Last Saturday

This is the last Saturday that I’ll be sitting in this room. I didn’t think a year ago that this would actually be happening and then when it did, it took off faster than I thought it would.

I think I’ve cried more than my body takes in water but right now I’ve gotten past it. That’s not to say when I sign away the house that I won’t cry, I know that it’s going to be an ugly cry and for a while until the hurting stops. But this is what I prayed to the universe for and it’s actually happening. Maybe not happening the way that I had planned but it’s at least happening. Here’s what I mean by not going by planned.

During my dreams of change, we would go and look at places that were up for sale and they were very nice, some even nice enough to try for. Those dreams would fall flat when mortgage companies would tell me no or want me to give them more money in order to do it. Sounds crazy, right? Give them more money to loan me money for a house, but it’s true and I never knew it before. I can’t tell you how many places that we looked at or had my sister do a “drive by” to see what it looked like for me. She lives up there and it was easier sometimes to see if it was worth getting the realtor involved.

Getting the right school zone was my main challenge and we managed to stay in it. But with being let down so many times, I guess I had started to let go of my dream. Even though once you let people know that you’re looking, don’t give them your nice email address because you will forever get emails from them and their associates. I’m changing email services so it’s okay right now.

Now that I had given up, I was trying to think of ways to make our situation here a little better, if any. Trying to turn my thinking into how we could find a way to fix the house so that we would enjoy being in it, as we feel imprisoned in it at times.

Something happened, we had gone to visit one of my other sisters, who lives up there also, to see her new granddaughter. During our visit, she jokingly said that my older brother wanted to sell his place and for what price. I didn’t really pay much mind to her as I really thought she was joking.

Fate really steps in and I don’t know what it was but when we got back home, something told me to send him a text. So I did and would you believe it, she was right? A crazy low price that I would be able to afford with selling my house here. So we set up some time to go take a look. Now I know what you’re saying, he’s my brother why do I not know what it looks like? I do, I just hadn’t been out to his house in a long long time. He went through a divorce and became reclusive. When I tried to visit last time, storms had knocked down trees and blocked the road. So, as it’s confusing to find if you don’t know it, I didn’t know the way around so we never saw him that day. We’ve always kept in contact by text or by phone so we’ve not lost talking, just we live so far apart now and that’s just how it worked out.

So, as he also suffers from depression, we went to look and you might say that the depression showed. It needs a lot of work but my brother-in-law said that the structure is really good, it’s mainly cosmetic and cleaning. We struck a deal and from then on the past month, we’ve been making the trip up on Sundays to clean and get it ready for us to move in. There have been no days to sleep in and very few nights to relax as they are filled with cleaning two places and packing two places.

I say two places because I told my brother I would help him as much as I can, even though we’re a long way away, I can at least give the one day a week and we really do a lot of work in that one day. It’s been nice though because we’ve had the chance to really spend the time together and get to know each other again so it’s nice. With seven children total, he was the oldest while I was number five, so the age difference while growing up and then he was 13 when our father passed. He had to grow up really quick and so it was hard for him.

We’ll be moving in while he’s still there, he’s getting an apartment and it’s not ready for him yet. He said the most should be two weeks that he will be there with us. I don’t mind it, although I have to make sure I’m dressed better…no running around without a bra on anymore. LOL I think it will be nice though. He works long hours at a hospital in their IT department so he’ll be leaving for work while I’m getting up for work. Then he’ll get home when I’m getting off of work so I think we’ll have a few hours at night to talk again. I’m looking forward to it because he remembers more than I do about my father. I was only seven when our father passed and you would think that I’d remember more but unfortunately the memories that I do have are more like feelings than they are memories, it’s weird.

We, meaning myself, my son and his daughter, my sister and her husband and grandson, my brother and his daughter all went to breakfast two Sundays ago. We chose breakfast instead of lunch so that we start out while we’re not sweaty. But, it was so nice just to sit down and talk about a bunch of stuff, not family history or anything but just regular talk.  He and I got paid yesterday so we’re doing breakfast again tomorrow.

I was sending him an updated text and asked if he wanted breakfast to just be us or like last time with more people. He texted me back that he wanted everyone because that is what Mom would want, everyone around the table enjoying a meal together. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve had such an ugly cry without it being a panic attack but it threw my son into worry and my granddaughter asking why I was sad. I had to let them know that it was a good cry and that everything was okay. I finally explained what happened but still cried when I said it to my son.

This made me do something and I don’t know if I’ll regret it or not. My older brother and my oldest sister have not spoken in a very long time, it might have been my mothers services Christmas time of 2005 that they were even in the same room with each other. My sister has been up to talking to him but while he was with his wife, it just never seemed to be able to happen. When they got divorced, his depression just seemed to consume him but now it’s like watching someone who is reborn. Little by little he’s coming out of his shell and I think he’s liking having family around.

After he texted what he did about Mom and a meal, I got in touch with my oldest sister. She is going to be at my other sisters house on Sunday morning when we go over to pick her up for breakfast. I don’t know how my brother will react but I’m hoping that he’s ready for it. We didn’t think that the restaurant was a good idea to meet because he would feel trapped and not want to make a scene. This way it’s more private for them both and hopefully they can start to mend their relationship.

I’ve come to realize that the only thing that you take with you are the experiences and relationships that you build here. Nothing else matters because you leave it all behind. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends and experience what this physical world has to offer if you can. I can’t afford to travel but I can experience a makeshift picnic or a day at a theme park or even just growing a garden in the ground. These are the things that “grow” people and that go with us, not the money or the cars.

I truly hope that Sunday goes well, I’m super nervous about it.

A Stranger in My House

Yesterday was the day for a stranger to come into my house and look it over. I was terrified so my sister came down to be with me. She brought her grandson so that gave my granddaughter someone to play with and to completely mess up her room before they got here, of course, but it was okay.

I was so nervous that I truly thought I was going to cry and that getting through it just wasn’t possible. The woman that I’ve been emailing with for eight months arrived in one car and then she had her associate pull up in another car. Right away they phones came out and they were taking pictures. I couldn’t have asked for nicer people but I had to allow them to come in. If you’re read my previous posts, you know this is not something that I do.

They came in and I introduced them to my son and my sister, then it was time to look around. They took more pictures, knocked on walls and asked questions about what was what and how many exact rooms there were. I was honest and they know about the leak in the roof, I truly think it’s where the previous owners closed in the back room but I’m not a roofer so I don’t know for sure.

They seemed like they were pleased with it, my sister even thought so too. However, my neighbor hasn’t said anything to me since I let her know that we would probably move within two months or so if nothing went wrong. I don’t know if it’s just because we haven’t run into each other or if she’s avoiding me.

There was no way to avoid the two strange cars parked in the road yesterday as they didn’t pull into the yard. One parked between my house and my direct neighbor while the other parked across the street in front of that neighbors house. I could just think of what they were thinking. The people across the street don’t truly have personal conversation with us like our direct neighbors but we grew up with them and they too, took over the house after the passing of their mother.

So if the neighbors across the street didn’t realize the car was out there and what they were doing, then I guess a big moving van will do the trick. I wonder what they’ll say.

But, I’ve sent the contract off to a friend that studied law, just to be sure before signing it. Having them in the house, even with having to tell them all it’s flaws, wasn’t as bad a feeling as I thought it would be. I didn’t cry or have a panic attack but I don’t honestly remember if I took my medicine before it or not. I think having my sister here helped a lot.

The woman gave me a few more papers to look at when she left and she had to take them out of her car so I’m sure if they had ended up not being interested then she wouldn’t have given them to me.

I think it’s starting to sink in now and I just want it over and done with, guess anyone that’s moved would have said that too.

Nervous

I don’t want to jinx us but I think it’s going to happen. I think we’re going to be able to move. Would I sound horrible if I said I was scared? We’ve been working on this for so long and now it’s at my fingertips and I’m freaking out!

This is actually a home that my older brother is living in right now. He is recently divorced and was given it in the settlement. It’s too much house for him and too far from work. When he was married, they moved there for the same reasons that I’m looking for, a place for children and a good school for them to go to, also being closer to family (down the road).

The house is a bit more “in the woods” than I would prefer but I know it’s growing up and there should be more houses out there in the coming years. But as of right now, you could truly stand buck naked in the front yard and not a soul would know (except for who’s with you).

It’s going to take a bit of work as he’s suffered from depression since the divorce and let things go that needed taking care of. My brother in law said it’s all simple stuff that he knows how to do and will show my son, so not to worry. He currently has three dogs, a German Sheppard and two Chihuahuas. However, he lets them outside and they have fleas. One of my cats is allergic to fleas and well, I just don’t want them anyway. So we have a lot of work to do before we can move in, that is after the finance part comes through.

We have to bug bomb first to get the fleas out and then clean as there is a bit of dog fir and I don’t want to freak out my older cats either, I’m worried about them taking the long trip as it is. We will have to get a dog because of being out in the woods, but we would start with a puppy so that it can grow up with my granddaughter and protect her. Also, even though my cats are divas, I’m hoping a puppy would be easier to integrate into the household.

The yard is hugely overgrown as it’s only been him and he said the lawnmower is broken. But my son loves to do yard work so to him, this would be like discovering Pandoras Box.  My brother said that he has a peach tree in the back yard so I’m hoping to add more fruit trees once we have it cleared. It’s unthinkable that we could have a yard that we can walk about in and have a cookout with people over. I’ve not been able to do that in years.

I don’t want to get my hopes up too early but if it goes through, it shouldn’t be two months before we can move. It’s going to be a lot of work but I know it will be worth it, even if just for my granddaughter.

Praying So Hard

Oh my goodness! I am in shock today and I don’t know how long it takes to wear off. We are buying a house. It turns out that my older brother is selling his house and moving closer to work so we are going to buy his house and land from him. It never dawned on me that he wanted to move and it just came up in conversation.

The school zone is right where we were looking to be albeit a bit more in the woods than I was hoping but it’s growing up out there so I don’t think it will be so alone for that much longer. It’s a huge difference in the convenience of shopping and entertainment but we really don’t do movie theaters or sit down dinners outside of the house anyway. We do eat some drive throughs to bring home but that will stop and I don’t mind that either, nor will my waistline.

But I was just praying not to have to go through another cold and freezing winter in this house again and then it happened. I think we were deterred from the other houses just for this to happen. There is a lot of work that needs to be done, he kind of let it go after the divorce so it’s been him and his three dogs (you have to have a dog out there and I think a gun too). But once we get it all set, there will be plenty of room for my granddaughter to play. I can’t believe we can actually get a swing set! I wonder, is six years old too old for a swing set? Just the thought of her being able to play outside makes me get emotional.

He said that they do get wild animals and that is why you have to have a dog out there. My two sisters live just 15 minutes down the road so I know I would see them way more than I do now. Even though they will visit and we will visit, it’s a huge difference than where we are now. No loud booming cars driving down the road at 2 am. They have gunshots but that’s from people hunting so I’ll have to get used to not hearing deliberate shooting at other people. As it is now, I sit and watch out my bedroom window while working. I watch each and ever person that walks or drives down the street because I just don’t trust anyone. Our house was burglarized during the day so it’s completely believable that it can still happen again. Not being in fear of a drive-by will be something to get used to but then I’ll have to get used to looking for animals too.

I kept saying I wasn’t going to get a dog but I think it’s necessity out there. We would definitely have to start with a puppy so that they grow up my with granddaughter. My brother right now has a German Sheppard who I thought was going to tear through the door when we got there and then he has to “ankle biters” that were super cute. My sister that lives near by there, she has a mix that she adopted from the shelter, part bloodhound and part ridgeback and she’s adorable. I think we’ll end up going to the same shelter that they did.

This sister has truly been amazing to me and my family. She’s been there through my panic attacks and they have dropped what they’re doing (even called into work) when I went into the hospital a few years ago, just to be there. She’s been with me every step of the house hunt and even gone to check out property up there if I asked. They’re now offering to help us with the clean up so that we can move in faster, I just don’t know what I would do without the two of them (she and her husband).

I’m just praying and keeping good thoughts that this is going to work out and is exactly what we need to do. I’m scared to death but I’m excited also. I’m praying so hard that this is what we need.

Hospitals Make Me Nervous

There’s a lot of emotions going through my mind right now. My brother-in-law has to have surgery next week and it’s a serious one. He’s going to be at a fantastic hospital so I know he’s at the best place possible but it’s still scary. I’m going to be there and be with my sister but I know she’s going to be freaking out. He’s had high blood pressure but nothing other than that before so it’s weird to think of him needing surgery.

His mother and the rest of his family haven’t been very active in his life unless they want something and his mother has decided to be there. My sister has never gotten along with her so I’m wondering how that’s going to go. I don’t care too much for the woman myself because of the way she treated them. He’s been more a part of my family than of his own birth family. They’ve been together since they were 14 and 16 and now they have three kids and three granchildren so they’ve stood the test of time. They are who I want to live close to and I am closest to in my family, he’s my brother in all sense of the word except for being married to my sister.

I’ve been thinking about this non stop and I do wish my brain would stop it for just a little bit. I can only imagine what they are going through, knowing it’s coming up. They have to go in the day before so that they can do something with his blood before surgery but I won’t get there until the next day. I’m hoping to see him before he goes in so that he knows we’re there. I think it makes a difference when you know someone is there for you. When I had my surgery, there was no one waiting for me and I knew it and felt horrible.

He’s in good hands and that is for sure so I need to stop worrying. But if my sister starts crying, I just might lose it. The surgery is for May 15th, I wouldn’t mind some extra prayers or good thoughts to the universe for him. Hospitals just make me nervous.

Time Stops

What would happen if the world was taken away from someone and time were just to stop? What would it be like to try and become a part of that world when you’re allowed to experience it again? Seeing how things have continued on without you being there and finding that your existence might not have been as important as you might have thought or felt. How can my current life go on without me here?

I have a family member that has been in a private minimum security jail for the past 5 years. He is going back home tomorrow after all of that time inside the same place. I worry that the change will be too much. He’s had TV and access as far as music and magazines but to actually be a part of it is completely different. How will it feel to come back to your home and find everyone 5 years older, your family, dog and the trees in the yard with how much they’ve reached farther into the sky.

Would it be like walking into a weird dream that I myself have had before. Coming home to my house only to find strangers living there and I am no longer wanted. Or would it be like blinking and although the characters have changed or aged, everything is still the same?

I worry about the expectations that he has of himself and his thoughts of everything coming together quickly and perfect. He’s a smart young man although I think being where he is, has changed his ability to realize reality as what it is today. He’s actually been teaching other men there and helping them get their GED. Hopefully some of them will be able to leave there and be a better person than when they went in. I was glad to hear that he kept his mind sharp and helped to share that with others.

What would it be like to enter a familiar place and yet still be a stranger?  I would worry about still being loved but I don’t know if that’s what he’s going to be feeling or not. I love my entire family, even those I don’t speak with, I would never wish any ill harm. My love for him is unconditional and I have complete faith that once he gets over the shock and is back to his old / new self, that he’ll be better than ever.

But I can still worry.