How Do People Do It?

I feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth lately. Crawling back into my cave and pulling the covers over my head, welcoming the darkness and the mindless sleep. I don’t know what has brought this on for sure but I know it’s been a bit rough lately.

Being able to move seems like it’s getting to be farther away than I had thought. Every time I think I have it right, there is something else that comes up and the dream is taken away from me again. No one helped at all with the gofundme account and I don’t understand what I did wrong. I would never lie and make an account to say that someone is dying, yes we are in a very dangerous area but I would never say anything that wasn’t true. I guess people just think that we’re boring and not enough to help, but I’ve gotten that for years, just from the government when I’ve asked for help after storms or asked if they had any programs that could help to fix up the house. They’ve always told me no, no matter what the situation has been. I’ve had to patch things or learn how to repair things on my own. We’ve gone without things that we really shouldn’t have had to but have had no other choice.

I’m tired, I’m tired of fighting and not getting anywhere. When do I see the payoff for my hard work? Years and I can probably say decades at this point, I’ve been working hard and taking care of people but nothing good has ever come my way in the sense of making it just a bit easier for a little bit. I would still be okay with working hard if I could get us moved to somewhere safer. If my family is safe, it’s all worth it.

May I just feel like I’m being kicked while I’m already down. Learning how to get out of this feeling is not something that I’ve mastered yet. How do people do it?

That Kind of Feeling

I’m feeling a little sad today and I don’t know why just yet. I don’t think I woke up feeling like this, it just seemed to take over. It could be that I have to work today and I would much rather be in bed under the covers. Or maybe it could be that I would much better like to be having my coffee while watching the birds out on the feeders.

It’s almost a feeling of being defeated but I try not to let that enter my world anymore. Hard as it is, I still can try to stay positive about things that are going on. Could it be part of depression seeping back in? This not knowing sometimes makes it worse because I am a curious person and have times that I won’t let something go until I figure it out. This curiosity gets me into further trouble sometimes especially when I’m feeling like this and want to know why.

My dream last night was about school I believe, so that wouldn’t really make me feel sad because I didn’t have a great school experience and it wouldn’t make me miss it at all.

Maybe it’s just from being tired of the struggle each day. I’ve been racking my mind trying to think of anything that I can sell that would be worth anything. I need to make up the money that I need to move. It just seems like we’re so close and yet it’s still so very much out of reach. I don’t have things of value, never have. Be it because of financial reasons or just the way I as raised, the simple things make me happy. Seeing my family happy and safe with food in the refrigerator, that makes me happy.

I work to provide for my family and I’ve never asked for handouts or charity until I put up my gofundme page, but that hasn’t gotten any real activity either so it just shows me that I am not worthy enough to receive help when I ask. So I shouldn’t ask for help anymore and that’s what that has taught me. Maybe that’s what is making me feel sad this morning? I’m always there to help my family when they need me. I don’t have any in real life friends anymore. I have friends on Facebook that I used to know in real life a long time ago. But when my mother passed and I started raising my nephew as my son, everyone in real life seemed to fade into their own life.

So my family will ask for help and as long as it’s something that I can do then I do it. I’ve moved one sister about three times, taken my other nephew into my own home I don’t know how many times. Used my income tax money to get clothing for my nieces children. I give what I can and do what I can when they need me. They were there for me when I asked for help painting the house. I did provide the paint, tools and food but they showed up and that’s what mattered. That was almost two years ago now and I miss having the family almost all together like that.

There are so many things going on in my head this morning that I’m truly not sure which one is making me feel sad. Maybe it’s a combination of all of it? I’ll keep watching the birds outside my window while working and see if it gets any better. It’s overcast outside, maybe if the sun comes up I’ll feel better. Let’s wait and see.

In a Rut!

I think I’m having one of those days where you just don’t enjoy what you do. Not writing in my blog, I love that and truly wish I could make a living at it. I mean the job I do in order to pay the bills. It’s by all means better than my last one as the people at my last one were horrible due to being bought out by a larger company, everyone was fighting to keep their jobs. But I just maybe feel like I’m in a rut with what I’m doing. I work from home so I’m on the computer and phone a lot, which is okay. But there’s no real interaction with coworkers except for a once weekly “chat” with a supervisor which with my schedule, it seems to clash so I end up having maybe two a month instead of four.

I love the company that I work for and it’s complete idea and what it does but I don’t like the particular job that I’m doing. When I came on with the company I told everyone what I like and they told me that it shouldn’t be a problem as a lot of people move around. So I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing that long and should be able to do what I like in no time at all. I currently work the phones and talk to people all day. Don’t get me wrong, I love people and getting to hear the different accents and cultures. But I have always wanted to be non phone and do emails. With emails I would have to chance to do what I love and that is to write.

Sometimes I think it’s because the people on the phones like me so much with how I treat them, that they don’t want to move me. Other times I think it’s because I don’t get the fast times and push as many calls through as the younger employees do. I don’t treat customers like a number or hurding cattle. To me, everyone is the person that they are and I treat them like that. I listen and I respond to what I’m told, just as I would expect to be treated over the phone. I’m constantly told by customers of how rude the last person was or that they didn’t take care of what they needed to do. But it’s these same people that the customers are complaining about that seem to get all the glory.

Why is it that the hard working employees always seem to get the short end of the stick while the employees that half-ass their job get the promotions and the pat on the back? I’ve never understood this concept and maybe it’s because my head isn’t so far up someones butt that I truly see what’s going on?

Call me old-fashioned but I still believe in good customer service, whether you’re buying a soft drink at a convenience store or buying a home, it all comes down to treating the customer with courtesy and respect. I’m not saying that if a customer is rude or treats me bad that I’m going to treat them like royalty, no it works both ways. But, I do have the sense to be able to listen and know when someone is being rude to me or they’re just really upset over what might have just happened to them. I can’t blame them for feeling like I might do the same thing if another employee just treated them like crap. But it just takes simple listening and understanding, which a lot of people seem to be born without.

What options do I have right now? I could change companies but then it’s like starting over from the bottom again and I really like this company. It’s a very young run company though and sometimes the “hip” way to do things really can put off some customers. I see things that could be changed but I’ve learned, specially with my last job, that I should keep my mouth shut because them you’re looked at as a trouble maker and heaven knows that would only make it worse.

I wish I could run my own business of just emailing with people. I don’t know what kind of company that would be, I mean who would hire a company just to do emails for them?  With the blog, I don’t know how people make it proffitable with just writing about things they think of or feel. That would be nice too, to make money from writing here and be able to support my family doing so. I would write everyday then because it’s what I love to do.

But today, I’m in a rut with how I feel. Hopefully the sun will come out and change this mood. Maybe by noon I’ll start to feel better and more positive about the future here. I’ll try positive thoughts and look at the birds outside my window. Wish me luck!

I Want to Succeed!

I’m not sure how I’m feeling this morning, is that weird? Have you ever just felt like you’re feelings are in a sort of limbo? I’m not sad nor happy but neither am I anxious or afraid. This might just be a blah day of sorts.

With all the tensions of trying to move, my anxiety had truly reared its’ head this past month. With a few trips to the doctor, I’m starting to get it under control. I’ve had to stop thinking of moving for a little bit in order to take care of myself but it’s not completely on the back burner. I want it more and more each day but I have to take a little bit and get to feeling better and know that I’m better.

I have an appointment for my cardiologist in a couple of weeks, I was just there the other day and he scheduled me for a test. It’s not a stress test but where they do a sonogram of sorts on your heart and for the life of me I can’t remember the correct name so I dare not say it for fear of putting the wrong name. He said it’s just precaution and that too will help to give my mind something to argue my panic attacks with. As long as insurance pays for it, I’m all in.

I had to let my mammogram appointment go because they were going to charge me. I have two benign tumors that were discovered about 18 years ago I want to say. I do truly forget what year they were found but I remember what I went through. Since then I’m supposed to have them monitored but with the changes in insurance, I haven’t been able to afford what they charge for it. It’s not a normal mammogram, they call it diagnostic so that makes it cost more. I’ll just have to wait and see if I can afford it at another time or if the insurance decides to pay for it.

With all of this health thing being taken care of in order to help me with my attacks, I’ve decided to try and get some walking in. I can’t walk in our neighborhood but I do have an old treadmill in the back room. I put an old tv up on a stand so I can see it and I’m going to try and get some walking in. I haven’t started it up yet but I’m hoping it still works. So far my two cats are excited over the commotion and being allowed in the back room that I use for storage. It’s weird but that room seems to calm me down, that’s weird, right? It used to be used for bedrooms and a dining room when I was growing up. My father had put up a partition wall to make it into two rooms so one was a bedroom for years and when I was old enough (years after he passed), I too used it as a bedroom. I remember at one point using it as my bedroom and the other half as my living room. So now, it just has a calming effect on me and it’s just weird to me that it does that.

I have some more moving around to do before it’s ready but hopefully by tomorrow after work, it will be ready to use. I have high hopes but am nervous about it too. How does someone do these things all by themselves? Do they do it alone so that if they stop then it’s only them that knows? I don’t want to be that person, I want to succeed. Do you hear me Universe? I want to succeed!

Outside Job?

It’s been a little over a week since starting a new medication for how I’m feeling. I’ve only been on my “emergency” medication for a long time and now we’ve added another one in to help with the between emergency times. The first few days were unbelievable, I had energy and the motivation to get things done, I haven’t felt like that in forever. However, I think it’s something that builds up in your system so your body gets used to it because the effect, while still somewhat there, has dimmed a little.

Maybe it’s because I’m used to the feeling now? The heavy, dark feeling isn’t there anymore but the enthusiasm that the medicine gave me at first isn’t quite there either. I wish that feeling would stay longer so that it would become a habit or something. But the few days that I had it were wonderful.

I’m trying to figure out what to do in the other parts of my life. I wonder if working from home is adding to how I feel. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful being able to work from home and it saves on gas and clothing (not that I bought a lot of clothes before). However, being inside all the time with no excuse to go anywhere could be adding to it. We’ve gone for a few walks outside but when I get off of work, it’s dinner time and sometimes already too dark to go walking so we’re stuck in the house or have to take a drive in the car to get out, that’s still not walking though.

I don’t know if getting an outside job would help but then when we finally get to where we can move, I would have to pick up and leave again and then find another job there. I wish I could just quiet my mind from all of these thoughts, that’s the one thing I know would help but how does someone even attempt to do that. There is always something going through my mind, even if it’s planning dinner. Why won’t my brain shut up!

 

Medication

When you start taking a new medication, do you ever wonder if you’ll know when it’s working or not? It might just be my mind doing it’s overthinking but that’s what’s on my mind today.

After seeing my doctor the other day because my panic attacks were getting worse, he gave me a new medication. We’ve always been clear that I want no medications that can be addictive so it’s been a delicate balance of what I can take. But this medication is a “mood enhancer”, I’m to take half a pill for the first six days and then on to a full pill once a day. Today is my third day taking the half pill and I feel the same as before. With taking just a half pill at first, I’m thinking it’s one that has to build up in your system before you feel anything?

I don’t know what it would be like anymore to feel happy for a day. Have you ever seen the commercial where people walk around frowning but put a smiley face in front of them? That is actually how it can feel sometimes like you’re being fake to the people around you. You feel one day but you let the complete opposite show on your face! It’s completely what I do sometimes.

I remember being younger and driving in my truck with the windows down and music turned up. Singing to the songs and not truly worrying about anything. Yes, I still had things to worry about but I was able to, for that moment, let them go and relax before having to tune back into life. I think I’ve forgotten how to do that, I don’t know how to put things on hold or pause in order to relax and recharge. My mind is always at a constant 100 mph but with all the negative things that are happening. If my mind would put the positive things in there then I think it would balance out but it’s very stubborn.

Maybe this medicine will be a bridge for me to learn how to relax again. Maybe I can start to see the good things happening around me again. I love my family and they are my guiding light in this world. A hug from my granddaughter makes me feel like I can do anything, at least in her eyes.  The birds that come up to the window sill just to taunt my cats. These are the fun and positive things that should be swirling in my head, not the condition of the house, not when I’ll have another attack and not worrying about when the next gunshot will go off and where we’ll be when it happens. I need to learn how to change my brain. Are you out there Universe? Can you help me change?

I Want to Give Up

Sometimes, in my thoughts, I feel like giving up on the entire home search. It’s taking so much out of me and making me feel like a complete failure. Is it the same for everyone who tries to buy a different house and keep their family safe? I’m embarrassed a bit but I’ll do whatever it takes for my family. I put myself out on display with a gofundme page but not one single person has even looked at it. How pitiful am I that I don’t even get a look over there? I might just take it down in case someone comments on the fact that it’s untouched by anyone looking.

I don’t have anything to sell except for the house but there are people out there with more money than what I have (of course). These people don’t seem to have to go through what I do and can just purchase a home outright. I’ve been a hard worker all my life and never gotten a break so to say like other people have. Is it because they were born into a family where they were given that open door to a high paying company or just plain born into money. Neither of these situations fit my life, I come from a mom that worked hard her entire life also. A widow at the age of 32 while having seven young children to raise. I watched her learn to drive, write checks and go back to school and work. Hard work is in my blood and what I know. But I’m learning right now that hard work doesn’t always win.

We are at a count of three houses that we’ve signed papers and tried for now. This last one didn’t get away from someone else getting the bid, however. I have a great realtor, don’t misunderstand me as I do not think all realtors are how I feel one is that we’ve come across. When we first started looking, I sent in a request on a website and a realtor emailed me. This realtor was the owner of the company and he took us to see three locations. The minute he stepped out of his truck to meet myself and my sister, we knew he was judging us. He seemed to drop all caring about what he was doing, showing houses. When we asked questions, he would say he didn’t know and would have to get back with us, meaning me. He even took us to a house that the owner didn’t know we were coming! They were very gracious about it but heavens sake, she was making dinner! Then he showed us to another home that was empty and although it wasn’t perfect, it seemed nice. I had questions again that he couldn’t answer. At the end of walking through our third house he finally asked about how I was buying a house (wouldn’t you think he would have asked that first?). I told him and he said that the empty one wouldn’t go through traditional financing but couldn’t or wouldn’t tell us why.

Well, we dropped him like a hot biscuit and didn’t call him back. I got a call from one of his minions a few weeks later saying that they’d keep an eye out for anything new on the market and give us a call. You guessed it, no call from anyone and I’ve been finding them on my own. When I found one that I really wanted to see the inside of, I contacted a different realty company and we found the realtor that I have now. He’s not a 3-piece suit kind of person and I’m thankful for that. He talks about his kids and he asks about mine. He’s gotten to know me and what I would like. That’s what a realtor should do and not judge someone just by what you think they can and cannot afford.

The empty house that wouldn’t take conventional financing came to the attention of my realtor. He asked about it and walked through it with me. I told him what happened with the other realtor as the house was still listed with that company. He said he was dealing with a different person and not the owner (still the same company). The realtor was telling him that they could do owner financing if we wanted the house. I talked it over with my sister as owner financing had never crossed my mind. Since we’re trying to get up there before next school year, I decided to go ahead and do it. So off I went with the paperwork again. Got everything in order and submitted. The next day my realtor comes back and says that the other realtor said the owner wouldn’t do owner financing? Uhm, the realtor from that company is the one that suggested it?

It got me quite angry that they misrepresented the owner that way. I told my realtor not to worry about it but I no longer want this place to be in the running and would prefer never to do any business with that company because this seems shady to me. They’re hiding something. If it were just the one owner that did what he did then I might say it’s a fluke. But when his employees do things like this? This is either rampid through the company or it still is and the owner doesn’t care because they’re part of it. I’m not going to touch anything from them because I can’t trust them. This is a huge purchase for me and the last time in my life that I will move, it has to be right.

I truly feel like my realtor gets the idea of why I’m moving and what I’m looking for. It’s just also feeling like the odds are stacked against me. I’m either not quick enough or I’m not rich enough. I just feel like giving up sometimes but I know I can’t and that stinks. Why can’t someone take care of me for a little bit? I’m tired.

El Día de los Muertos

Today is my mothers birthday. I will never forget it and I never did before because it’s so close to my own. Maybe that’s why we were the closest in the family, I don’t know. But now it’s a day of remembrance instead of celebration. How do we make the change back to celebration?

El Día de Los Muertos is a day that I have grown to respect and think of a lot. Why is it that we do not celebrate the lives that we were blessed to have in our own. Sometimes I can be sitting at my desk and suddenly have the strong odor of cigarettes surrounding me. No one in my current family smokes and I can’t tell you when the last time a cigarette was in the house but my Father smoked when I was younger. There are also times that I can smell my mothers’ illness. For anyone that taken care of someone that is ill, they know that the person has a fragrance that comes over them. It’s not a normal smell but it’s not horrible either, it’s just what we realize is their illness. When it happens, it’s comforting to me for some reason while the smell of cigarette smoke just kind of freaks me out. I was seven when my Father past so I don’t have many memories of him, just like remembered feelings, it’s weird I know.

Today I find sadness coming over me and I don’t want it to. My mother would not want me to be sad for her. She is out of pain and hopefully with family. I want to remember and celebrate her for the amazingly strong woman that she was while here on this earth. If I am ever a quarter of who she was here, I would have accomplished amazing things in life. Not that she had material things but that she didn’t care about them and gave all she had to anyone in need, especially children. Yes, anyone with seven children would have to have a soft spot for them.  It’s all she said she ever wanted in life was to have children. Then when her own children grew up, she started to care for other children and they were blessed to have experienced her.

This is what I want to celebrate, life! Her life meant so much to others and all she gave was all she had. We experienced so much with literally nothing but we never knew any different. Sure when we got a bit older, we would want things, but we learned that if you want something then it is not needed and you need to work if you want it. I still to this day know the difference between need an want and am teaching that to my granddaughter. Is that the celebration of her life? Am I celebrating each day instead by passing down what she taught me?  Or would I be honoring her by doing this? Are they one and the same or different, I don’t know and I’m confused now.

I can’t visit her final resting as it’s over 1,000 miles away so I cannot do as they do for El Día de Los Muertos exactly. So how would I do something like that here? I truly think I’m on the right path with this though, just have to figure it out.

Weather is Just Like Family

The wind is howling this morning, I had hopes that the cold weather was on it’s way out. The clouds are covering the sunshine so it has the look of dusk instead of dawn outside. If the rain stays away, it would be easier to handle because the rain just seems to make it colder for some reason.

I guess the bit of warmth that we had was just a teaser for the upcoming summer, like a movie teaser before it’s released.  We haven’t moved yet and so it’s going to get cold again in the house too. There is plastic up on the windows but the back half of the house doesn’t seem to care and it feels like it lets in more cold than the front. Granted, we use the back half mostly for storage but it’s still connected.

We used to use the back half of the house when the family would come down to visit. Cookouts or birthday parties, one time we even got together just to cut down a tree in the yard. As crazy as that sounds, it was still fun as a family. The last time most of us got together was to paint the house, I definitely needed help and most everyone was talking to each other then. It was fun, we put out the canopy and brought out the grill while my brother-in-law had a reason to buy a new paint gun to play with. One niece brought her husband and another nephew came that I hardly get to see anymore. We worked together, laughed and talked while the kids and grandkids played together.

I miss that feeling of having everyone around, the comfort of it. Just like I miss the warmth of summer on my face, the comfort of it. So very similar in the way it feels but two very different things to someone else looking in.

The wind blowing outside is the same feeling of everyone drifting apart. You feel it first with a slight breeze and then it picks up and you know the cold is close behind. The difference with weather and relationships is that you know eventually the weather will pass but relationships rely on the people involved and there are some pretty stubborn people in my family.

Even with myself, sometimes I have to think things over before letting go but I know it’s worth it in the end. When I was younger I missed out on a lot of time with people because of being so pigheaded. But experiencing what I have since and the loss that I have gone through, I know that nothing is worth it so much that you miss out.

I know that the sun will come back out for me and the weather will warm up again, it’s just what we have to get through. My only wish is that some relationships would do the same thing. That this is just the time that we have to get through and they too will warm up again.

When we move, I dream of having everyone over and having a cookout again but with everyone. It bothers me to think that someone would miss out and not come just because someone else is there and it’s all family. That hurts me more than any winter cold would touch my skin. I just pray for it to warm up, everywhere.

You Do Not Know How I Feel!

I’ve never understood when someone says to me that they know how I feel or they know what I’ve been through. Do they really? I think this is something that people say just because it’s like “have a nice day”, it’s a form of manners that we just spew out of our mouths without really thinking of what it means.

No one in this entire world knows how I feel or what I’ve truly been through, not even family. My family has no clue about what I’ve been through and none of them really ask about it either. I have my theories about why they don’t ask and I think the one I believe the most is that they don’t want to know. Whether it’s from just plain not interested or not wanting to know a lot of the painful things I’ve had to go through. So they can’t stand in front of me and tell me honestly that they know how I feel.

It drives me nuts when having a conversion with someone and it’s of a more personal level and they say it. If it’s weather or something generic, then yes, by all means, spout that out as much as you want. But when it’s more of an experience or something to that effect, no one truly knows what the other went through or how their perception of it was. Our perceptions are what I think, form our feelings of things and when we all have our own perception then we all have our own feelings about things and cannot understand another person and how they went through something similar. Confusing? I’m truly sorry but it just is something that truly boggles my mind.

In my case, no one in my family has been through what I have nor to the extent of what I have been through. Even though I have a lot of siblings, I was the one to stay home and help my mother and take care of her as her health changed over the years. By my own admittance, yes, I had the closest relationship with my mother but that I think is because we went through so much together. We used to joke and she’d let me say that I raised her. We had a relationship more like sisters most times than that of mother and daughter.

But the things that I experienced and the pain that came with that, no one understands. The guilt that I carry of decisions that had to be made and I had to make them alone. The things that happened and I tried to talk about while they all changed the subject. These things are inside of me and I feel them every single day. I can honestly say that not a day goes by, even after all these years, that I don’t feel her or think of her. I feel both comfort and pain in these daily thoughts but they have become a part of life for me.

In the beginning, I would cry at the drop of a hat or get really angry until anger became my personality to others. What they didn’t see were all the things I had on my shoulders that I had to get done and no time to feel what I needed to feel. When it’s bottled up like that and you go into what I call “robot mode” you do the best you can to get things done. Doctors appointments, medications, aftercare, remembering who to call and when and what for. These are just the beginning stages, down the road, the decisions became harder and harder and I was still on my own to make them.

Breaking down was not an option for me and on the rare occasion that I did, I did it alone. I still to this day have never shared what I went through nor has anyone asked. Back in 2010, I started having panic attacks and I sat through 8 sessions of therapy. I think it could have helped a little if I were allowed more than that. The outcome, however, I was told was because I never took the time to grieve. Who has time when I had even more things to do that I had never done before?

One person, I did have on my side was my attorney. He was an older gentleman that I had met a few years earlier when he helped me with something small. I was his last case this time before he retired. He reminded me of Andy Griffith in Matlock but just a touch sweeter. He always kept telling me to look after myself and even though I took care of everyone else, I appreciated that he thought of me. He walked me through the steps of probate and even helped me cope with the state telling me they wanted the house or wanted me to pay them back for my mothers’ dialysis treatments.

I had never sued anyone at this point but I took on a lawsuit with the state and we won. It blew my mind that they wanted the house or they wanted $76,000 for what she had worked and paid into the system for. The hatred and anger inside of me just seemed to grow at that point because I experienced first hand the nastiness of humankind. But he still stood beside me and showed me that not everyone is that way.  I’ve since seen both and still do today, the good and the bad, but I have learned not to let them into my heart as I don’t have room for that anger anymore in there.

I still have a lot to get done each day and my plate still overflows. Sometimes that feeling of being on the verge of tears and throwing up all at the same time still overwhelms me. But I don’t fear it as much as I did before, it’s become a familiar part of my life. One step at a time and it passes so that I can finish what I need to and attempt others that I just can’t seem to get done.

So when someone tells me that they know how I feel, it really ticks me off. You don’t know how I feel. Even if I tell you how I feel, there are no words descriptive enough to instil the same feeling into you, so no, you do not know how I feel. I just want to tell them to stop saying it but that that would tick them off and like I need more anger in my life. I guess the circle will just keep going round and round.