Hectic Just Isn’t the Word

As I watch the screen for the outside cameras, my nerves are jumping tonight. It’s been a very emotional week so far and I’m exhausted to the point that I can’t settle down.

Monday started out normal or at least my most recent form of normalcy. That afternoon however my younger brother called while crying. His son was being transferred to a larger hospital to their pediatric ICU. No one knew anything yet, just where he was being taken. Since moving I am almost two hours away from them and his son is like my son, he and I are very close.

My nephew came to visit recently over the new year holiday and I had noticed that he had lost a lot of weight but he said it was because he wasn’t eating as much. There has been a lot of drama between my brother and his ex-wife since she has a new boyfriend and will leave my nephew home with her sister (not worth a dirty tissue if you ask me). My nephew was telling me that he cannot get food out of the refrigerator because he doesn’t know what is his and what is his aunts (her sister). I had already told my brother to get full custody of his son due to the food situation but I don’t know what happened with it.

My sister went with me to the hospital, because she wanted to and because it was a long drive and it would be a late drive home. We arrived and went into the room to see my nephew. He was extremely groggy but was making sounds. Only holding his eyes slightly open for just moments at a time, I could see that he knew I was there. I took his hand and he tried to talk but in order to hear him I had to put my ear to his face. There were many bags that I wasn’t sure what they were just yet. As we spent more time and the nurses kept coming in, I found out what happened.

My nephew was diagnosed with Diabetes and was brought in with a sugar level of 530. This number was stunning to me as I remember from helping my mother to manage her diabetes, this was a coma number. With my nephew being roughly 6′, he said he weighed only 148 at the time. They were giving him insulin, saline and some antibiotics as he also was found to have the flu at the same time.

As we visited, his sugar started to lower and that was evident with him being able to open his eyes for longer period of times. His speech was becoming a little bit clearer so I didn’t have to lean so close. I’m glad he knew I was there by then and that I’ll always be there for him. He was scared and he told me so many times that night.

The nurses allowed us to stay way past visitor hours so I was thankful for that but he needed rest. His sugar was down to 213 at this point and we decided to head out and let him rest. The next day I video chatted with him and although he still seemed tired, he had eaten and gotten the drink that he had been constantly asking for the night before. Two days later he was allowed to leave but had to go straight to a doctor that would help him with his new way of living. Tonight he said he is doing well so I will keep in touch with him and see how he’s adjusting.

During all of this I have had my new roof installed, a shed arrived, we cleared more land (and found more junk) and somehow fit grocery shopping in all of this. I am extremely tired but my mind just doesn’t want to stop from feeling nervous. It’s almost the feeling of waiting for the other foot to fall, a dread of some sort. This has to stop soon, I have a long day tomorrow and then Monday I have to find clothes for a skills test for a job, they make sure you know that it’s not an interview but instead a skills test. I still want to make a good impression because you never know who will be there and see you. With being older, I can’t let anything slip.

Telling myself to calm down only makes it worse so I have to stop doing that because tomorrow comes in a little while, maybe I can put on a movie that will make me sleepy. Wish me luck!

Smells

I awoke last night at 1 am to a very strong smell of coffee. Thinking it was time to get up, I reached for my phone to turn off the alarm and that’s when I could see the real time. Thinking that the coffee pot was on the fritz due to a power outage last week, I pulled the covers back over me and tried to go back to sleep.

Every half hour or so, my eyes would open with a feeling again of the coffee needing my attention. No smell of smoke, no fear in my mind but just the strong smell in my room. I did set the coffee to start for the next morning as I normally do but this has never happened before. Was I being told that I just needed to get up, what was going on?

Whether it was just being very tired or laziness, I decided each time not to get out of bed and to try and push through in order to get some sleep. Finally, 5 am came around, I normally get up at 5:30 am so I gave in and got up. Keeping to my morning ritual, I walked out of the restroom again to smell the coffee. By this time I truly thought that the coffee pot would have hit it’s two-hour timer and turned itself off.

Turning the light on in the kitchen, I hear the familiar drip and hiss sound of the coffee pot, it was just starting to brew! There wasn’t yet the strong smell of coffee in the room as it was in my bedroom last night. This was beyond strange because I truly expected to see a full pot of cold coffee waiting for me to heat back up this morning.

Sometimes I can sit in my bedroom and smell smoke, like a cigarette. No one in my house smokes and a smoker hasn’t lived here since my father who passed in 1976. So it’s strange how smells can take over a moment and well, a night if I’m counting the hours of last night. But why coffee and why so strong that it wakes me up? Was I supposed to get up and just didn’t do it? I’m worried to find what I missed from not heeding its warning.

Nothing seems to be out of the ordinary and I actually fell asleep in the living room for 15 minutes after setting my fresh cup of coffee down. Thank goodness I didn’t sleep for longer or I would have been late for work. However, I do wish I had the day off, my desk sits beside my bed at the moment and the covers look so inviting. But the window is open and the sun is rising. Birds are chirping and happy that we filled the feeder. It’s so chipper outside I’m wondering when Mary Poppins is going to fly by! Seriously, it’s a beautiful morning and I’m having to watch it from my window, albeit better than not watching it so I am thankful. Thankful yet tired today, hopefully, that will pass just as the strong smell of coffee did and the day will continue to be beautiful.

Rainy Day

I woke up this morning to ring in the new year, I had to sleep last night since I work today. There were hopes of sunshine coming through my window as that always makes me feel better. However, when the darkness seemed to stay on my curtains well past the time that it should, I opened them to find rain. Not the relaxing rain that pats on the roof and cradles your senses into euphoria. This is the drizzling, dark and cold rain that brings nothing but the colder weather on it’s back.

Blah, the house is chilly and with the site of the drizzle, it only makes it feel colder. Birds and squirrels have taken refuge as the bird feeder sits alone. The rain is teasing me as it starts to pick up momentum and dare to relax me. But then again, it slows its pace and saddens me again.

I want to open the window but know that it’s even colder out there. Out there where the fresh air is held captive just as I am. My relationship with the fresh air is one I hold very dear, I visit it daily and allow it to visit me also inside my house. Being separated like this is not something I like or would normally allow. Like looking into a candy store window, it taunts me and tells me to open the window, but just as candy takes it’s toll so will the chill outside.

We’ve been fighting the cold and flu season for a couple of weeks now. From one to another the sneezing and coughing have made their way to everyone and then back to another again. My fear is that it will never go away at this point with the weather, but I still will hope and fight against it.

It’s getting colder as the day goes on and so we’ve closed the house even more in order to hold in the heat. My feet are cold even though it’s colder outside, they must know and are just trying to lure me into putting socks on. If my brain would signal so then I guess I would but my brain has an evil sense of humor sometimes when it comes to my body.

A blanket and a cat on my lap is what this weather calls for but I’m not too sure if that’s going to be happening anytime soon. Much to do when the cold weather comes around and I’m in charge of the chores. So hopefully it will not be too much longer and I can rest and warm up. In the meantime, I’ll listen to the howling of the wind as it fights to get inside and be thankful that there is a roof over my head and an old house that, while drafty, for the most part, warms us up from the outside cold. I will lay my head down tonight with that thought and feel blessed while I sleep.

What Do I Do?

Last year I took a job working from home for several reasons. The four years prior to that we had been living in a shell, protecting my granddaughter as we went through the courts for custody and then in fear of someone showing up on our door that didn’t need to be there. Being away from home was torture for me when I had to work. The thought of her going to school here just added another form of fear. Who is in the school that knows the mother and what would they be willing to do for her. We are well aware that with the school system, it is very easy to persuade a young child to leave and no one sees what happened.

Working from home, we’ve been able to homeschool her this year and she’s doing great. It’s been a growing time for all of us and sometimes we’re not as great as we should be while other times I think we knock it out of the park. She’s growing at lightning speed and the things she says can sometimes stop a conversation in its tracks. I am so proud and so nervous for her all at the same time.

We know we want to move from here and where we want to go but finding a place we can afford is hard to do with what we can afford. I’m selling the family home and already have the buyer for that, just nowhere for us to go right now. The holidays are a hard time to buy a home from what I’m being told. Also, the holidays don’t help with the credit score either. So we’ll have to give it a couple months I’m thinking for the credit score to look better than it does right now with the holiday spending.

I do think that I’m at the point where I would have no remorse about moving now. Although the thought of sleeping in a different place always makes me nervous. Being closer the family would be nice though. My younger brother never comes over anymore unless it’s to pick up his son when I’ve begged to have him stay the night. So I know I’m not wanted over there and that was at first my worry. He’s got his head twisted up with a gold digger and won’t listen to me so I can only worry about myself and my family with me. I think I’ve really come to terms with it and that’s why I feel the idea of moving is comfortable to me.

I wonder though if there still isn’t anywhere that I can afford right after the holidays, would I be better off renting until one comes up? I’ve rented an apartment before but it was just me that I was worried about. Before I took over raising my nephew I was able to live by myself, not too far because she still needed me but it was still somewhere I could close the doors and talk to myself. This time, I have two other people depending on me and I don’t want to mess it up.

The fear is subsiding now, but I don’t like my job….one thing if not the other, right? I’m being shown that there’s no potential for growth and I haven’t figured out if it’s because they pick who they know and like or if it’s because I’m older. I truly hate what I do in this job but it got me home and I could take care of my granddaughter. When I was hired, they said that the potential to grow and move around the company was great, but I’m not seeing it as great so far.

Do you think I should just stick it out until we get moved and then really start looking? My granddaughter would be able to attend school there so I could take something during the day or at least a different work from home during her school hours. Her dad would have more opportunity to work there also so that would add income to the household. It would be better for us there, I just don’t know what to do. Do we go ahead and move and just rent until we find something? I have to keep the job for the move, that’s a given, but do I let my immediate supervisor know that I’m not happy with how it’s going or do I just shut up? Will expressing my feelings only make it worst?

Oh why can’t I have a magic crystal ball to show me the future if I pick one way or the other. I wish someone could give me advice.

Changes

Last night seemed like it would never end, sleep would never start and yet here I find myself sitting in the dark with just the light of the computer starting my workday before the sun has even thought about rising.

Our evening started as normal, I had finished work for the day and dinner was already waiting. We enjoyed our meal and then my granddaughter and son sat down to play a game while I watched one of my addictive reality shows. They finished and she got up in my lap to settle for the evening and talk to me about her dolls and their big adventures that day.

A little before 7:30 pm, we heard at first the sound of possible fireworks but then another round came and it was more sporadic than the first so we knew it was gunfire. It was close enough to be outside the window. My son called the police but they said they already had multiple calls so we just hunkered down and waited. Suddenly police lights and a helicopter sound seemed to be all over the place. Of course, we never go outside when anything like this is happening and lately it seems to be happening more and more.

We waited and watched as cars were turned away from going to the end of our street and a few “crazy” people actually walked down there but again seemed to be turned away. I then got a phone call from my neighbor who didn’t seem to know much more than I did except she took refuge in her bathroom. We talked a little while watching the lights for any serious movement but nothing.

I finally decided it was safe enough to go outside and look when I saw the news truck pull up in front of our house and take their camera with them. Needless to say, they weren’t at their truck by the time I made it outside and I wasn’t brave enough to go one house over to the lights, so I stayed back and watched. Police tape up was up around the stop sign and down the road while more police cars seemed to be closing off the far side of the road also. But still, no one really knew what had happened.

We decided to wait until the news aired in order to find out and sad as it is, someone lost their life. It was a shootout in the backyard of the house that connects with my backyard. I remember being a kid and playing with the girl that lived there back then, but I don’t know who lives there now. Every now and then we would hear music or people talking loudly but I never thought they sounded like people who got involved in that. Yes, the neighborhood I grew up in is not what it used to be. Yes, we are desperately wanting to move but money is the main factor in our way. We could sell our house and yet it still wouldn’t be enough money to move.

My sisters are worried for us and with good reason as I worry for us also. I’m just making the bills so there is no real extra to add. I’ve looked for things to sell but I’ve never been a materialistic person in that way so the things that I do have only seem to have sentimental value. One of my sisters thought I should start a Go Fundme account but I don’t know if that’s something I should do or not. To publicly air my dirty laundry where everyone knows who I am? Writing it here, no one knows me enough to call me or say “why didn’t you say something”. Is this just my pride getting in the way of asking for help and do I even know how to ask for help?

No, it’s not safe here, not even as I sit here is it safe. I have a granddaughter to think about and I don’t know what to do really. I wish my Mom were here so I could ask her.

What Would That Be Like?

The cold weather is coming and although I’m a big fan of hot chocolate, comfy blankets and snuggling up to watch a movie, the cold scares me.  My house was built in 1956 and it shows it’s old bones during the winter time. Well, it tends to show it’s old bones throughout the year but I feel it most during the winter.

I’m not sure what type of insulation was in place back then but I know it’s had to have worn out by now. I’ve seen a yellow type fibreglass before when trying to fix a roof leak so I know they did use some.  Although you would never know it, I think back then they did do it right, it’s just not been updated.

My mother replaced most of the jalousie windows when I was younger, not sure how young but around a teenager. There is one side of the house where she couldn’t get them changed. I think it was because of the size, it’s like putting three windows in a row so it’s quite large. The others are very thin, I think you’d call them single pane?  The large windows in the front of the house are broken and that happened not long after getting them. One side doesn’t open any longer and stays in a partially open position so we keep it covered with plastic year round. It has a screen so you can’t see it from the road and it’s not large enough for anyone to crawl into so it’s been okay. The other side to it still opens which is a lifesaver in the times that we just need some fresh air in the house.

Now, the other windows in the bedrooms, they are still thin and you can stand by them and feel the air slowly coming in. We have window a/c units in two of the rooms so one of the rooms doesn’t have real access to use the window since no one is tall enough to see over it like that. But summertime here without a/c would be worse than not seeing out that window.

Now that you know the structure of the windows in the front of the house, you might know a little of why winter scares me. I sleep in the room that used to be my mothers’ room and even back then it was still the coldest room in the house. I don’t know why this room chooses to be so cold but again it could be the age of the insulation. But we are at the time of year when we have to decide if it’s time to put the plastic back up on all the windows and block off the back room.  We have a back room, the people before us took a Florida room and closed it in to make an additional room. I don’t know how much they knew or didn’t know about construction but I know it wasn’t done right. There is no insulation out there and that was easy to see when I had to fix the roof and take down part of the ceiling. It’s basically brick on the outside covered by sheet board on the inside. So, during winter it’s closed and plastic is put on the door. We grab what we need and leave it because you don’t want to be caught on a cold day having to go out there. It’s more like a storage area for us now and isn’t really usable.

So I know this probably makes no sense as I jump around a bit this morning with jitters after watching the weatherman.  There’s just no money to fix anything or make it better and I’m really tired of trying all these years and not having it pay off even just a little. Why can’t I go to bed at night knowing that nothing is going to fall apart or break or get broken into? I just want one really good night of real rest without worry. What would that be like?

Rise and Shine

Where did the term Rise and Shine come from? Unless you’re from another planet, I don’t know anyone who shines in the morning let alone during the day. I haven’t looked it up, although you might think I was curious enough to do so. But sometimes I like to live in my questions.

Waking up with an attitude that exudes ability and the happiness to do so. Could this be the meaning of the well-used term? I don’t really know but what I think I know is completely different from it. My take on this term is that it forces you to believe that it’s how you’re supposed to feel or act. Like when someone says Have a Nice Day, some would say that this would now put pressure on you to do just that. Others would say that it’s just a nicety and being polite.

So how am I supposed to rise and shine when I just feel tired and dark? We as humans have a built-in want to please others so we do our part and slap a smile on for the very person that put the pressure on us in the first place. Do they know that they just added another layer of bricks to my already heavy load for today? Are they sincerely just trying to be nice? I don’t know but I don’t know if I’ve ever shined in the morning ever unless it involved sweating after running when I was younger.

Am I missing something? Do people really Rise and Shine and maybe it’s just me that’s never experienced it? How does someone reach such a place in life that it’s at least possible?

Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced waking up and feeling joy or happiness. When you wake up to a little face still sleeping in the bed beside you, you just can’t help but stare in amazement that such a little thing could love you so unconditionally. That is what gets me through my day, the uncorrupted view of a 5-year-old.  She loves me no matter what I mess up or what bill I can’t pay that month. Even though I put pressure on myself because of her being in my life, I would never change it for anything. Maybe she is my shine? Do you think that everyone’s shine is different? I mean, hopefully, we all rise, but do you think it takes something else to make us shine? We still need something on the outside to make us shine on the inside? What did we use before that one thing or someone came along?

I’m still a little lost on the whole thing but I do see some things that can fit into this. But please, don’t put the pressure on someone else by telling them this. Maybe try a nice Hi, the sun is fantastic today or Wake up, breakfast is ready (that would be nice). I know there’s more that I’m missing but the pressure is just too much sometimes to live up to. Maybe, for now, I’ll be content with the rising but not shining unless someone tells me really how to do it.