and cried when they moved away. She was built on love and faith and anyone who was graced with her presence quickly understood that.

What everyone experienced on the outside of our house, we were given every day as children. Sure, we all experienced the stress of it all but that was growth. I know that I am the woman I am today because of her. Not to say I had my fair share of learning for myself but I think that was her plan all along.

But now that she’s been gone for a long time, I’ve been holding on to this house like she is still here. Remembering how we used to talk about getting the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition to come out and actually going so far as filling out the application before she went into the hospital. I have to realize that she too was ready for a move way back then.

Last week there was a shooting, we’re actually used to hearing rounds of gunfire even though we shouldn’t be. But this one was different, it was on the other side of my fence in the backyard. We don’t use the yard like we used to, no more playing outside or laying in the grass in the day or at night just watching the clouds and stars. Feeling so carefree at the time like we could concur the world with just our thoughts. Now we only go outside to go straight to our car and back. It’s a hostage life we live and we shouldn’t have to.

These past few days, I’ve set aside my fears and taken the first steps to find another place to call home. Even typing that sounds weird like calling another place home is like calling someone else your mother.  We’re going this week to look at places with a realtor and I’ve never done that before. Here I am a grown woman, scared to death of making the change that is so very needed. Is this what my mother felt? Did she feel like cowering in the house with its comforts and then just force herself to do what she needed to do? I feel like this is what I’m doing. I want to stay under the covers of my bed where it feels warm and safe but I know that at any minute a bullet truly can come through the wall. So how safe and warm is my bed now?

I’m hoping that when people say you take the memories with you, that I too can do the same. Good or bad, I don’t want to lose them.

Safer Here or There?

Am I allowed to sick when I’m supposed to be making all the decisions? Should I make big decisions when I have the worry of being ill in the back of my mind the entire time? I have two lives depending on me and I don’t know which direction to go.

I want to move my family because of how unsafe it’s truly become in our neighborhood. We’re literally hostage when we’re here and can’t go out in our yard for fear of a flying bullet. I’m scared to live here and at the same time, I’m afraid to move. If I were younger I might have the feeling of being able to do it safely but maybe with getting older and losing my support system, my mother. I felt like I could do almost anything when she was here and now everything I think of, I second guess myself.

The move would be closer to family and I know my own family would grow and become more independent. We haven’t been able to do much since the baby came along and it’s really stopped our growth. It’s not because she is here, it’s just the timing I guess or maybe I see things differently now.

I look outside my back door and see the exact same yard that I used to play in while growing up. We used to play until way after the sun went down and then we only stopped to watch the stars and catch lightning bugs. The other night, there was a shooting on the other side of the fence of my back yard. Sadly, someone lost their life and I fear everyday that it might be one of us.  We hear of other shootings on the news how the bullet passes through the house to reach an innocent person. So even if we’re not in our yard, I still feel like we’re a sitting target.

Funny, I think I might have just answered my question here, did you see it? I’m afraid of moving because of the unknown. Will my health withstand to support the family? Will I lose the new place if I can’t work? Yet, if we stay here and I am taken from this world due to violence or still my health, is the situation different or better? I think it would be harder for my family to keep going here without me but maybe thrive when other family members live closer.

Writing here, I do wish sometimes there was feedback or opinions but this time I think I just had my own little therapy session.

Here’s hoping I can follow through.

Changes

Last night seemed like it would never end, sleep would never start and yet here I find myself sitting in the dark with just the light of the computer starting my workday before the sun has even thought about rising.

Our evening started as normal, I had finished work for the day and dinner was already waiting. We enjoyed our meal and then my granddaughter and son sat down to play a game while I watched one of my addictive reality shows. They finished and she got up in my lap to settle for the evening and talk to me about her dolls and their big adventures that day.

A little before 7:30 pm, we heard at first the sound of possible fireworks but then another round came and it was more sporadic than the first so we knew it was gunfire. It was close enough to be outside the window. My son called the police but they said they already had multiple calls so we just hunkered down and waited. Suddenly police lights and a helicopter sound seemed to be all over the place. Of course, we never go outside when anything like this is happening and lately it seems to be happening more and more.

We waited and watched as cars were turned away from going to the end of our street and a few “crazy” people actually walked down there but again seemed to be turned away. I then got a phone call from my neighbor who didn’t seem to know much more than I did except she took refuge in her bathroom. We talked a little while watching the lights for any serious movement but nothing.

I finally decided it was safe enough to go outside and look when I saw the news truck pull up in front of our house and take their camera with them. Needless to say, they weren’t at their truck by the time I made it outside and I wasn’t brave enough to go one house over to the lights, so I stayed back and watched. Police tape up was up around the stop sign and down the road while more police cars seemed to be closing off the far side of the road also. But still, no one really knew what had happened.

We decided to wait until the news aired in order to find out and sad as it is, someone lost their life. It was a shootout in the backyard of the house that connects with my backyard. I remember being a kid and playing with the girl that lived there back then, but I don’t know who lives there now. Every now and then we would hear music or people talking loudly but I never thought they sounded like people who got involved in that. Yes, the neighborhood I grew up in is not what it used to be. Yes, we are desperately wanting to move but money is the main factor in our way. We could sell our house and yet it still wouldn’t be enough money to move.

My sisters are worried for us and with good reason as I worry for us also. I’m just making the bills so there is no real extra to add. I’ve looked for things to sell but I’ve never been a materialistic person in that way so the things that I do have only seem to have sentimental value. One of my sisters thought I should start a Go Fundme account but I don’t know if that’s something I should do or not. To publicly air my dirty laundry where everyone knows who I am? Writing it here, no one knows me enough to call me or say “why didn’t you say something”. Is this just my pride getting in the way of asking for help and do I even know how to ask for help?

No, it’s not safe here, not even as I sit here is it safe. I have a granddaughter to think about and I don’t know what to do really. I wish my Mom were here so I could ask her.