Just Once…..

The heat this weekend is breathtaking. When the sun is shining and the heat literally can take your breath away, it’s time to hide inside. The house isn’t as cool as it could be but I’m thankful that it’s cooler than outside. Sometimes I feel like my life itself is too hot to breath. It’s not that the events are exciting but instead that there are so many struggles to get through that I just don’t have time to breath in between them.

I had such a bad day at work Friday, I felt like a huge idiot and it’s hard to keep going into somewhere just knowing that you’re going to feel stupid at some point during that day. With no official training, learning what they do is like pulling teeth and they put you in the position of feeling stupid before you learn something. Anyways, I had to walk out of the office in order to calm down. If I didn’t need a job so badly, I would have left completely.  After I semi-calmed down, I went back inside the building but thought I would try to calm down more after work. I told my son that we would splurge for a movie at the drive-in, yes, they have a drive-in up here!

I didn’t care for the first movie so I was waiting for the second one. Half-way through the first movie, the dash started blinking and flashing an error message. I got it to stop but we had to wait for the intermission for me to get it going again. Well, it wouldn’t start at all during intermission so we ended up getting a jump and heading home. My nerves were through the roof at this point because I had no idea if it would die on us while trying to get home. Living in the woods can be nice but not when you think you might get stuck with a child in the dark and no cell service.

That night, I robbed Peter to pay Paul and got a battery online that we just had to get there and they would install. I couldn’t sleep and my nerves were still going in the morning. Thank goodness that the car started in the morning. We went and got the new battery but it didn’t calm me down. That night I went into the bathroom to find a scorpion on the wall! My nerves have been up since then and it’s been a few days. With being the only paycheck coming in, I’m barely getting by and that’s with juggling from one week to the next and now with this amount taken out, I just don’t know what’s going to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad that I found a job but I just wish it paid enough to pay the bills. I’m looking for either a replacement job that pays more or a part-time job to go with this one. There’s just not enough hours in the day nor money in the bank so it’s like being pulled tight at both ends. You ever see people playing tug-o-war and there is a handkerchief in the middle of the rope being pulled from one side to the other during the game? I feel like that handkerchief, being pulled and pulled from both sides. I’m just afraid that I’m going to fall into the mud below at some point.

There just has to be a bottom to all of this? Do you know what I mean? When I see someone spiraling out of control (usually of their own decisions) I think to myself that once they hit bottom, they will be able to really turn themselves around.  Well, I feel like I’m going in the down direction so why wouldn’t I also have a bottom and be able to get my footing? Am I exempt from having the opportunity or what? Why was I picked to have to go through all of this? Just once having an uplifting opportunity come my way would be nice.

I am thankful for many things in my life and wouldn’t change how that has come about. But being able to pay the bills on time, being able to get a haircut or even buy a new bra! Yes, I know a little personal but so true. I’m going to have to figure out how to get school clothes for my granddaughter and I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

My mind is so mentally tired right now that I think it could take away from my ability to plan a solution. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone stepping in and helping. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone taking over and telling me that everything is going to be alright.  Just once I would accept the help…..just once.

Blessed

I find myself with a little time at night that I can be here. Getting home after dinner time doesn’t leave much time for anything except to eat and then go to sleep. I do make sure to spend time with my grand baby but then she’s got to go to bed earlier than I do so it’s a little hard, I miss her.

Even though I miss out on family time, I am blessed that someone finally hired me. It’s not a lot of money but it’s way better than nothing. Right now I’m trying to balance the bills so that I can try and get caught up. The paycheck isn’t big enough to pay everything at once but I’m thinking that I can break it down into smaller payments during the month, if I can get caught up first. Has anyone else ever done that?

The people that I work with are very nice but I have to say, no one there has a clue how to train someone. I’ve been doing my best to find everything and anything that I can in order to learn. I’m still terrified that no matter how much I try, it’s not going to be good enough and I’m going to mess up. It doesn’t help that I’m the oldest one there, not that anyone makes it an issue, just how it feels.

I’m stretching every penny that I get, they gave us a ham for Easter and I’ve made sandwiches all week and ham and eggs for breakfast. I can’t wait to get caught up and know that the bills are paid. Does there ever come a time when you don’t worry? Maybe if it weren’t just me paying the bills. I don’t place any hard feelings on my son because he really can’t do anything until my grand goes to physical school next year. He’s her teacher right now and we had to do that before we moved because it wasn’t safe. Maybe it will be better when there are two paychecks coming in, just have to get there.

I was  hoping to be able to afford a movie this weekend, they actually have a drive in movie theater here. When I was little it was such a treat to get to go to the drive in, then they closed it down. I can’t wait to get to go with the kids. I want to give them memories like I have, mind you my memories are nothing to do with money but with family and experiences with family. That’s what I want them to have, good simple family memories.

With tonight being Friday, I do take peace in knowing that I can go to bed without setting the alarm but I’m also thankful that I have to do that on Sunday night. I am thankful, I am blessed and even though it’s hard, I know I am blessed.

Keep Looking and Pray

I’m truly worried, to the point that I cannot sleep at night. Next month I have enough to make the car payment but that is it. I have to pay the car because without a car, I cannot go to job interviews. I’m scared of what’s going to happen because I’ve never been this far into unemployment.

It’s not for a lack of trying because my full time job right now is looking for a job. I’ve had three interviews but so far nothing has come from them. I will be reaching out to one of them tomorrow as it’s been a week and they said to call them. But really, if you have to call them, are they really considering you?

A job is a job and I’ve put in for a lot of things so that I can get working. Companies have no personal contact with applicants anymore and have no idea who is on the other side. I received a decline email from Aldi! I put in for a cashier position so that I can work and they said no. No, I haven’t worked retail in some years but heavens sake, what does that mean when you can’t even get a cashier position to say yes? My son says that he thinks they assume I’ve over qualified and that’s why they rejected me. But in the same thoughts, other jobs that are in my field, want a degree. Companies want to pay someone $10 and hour but require them to have a degree, it makes no sense.

It makes me wonder if I would be having better luck had we not moved. Is this happening because we moved out into the “country”? No matter where I work, if it’s not a work from home then I’m going to be driving upwards of 30 miles one way to work. It’s completely fine with me but I wonder if that plays into their decision making also.

Insurance companies keep reaching out to me but I have never applied to them. They want you to get your license and then sell for them but I can’t afford that. I truly have no interest in insurance but I’ll do whatever job I’m offered, I just can’t afford to pay to get a job. What else do I need to do?

Applying for jobs today is completely different from when I entered the workforce. Everything is on the computer and about 95% of the time, employers do not respond to your application with a no if they decide not to hire you. So with this empty void of not knowing, you keep going with the blind search on the computer. Companies do not see you as a person anymore, not at first. It used to be that you could present yourself to the company when you went in to fill out the application. This gave you a chance to get a feel for the company while they were able to start their opinion about you, it was a personal experience. Getting a job has nothing to do with the person that you are now, it’s about the person you are on paper.

I’ve been trying to think of things that I can make in order to sell but I can’t think of anything that anyone would want to buy. My best asset is how I relate to people and help them know that they’re appreciated and valued. Customers feel like cattle in today’s world, tag ’em, milk ’em and move ’em. This could be why so many companies are going out of business. If a customer is going to be treated like a blank dollar sign in person then why not just purchase online? The brick and mortar company doesn’t invest in the customer in the sense they need to in order to keep the physical door open. It’s sad but it’s been heading that direction for a long time now and unfortunately I’m on the end of paying  a price for it.

What does the future hold for us? The house is paid for but without electricity out here, it’s really dark and the water doesn’t come out of the well. My brain goes to a worse case scenario with all of what could happen. I’m applying for everything, no matter what it is. I can always keep looking while I have something else but if a grocery store won’t hire me, what the heck?

I’m relying on my faith and if you’ve been reading my blog then you know even that has been tested a few times. I still believe in the power of prayer but I don’t know if that revolves around the power of the mind or not. It gives me a little comfort at least but I don’t know how I’ll have comfort next month when the money is truly gone. I have $423.17 in the bank and that is it. I’ve made it stretch for six months and I cannot stretch it any further. What am I going to do?

Keep looking and pray.

Sweet Tea and a Cool Breeze

I’ve been busy searching for jobs while keeping the bills paid, it’s a lot of stress. Putting on a happy face everyday when you’re truly not sure what is going to happen, how much longer can I do this?

One application did lead to a skills test, they said I passed the test but they weren’t asking me back for an interview. Other applications will simply get me an email saying that they’re no longer filling that position. I feel like I’m banging my head against a door that I don’t have the key for.

The money is really dwindling down and there’s not much time left with it. I just paid the available bills this morning and I just want to cry because I know that there are three more bills that just haven’t come out yet. I have to find a way to raise more money before running out. I’m thankful for the weather lately, it’s been a little chilly but not enough to need to have the heat on, this would really raise the light bill and I can’t do that right now.

I am very thankful for what we already have and have achieved these past few months. The hot cup of coffee by my side is more than someone else might have and I am thankful. Being so negative, I’m truly sorry for showing that side of me but here is where I feel that I can let that out.

We’ve been able to spend more time outside here, we could never do that before moving. Yesterday we put together a shed that I had purchased before losing my job. It got to be late so we have to finish putting on the roof of it today. But being outside and all three of us working together, my granddaughter was the gopher for us and she also made some pretty designs in the dirt. It was fun to watch her actually play in the dirt and just be a kid. It’s taken a bit of getting used to when it comes to being outside. Before moving, we felt captive in the house due to all of the violence there and now we can leave the windows open and be way out in the back property and know that no one is going to come in. I do still lock the door at all times but I don’t want that to change, it’s a habit that I think is still good no matter where you are.

Without money coming in, we’re learning how to stay home and enjoy each others company. There really haven’t been a lot of requests to do other things but the ability was still there before whereas it isn’t now. My son and his daughter planted seeds that we saved from vegetables and they’re actually growing. I have a feeling though that when they move them outside, the deer will eat them. But it’s nice to see them doing things together.

There’s still plenty of land to clear so when I’m waiting on new job listings to come up, we’ll be out in the yard cutting it down. My dream of sitting in a lawn chair with a glass of sweet tea while watching the kids play is getting closer, it’s what helps to keep me going sometimes.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new crop of listings but it is a holiday so possibly Tuesday for sure. I wish you the best of weeks and hope you do the same for me. Thanks for never judging me and just letting me vent sometimes.

No Sleep, No Money

It’s chilly out tonight and I am sleepy but my mind just doesn’t want to stop. My granddaughter has a cold again and I can hear her from down the hallway. Poor thing, we all just seem to be keeping this thing going but one person to another and I thought we were in the clear. Looks like the cold is going to make it’s rounds again through the house.

Last night was our coldest night so far and I stayed awake to keep an eye on the heaters. Since this is our first winter here and we were not used to being able to run heaters for long periods of time at the old house, it’s scary. We made it through the night while I fell asleep on the floor for about three hours before going to bed. Tonight I find myself listening to the heaters again, it’ll take time I guess.

The cold seems to bring another thing we never expected and that is animals trying to keep warm but doing so underneath the house. My son could hear movement under the floor and was scared of it. So we made the trek to Lowe’s with the thought that it’s possibly an Opossum since it’s what we’ve seen on the cameras. But none of the repellents specifically mention an Opossum. I don’t want to kill it, just get it to move on and not stay. It had to have been here since the previous owner, the grass was so tall that it came up to the windows of the house so any animal would have had a great hiding spot. If they didn’t bring other bugs and diseases and didn’t try to damage the house, I wouldn’t mind but Opossums can be pretty mean and it needs to go elsewhere for our safety. I hope the stuff that we bought works.

We’ve been clearing out more and more by the shed, believe it or not the previous owner had a chicken coup attached to the back of the shed! But to make matters worse, I think they used the woods in that area as their own personal junk yard. We’ve pulled out luggage, pots and pans, a george foreman grill, juicer and popcorn popper and that’s not everything. I don’t know how much chicken fencing we pulled out and something that they call hog fence was there also. It’s never ending with each new spot we start to clear. It just seems like if something broke, they threw it outside and bought a new one while never taking anything to the real dump. My mind is completely blown at this concept of bringing garbage in but not taking the real garbage to the dump. We’ve made a lot of trips to the dump and the man that works there now knows us by name and is helping a lot.

We found a walk behind mower in the brush, it looks new but wouldn’t start up. Today, my son took it apart and cleaned it out. The engine would start to sputter and then drop off. I taught him about the choke and helped him for a bit, we were able to get it to run, not great but run. It stopped running the minute he tried to push it which meant I had to let go of the chose. So tomorrow we’re going to get some carb cleaner and I will show him how to do that. It’s been a long time since I’ve messed with motors but we really cannot afford a new mower and that grass is just going to keep growing. I’ve had to work on a lot of my own cars when I was younger so getting a mower going has the same basics. Fingers crossed that it will work tomorrow and we can use it to mow what we’ve already cleared with the bigger cutter and blade weed cutter.

Is it okay to just wish for something to go right? I put on a good face for everyone but I’m truly worried. There haven’t been any hits on my applications yet and unemployment has only sent one payment since I filed in mid December. I think it might have something to do with the Government shutdown but I’m not sure. Tonight, I just closed out my 401k, there wasn’t a lot in there as I couldn’t afford it but at least there’s some and will help keep us afloat with some groceries but not long.

This cold weather is going to make the electricity bill go up so we might need to go back to electric blankets for a bit, I think they pull less power than a heater does but I’m not sure exactly. I have some points on a coupon app that I use and will turn it into gift cards to buy more groceries if needed and I’m sure they will but it takes a bit longer to process it. I don’t know what else to do, I’ll take any suggestions.

I don’t know how I did it the last time I lost a job back in 2009 when the market dropped out. I looked and found that I actually got more money from unemployment back then but then I did make more money at that job than I did at my recent one. At least it would be something rather than nothing but even so, they’re not sending the payments so it’s still like getting nothing. Hopefully they send back payments because I’ve kept a spreadsheet of all the applications that I’ve done and if they’ve reached out or not. The only one to reach out was just telling me that the position was already filled. It’s not like where I used to live at least that I’m thinking. Back there, I could readily get coupons to shop with and make my money stretch while here, I have to drive 10 miles just to get to the nearest place to buy a paper. No way to coupon where it would make a difference. But also when it comes to jobs, the travel is at the least 30 miles and more one way to anywhere when I apply. It’s not like the jobs are close by like before and the options are less and less. All I can do is apply and pray I guess.

It’s getting late and I’m actually yawning, that’s a good sign. With this I’ll hope that you’re sleeping soundly and that when you read this, you are rested well and having a great day! I wish that for myself so I wish it for you also.

Pink Sky and a Throw Blanket

This morning I stood at the kitchen sink, staring at the tall grass that waved in the wind just past the lights reach. We haven’t been able to cut it down yet and I think some kind of animal has its residence in there.

As I looked at this grass, a little bit of light had just started to peek out of the top of the trees, it was beautiful and has now grown into a lovely shade of pink across the sky. I wouldn’t be able to see this from our old home and it’s very calming. How can I live every morning like this?

These past few weeks with work have been extremely stressful and less and less enjoyable. I love people, don’t get me wrong, but its the people that I work with that are making it unbearable. The customers are fine, they are calling for a service and I completely understand so they get me and how I treat all my customers, with respect and caring. As for those that I “work with” I’ve withdrawn a lot from the communication of it all.

Working from home, you don’t have a co-worker sitting beside you that you can joke with. In the virtual world you have a chat room, however when it’s company owned equipment you are careful with how and what you write in that chat room. So having a friend for a co-worker in the virtual world, you’re  not sure how sincere it is. No facial expressions and watching what you type.

This along with the way that the company is going, I think I’m at the true end of my rope. I’ve always been a fan of great customer service and if you’ve read some of my earlier things then you know it irritates me that it’s less and less important to companies now.

The company that I’m working with is doing the same, it is taking away the value of great customer service and in it’s place putting numbers. How many calls can you take in an hour, how much money do you refund, coupon or credit. How many emails are you working while working on the phone. Then and only then do they look at customer reviews.

This is where it doesn’t add up to me and please tell me if I’m wrong or your opinion on it. How can a “customer service agent” get a good review when trying to quicken the call length in order to take another one and keep their number up? How are they supposed to get a good review when they have to coupon as told by a supervisor to do?

Now I’m just the opposite because I take care of the customer and I do get amazing reviews. It’s judged 1-5 with 5 being the highest score you can get. There are times that I do get a lower review but they will normally notate that it wasn’t anything I did but they gave the rating because of the company. So this entire month while moving, I’ve maintained a rating of 5 from my customer reviews. The other agents haven’t done this, but they might be meeting those numbers of calls taken and emails answered. But the customer doesn’t have a good experience!

I will not return to a company that treats me badly, why do some places not understand this. Does the younger generation not care and still return no matter how their treated? Please tell me because I don’t understand it.

I even offered to train some of the other employees on how to treat people, as stupid as that seems given it should be common sense. But it’s all about the numbers to these people.

Waking up even to work in my own home, I’m not happy anymore with them. I’ve tried everything that I can in order to help them with the service but they don’t care. It’s all money driven and to some point I completely understand that, but at what cost?

There is a show where someone is making a podcast, I’ve never gotten into podcasts as I don’t have much alone time to listen to them, but are they popular? There are many opinions that I have and would love to talk about but I have to find something that still pays the bills. Some say that the lottery would be nice, I wouldn’t want the entire amount but I wouldn’t mind trying with a little of it. Maybe enough to get me started and pay my bills while I work on writing here and learning about and creating a podcast.

My window is larder here in my bedroom, I can see the light of the sun just starting to brighten the tops of the trees. It’s truly a beautiful thing to be able to watch, now I would just like to watch it with a warm cup of coffee, a comfy chair and a throw blanket while sitting outside on a porch that I don’t have (but I really want).

Right now, I would take a lawn chair and cup of coffee, with the throw blanket though, just enough money to know that my bills are paid and food is on the table. That would make me happy.

How Do People Do It?

I feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth lately. Crawling back into my cave and pulling the covers over my head, welcoming the darkness and the mindless sleep. I don’t know what has brought this on for sure but I know it’s been a bit rough lately.

Being able to move seems like it’s getting to be farther away than I had thought. Every time I think I have it right, there is something else that comes up and the dream is taken away from me again. No one helped at all with the gofundme account and I don’t understand what I did wrong. I would never lie and make an account to say that someone is dying, yes we are in a very dangerous area but I would never say anything that wasn’t true. I guess people just think that we’re boring and not enough to help, but I’ve gotten that for years, just from the government when I’ve asked for help after storms or asked if they had any programs that could help to fix up the house. They’ve always told me no, no matter what the situation has been. I’ve had to patch things or learn how to repair things on my own. We’ve gone without things that we really shouldn’t have had to but have had no other choice.

I’m tired, I’m tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. When do I see the payoff for my hard work? Years and I can probably say decades at this point, I’ve been working hard and taking care of people but nothing good has ever come my way in the sense of making it just a bit easier for a little bit. I would still be okay with working hard if I could get us moved to somewhere safer. If my family is safe, it’s all worth it.

May I just feel like I’m being kicked while I’m already down. Learning how to get out of this feeling is not something that I’ve mastered yet. How do people do it?

That Kind of Feeling

I’m feeling a little sad today and I don’t know why just yet. I don’t think I woke up feeling like this, it just seemed to take over. It could be that I have to work today and I would much rather be in bed under the covers. Or maybe it could be that I would much better like to be having my coffee while watching the birds out on the feeders.

It’s almost a feeling of being defeated but I try not to let that enter my world anymore. Hard as it is, I still can try to stay positive about things that are going on. Could it be part of depression seeping back in? This not knowing sometimes makes it worse because I am a curious person and have times that I won’t let something go until I figure it out. This curiosity gets me into further trouble sometimes especially when I’m feeling like this and want to know why.

My dream last night was about school I believe, so that wouldn’t really make me feel sad because I didn’t have a great school experience and it wouldn’t make me miss it at all.

Maybe it’s just from being tired of the struggle each day. I’ve been racking my mind trying to think of anything that I can sell that would be worth anything. I need to make up the money that I need to move. It just seems like we’re so close and yet it’s still so very much out of reach. I don’t have things of value, never have. Be it because of financial reasons or just the way I as raised, the simple things make me happy. Seeing my family happy and safe with food in the refrigerator, that makes me happy.

I work to provide for my family and I’ve never asked for handouts or charity until I put up my gofundme page, but that hasn’t gotten any real activity either so it just shows me that I am not worthy enough to receive help when I ask. So I shouldn’t ask for help anymore and that’s what that has taught me. Maybe that’s what is making me feel sad this morning? I’m always there to help my family when they need me. I don’t have any in real life friends anymore. I have friends on Facebook that I used to know in real life a long time ago. But when my mother passed and I started raising my nephew as my son, everyone in real life seemed to fade into their own life.

So my family will ask for help and as long as it’s something that I can do then I do it. I’ve moved one sister about three times, taken my other nephew into my own home I don’t know how many times. Used my income tax money to get clothing for my nieces children. I give what I can and do what I can when they need me. They were there for me when I asked for help painting the house. I did provide the paint, tools and food but they showed up and that’s what mattered. That was almost two years ago now and I miss having the family almost all together like that.

There are so many things going on in my head this morning that I’m truly not sure which one is making me feel sad. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it? I’ll keep watching the birds outside my window while working and see if it gets any better. It’s overcast outside, maybe if the sun comes up I’ll feel better. Let’s wait and see.

I Want to Give Up

Sometimes, in my thoughts, I feel like giving up on the entire home search. It’s taking so much out of me and making me feel like a complete failure. Is it the same for everyone who tries to buy a different house and keep their family safe? I’m embarrassed a bit but I’ll do whatever it takes for my family. I put myself out on display with a gofundme page but not one single person has even looked at it. How pitiful am I that I don’t even get a look over there? I might just take it down in case someone comments on the fact that it’s untouched by anyone looking.

I don’t have anything to sell except for the house but there are people out there with more money than what I have (of course). These people don’t seem to have to go through what I do and can just purchase a home outright. I’ve been a hard worker all my life and never gotten a break so to say like other people have. Is it because they were born into a family where they were given that open door to a high paying company or just plain born into money. Neither of these situations fit my life, I come from a mom that worked hard her entire life also. A widow at the age of 32 while having seven young children to raise. I watched her learn to drive, write checks and go back to school and work. Hard work is in my blood and what I know. But I’m learning right now that hard work doesn’t always win.

We are at a count of three houses that we’ve signed papers and tried for now. This last one didn’t get away from someone else getting the bid, however. I have a great realtor, don’t misunderstand me as I do not think all realtors are how I feel one is that we’ve come across. When we first started looking, I sent in a request on a website and a realtor emailed me. This realtor was the owner of the company and he took us to see three locations. The minute he stepped out of his truck to meet myself and my sister, we knew he was judging us. He seemed to drop all caring about what he was doing, showing houses. When we asked questions, he would say he didn’t know and would have to get back with us, meaning me. He even took us to a house that the owner didn’t know we were coming! They were very gracious about it but heavens sake, she was making dinner! Then he showed us to another home that was empty and although it wasn’t perfect, it seemed nice. I had questions again that he couldn’t answer. At the end of walking through our third house he finally asked about how I was buying a house (wouldn’t you think he would have asked that first?). I told him and he said that the empty one wouldn’t go through traditional financing but couldn’t or wouldn’t tell us why.

Well, we dropped him like a hot biscuit and didn’t call him back. I got a call from one of his minions a few weeks later saying that they’d keep an eye out for anything new on the market and give us a call. You guessed it, no call from anyone and I’ve been finding them on my own. When I found one that I really wanted to see the inside of, I contacted a different realty company and we found the realtor that I have now. He’s not a 3-piece suit kind of person and I’m thankful for that. He talks about his kids and he asks about mine. He’s gotten to know me and what I would like. That’s what a realtor should do and not judge someone just by what you think they can and cannot afford.

The empty house that wouldn’t take conventional financing came to the attention of my realtor. He asked about it and walked through it with me. I told him what happened with the other realtor as the house was still listed with that company. He said he was dealing with a different person and not the owner (still the same company). The realtor was telling him that they could do owner financing if we wanted the house. I talked it over with my sister as owner financing had never crossed my mind. Since we’re trying to get up there before next school year, I decided to go ahead and do it. So off I went with the paperwork again. Got everything in order and submitted. The next day my realtor comes back and says that the other realtor said the owner wouldn’t do owner financing? Uhm, the realtor from that company is the one that suggested it?

It got me quite angry that they misrepresented the owner that way. I told my realtor not to worry about it but I no longer want this place to be in the running and would prefer never to do any business with that company because this seems shady to me. They’re hiding something. If it were just the one owner that did what he did then I might say it’s a fluke. But when his employees do things like this? This is either rampid through the company or it still is and the owner doesn’t care because they’re part of it. I’m not going to touch anything from them because I can’t trust them. This is a huge purchase for me and the last time in my life that I will move, it has to be right.

I truly feel like my realtor gets the idea of why I’m moving and what I’m looking for. It’s just also feeling like the odds are stacked against me. I’m either not quick enough or I’m not rich enough. I just feel like giving up sometimes but I know I can’t and that stinks. Why can’t someone take care of me for a little bit? I’m tired.

It’s Not Fair

Have you ever bought a new house? Or just new to you? If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I haven’t but I’m trying to. I just want to know why is it so stressful and difficult.

Why are we made to feel less of ourselves when going through to process of finding a home and then qualifying for it? With all the questions that are asked, I feel like they do more than the secret service does. Now I know that’s not true but it just feels like it at times. Who knew that buying a house meant that you had to open up every aspect of your life for someone else’s criticism?

After giving away all of my life secrets (okay, not all), then I’m told that the house is no longer available or that the owner took someone else’s offer. So it starts almost all over again. Having to find another place and hopefully feel the same if not better about the previous one. If I don’t get the one and then end up with another, does that mean I’m settling? I don’t want to settle, I want to be happy and safe, while close to family.

With yesterday being Easter, myself and my family living with me, took the drive to spend the day with my sister. We drove by the street that one of the “potentials” sits on. But I think this one is out of my reach. It’s more expensive, not by much but I think it puts it a little bit out of my grasp. I did make a gofundme page but there has been zero activity on it. I don’t want to put my families picture on it because, well, it’s been so embarrassing as it is with what we’ve been through.

I go back to describing it as a rollercoaster of emotions that just never stops. I am hopeful at times while I hit a horrible low at other times. This cannot be good for my health and I need to figure it out one way or another. Today, hopefully, I will hear back from a lender and see if my hard work has paid off any and if they can help. The last one said we needed more money down but I don’t have it. I’m just trying to save my family and not have my granddaughter grow up where she has to be afraid. Why do people trying to do good things seem to have the hardest time? It just doesn’t feel fair sometimes that I work so hard and yet people in “power” still say I’m not good enough. It’s just not fair.