Silent Universe

How can a large family have different roles and the younger siblings seem to have the most common sense responsibilities? One would think that the older children would be the ones to take on the roles of keeping the family together once the parents have passed on. It seems my family is just thrown all out of wack because the older siblings don’t seem to know that they need to step up.

At a young age, I knew that I was going to be the one to care for her when she was ill. This never bothered me because to me, this was a blessing in hindsight. The opportunity of getting to know her as my friend came with the responsibility of being there for her.  While my older siblings left the house, got married and had kids of their own, I was home with my mother trying to help the two of us survive.

Since my mother passed, the older siblings just seemed to keep on doing their own thing. We’ve recently moved this past six months and that has made it easier for me to see two of my sisters but only one comes over to us. The other sister, well, I just don’t understand what’s going on because I’ve asked her to come over and it just doesn’t happen. My older brother suffers from depression as I do but he doesn’t seem to have it under control. I’ve tried to reach out to him but he refuses to answer me back. He seems to have contact with my younger brother but that is it.

My older brother makes really good money, more than double what I used to make before. But with his depression, he misses a lot of work so it’s my understanding that he lost where he was staying. My older sisters know this and yet I’ve not seen nor heard one of them offer him to come into their home. I’ve tried to contact him to see if he truly has nowhere to stay but I don’t know where he is or what his situation is because he refuses to answer me.

I do still have to live every day and provide for my immediate family but I could at least offer him a roof to be under if he needed. He would have to go to work because I’m not truly making the bills as it is so with one more mouth to feed and electricity to pay for, that could truly break the bank. I just don’t know what to do.

It seems that the most trying times in my life have always been things that I’ve had to experience alone. The responsibilities of paperwork while my mother was in the hospital and the time of her passing. The lawyers afterwards and the fighting to save the house when the state wanted to take it. My surgery after loss of blood, having them ask if anyone was waiting for me truly hurt when I had to say no. No one was concerned enough to be there when I came out of surgery.

Trying to get through to my older brother is something that again I seem to be doing on my own. I don’t know the area well enough to drive around and find him so I’m not sure how this is going to turn out but we’re not getting any younger. It just boggles my mind though that my other older siblings don’t seem bothered or willing to stop their lives for just a moment to reach out to him.

I wish I knew someone that had gone through this and could give me some advice. I have no idea how to figure this out and could sure use someone to talk to.

Guess it’s just me and the silent universe again tonight.

Keep Looking and Pray

I’m truly worried, to the point that I cannot sleep at night. Next month I have enough to make the car payment but that is it. I have to pay the car because without a car, I cannot go to job interviews. I’m scared of what’s going to happen because I’ve never been this far into unemployment.

It’s not for a lack of trying because my full time job right now is looking for a job. I’ve had three interviews but so far nothing has come from them. I will be reaching out to one of them tomorrow as it’s been a week and they said to call them. But really, if you have to call them, are they really considering you?

A job is a job and I’ve put in for a lot of things so that I can get working. Companies have no personal contact with applicants anymore and have no idea who is on the other side. I received a decline email from Aldi! I put in for a cashier position so that I can work and they said no. No, I haven’t worked retail in some years but heavens sake, what does that mean when you can’t even get a cashier position to say yes? My son says that he thinks they assume I’ve over qualified and that’s why they rejected me. But in the same thoughts, other jobs that are in my field, want a degree. Companies want to pay someone $10 and hour but require them to have a degree, it makes no sense.

It makes me wonder if I would be having better luck had we not moved. Is this happening because we moved out into the “country”? No matter where I work, if it’s not a work from home then I’m going to be driving upwards of 30 miles one way to work. It’s completely fine with me but I wonder if that plays into their decision making also.

Insurance companies keep reaching out to me but I have never applied to them. They want you to get your license and then sell for them but I can’t afford that. I truly have no interest in insurance but I’ll do whatever job I’m offered, I just can’t afford to pay to get a job. What else do I need to do?

Applying for jobs today is completely different from when I entered the workforce. Everything is on the computer and about 95% of the time, employers do not respond to your application with a no if they decide not to hire you. So with this empty void of not knowing, you keep going with the blind search on the computer. Companies do not see you as a person anymore, not at first. It used to be that you could present yourself to the company when you went in to fill out the application. This gave you a chance to get a feel for the company while they were able to start their opinion about you, it was a personal experience. Getting a job has nothing to do with the person that you are now, it’s about the person you are on paper.

I’ve been trying to think of things that I can make in order to sell but I can’t think of anything that anyone would want to buy. My best asset is how I relate to people and help them know that they’re appreciated and valued. Customers feel like cattle in today’s world, tag ’em, milk ’em and move ’em. This could be why so many companies are going out of business. If a customer is going to be treated like a blank dollar sign in person then why not just purchase online? The brick and mortar company doesn’t invest in the customer in the sense they need to in order to keep the physical door open. It’s sad but it’s been heading that direction for a long time now and unfortunately I’m on the end of paying  a price for it.

What does the future hold for us? The house is paid for but without electricity out here, it’s really dark and the water doesn’t come out of the well. My brain goes to a worse case scenario with all of what could happen. I’m applying for everything, no matter what it is. I can always keep looking while I have something else but if a grocery store won’t hire me, what the heck?

I’m relying on my faith and if you’ve been reading my blog then you know even that has been tested a few times. I still believe in the power of prayer but I don’t know if that revolves around the power of the mind or not. It gives me a little comfort at least but I don’t know how I’ll have comfort next month when the money is truly gone. I have $423.17 in the bank and that is it. I’ve made it stretch for six months and I cannot stretch it any further. What am I going to do?

Keep looking and pray.

Paperwork Has Been Sent

The living room is quiet tonight as I’m the only one awake right now. Today I sent over the paperwork that agrees to sell the house, it’s not closing but it’s the next best thing so far. I don’t know how I feel, maybe numb.

I’ve let the family know that the house is sold and I’m not sure that they truly thought I was truly going to do it. I asked if anyone would like to see the house before we move out and so far, only one sister has said yes.  I know that they might not have the same feelings for it that I do since they moved out a long time ago, but I just don’t understand how they couldn’t remember the memories.

We’ve set the moving time as October 1 – 5th so we have a month to get everything worked out and packed. We don’t have much so there’s not much to pack and as far as the appliances, well, they’re really not good enough to take with us. We have a freezer chest that we’ll take but I can’t think of anything else. Everything else is in boxes, we truly don’t have much.

The quantity of what we have is our family and the memories we share together. We’re clearing part of the land where we’re moving to and there’s going to be a “burn pile” for what we’re taking down. We were talking about taking hot dogs to make the most of it and there we are making more memories.

I’m still sad and nervous but I know it will be the best move for my granddaughter, she will thrive in a different place. Why can’t it just be easier to do, it’s taken so long and hurt so much along the way. So many times I thought we were getting close to this and now it really looks like it’s happening, I mean how can we back up from selling the house?

Tomorrow I will probably get an email response from sending in the paperwork and I don’t think I’m scared about getting it. Am I starting to be okay with it? Is this what it feels like? Am I turning my back on what this house means to me by feeling this way?  I think that is what I worry about, I wish I would have a dream or something and have the chance to ask my mother how she would feel about this.

I guess it’s still a one day at a time thing for now but still make sure to be packed. I am nervous about the move but so far that’s it right now….that could change tomorrow.

Swamp Grass and Sucker Frogs

We’re actually down to the point of signing paperwork for selling our house. Once I send in the paperwork tomorrow, there’s no turning back. I’m scared out of my mind that it’s actually happening but I know it’s the right thing to do.

Yesterday we took the long drive to go out to the new house, the yard is in need of some TLC and so we decided to try and get as much as we could done.  We had a lawnmower, two weed eaters (one with a metal blade), a chainsaw and rakes. We used all but the chainsaw and were only able to get most of the front yard done. I don’t think I’ve ever seen grass so tall and strong before, we googled it and I think it’s called swamp grass.

I was surprised we didn’t see any snakes all day long but there were some wasps, spiders and yuck…frogs.  I’m told that these frogs are all over the place there and they make me shiver! They have little suction cups on their feet and can jump and stick to everything…ooh, I get creeped out just typing that.

We found an old little manmade pond, super tiny with a little plastic liner that someone had placed there. Well, we cleared the grass and there are actually gold fish in it and thriving! I wasn’t wanting it at first because my first thought with standing water is mosquitos but I would think the fish would eat anything like that, right?

My birds are all filled around the feeders outside my window, I guess I will have to find new birds and they will have to find new feeders. It’ll take a while to get them set up again and I miss them already. We’re going to have access again to it next week so I’m going to go up and try to start cleaning the inside. I just can’t move in without cleaning, no way. So we’re at 5 weeks and counting, I have to get through this.

The house is in the middle of the woods, some say forest so I do have to buy a shotgun for a wayward animals that might endanger our family. It’s an entirely different way of living for me and I can’t say that I’m not nervous. But I am looking forward to being able to play outside in the yard with my granddaughter and her cousins. Having a garden and fruit trees. Being able to call my sister and ask her to have lunch and know that it’s only a 10 minute difference and not a two hour difference.

The price I’m paying feels very high with it being the selling of the family house that I grew up in but I know others that have done it and survived. I do think my current neighbors are upset with me as they haven’t spoken to me since I let them know that it was finally happening. I don’t think they actually believed it would happen. That makes me sad as they are beautiful people.

So as many sad feelings that I have, I hope to have just as many if not more happy ones in our future. Fingers crossed.

A Stranger in My House

Yesterday was the day for a stranger to come into my house and look it over. I was terrified so my sister came down to be with me. She brought her grandson so that gave my granddaughter someone to play with and to completely mess up her room before they got here, of course, but it was okay.

I was so nervous that I truly thought I was going to cry and that getting through it just wasn’t possible. The woman that I’ve been emailing with for eight months arrived in one car and then she had her associate pull up in another car. Right away they phones came out and they were taking pictures. I couldn’t have asked for nicer people but I had to allow them to come in. If you’re read my previous posts, you know this is not something that I do.

They came in and I introduced them to my son and my sister, then it was time to look around. They took more pictures, knocked on walls and asked questions about what was what and how many exact rooms there were. I was honest and they know about the leak in the roof, I truly think it’s where the previous owners closed in the back room but I’m not a roofer so I don’t know for sure.

They seemed like they were pleased with it, my sister even thought so too. However, my neighbor hasn’t said anything to me since I let her know that we would probably move within two months or so if nothing went wrong. I don’t know if it’s just because we haven’t run into each other or if she’s avoiding me.

There was no way to avoid the two strange cars parked in the road yesterday as they didn’t pull into the yard. One parked between my house and my direct neighbor while the other parked across the street in front of that neighbors house. I could just think of what they were thinking. The people across the street don’t truly have personal conversation with us like our direct neighbors but we grew up with them and they too, took over the house after the passing of their mother.

So if the neighbors across the street didn’t realize the car was out there and what they were doing, then I guess a big moving van will do the trick. I wonder what they’ll say.

But, I’ve sent the contract off to a friend that studied law, just to be sure before signing it. Having them in the house, even with having to tell them all it’s flaws, wasn’t as bad a feeling as I thought it would be. I didn’t cry or have a panic attack but I don’t honestly remember if I took my medicine before it or not. I think having my sister here helped a lot.

The woman gave me a few more papers to look at when she left and she had to take them out of her car so I’m sure if they had ended up not being interested then she wouldn’t have given them to me.

I think it’s starting to sink in now and I just want it over and done with, guess anyone that’s moved would have said that too.

Circus?

The day after tomorrow, I will invite a stranger into my house. I can’t say a complete stranger as we’ve been corresponding by email for what we figure is eight months now. That’s been how long she’s wanted to buy my house. It’s been a long and nervous road for me as you might remember from previous posts, but we’ve come to the final stretch I think, or at least around the corner from it.

I think having the right smell when she walks in is important, so I bought a roast to put in the crock pot and will start it that morning. Is that crazy? But doesn’t the smell of a hearty meal cooking make you just think of home? I’m thinking that would help set the tone as a good one. Is this wrong?

Cleaning has been the agenda for the past few days, we keep pretty clean but you never realize how much you accumulate over the years. Then when you move things that you have, you realize just how long it’s been since you cleaned under or around it. We have thrown out so much stuff, I had no idea we had all of that. However the local junk man and a few others have been really happy as I’ve seen things just be taken out of the trash by people.

It’s going to be a tight timeline and I keep running it through my head just hoping that it’s all going to work out. I’m so nervous about it all that it’s making my physically ill. The other day, I had a panic attack unlike I’ve had in a long time. It then proceeded to start again the next morning and I had to take more medicine, I felt like a walking zombie with it and I didn’t like it at all. But I was able to get through work, zombie and all so that worked out for the best I guess.

Today is another long day of work but tomorrow being Tuesday, will be the day to focus on my room and put the finishing touches as best I can on the rest of the house. Of course we have to figure out how to show her my room when we plan on having my two diva cats in there while she’s here. Not even my sister gets to pet them because they are not too friendly with people they don’t know. With living so far away from family, my cats don’t know my family except for my son and granddaughter so they don’t pet them when they visit either.

I just hope that Wednesday isn’t a circus, I do hope she has a nice visit and I hope she’s as friendly in person as she seems in her emails and on the phone. But then again I hope she doesn’t stay too long either, I’m not sure how my nerves are going to hold up. I know I’m going to cry and I’ve already warned my sister, she’s going to come down and be with me for this.

Could I ask for a few friendly thoughts to help get through this week? You don’t have to post or comment, just in your thoughts would be nice and I’d really appreciate it.

I’m Losing Home

We have a contract from someone that wants to buy the house. It’s a company that flips houses but at least it’s a contract. Wednesday is the day that she (who I’ve been talking to) will come out to take a look at the house and I am so afraid of this. I don’t like being judged and I never bring anyone home or ask them over to my home because of the way that it looks. It’s clean but worn and some people just don’t understand that.

I remember being a child and my elementary school was just down the street so I would walk to school while my mother stood in the road watching me in the morning and again in the afternoon when I walked home. One time, I don’t remember what grade, we had a field trip down to the local park, the class was walking and not taking a bus or anything. This walk meant it would go right by my house and I thought I would die. I remember playing sick that day so that I didn’t have to walk and tell everyone where I lived. But I did peak out the window as they walked by and some of them did point over. I was so embarrassed that anyone knew where I lived. That sounds horrible I know but you have to understand that I went through some horrible bullying in school and back then, there wasn’t such a thing as being bullied. Today bully is a bad word, back then they shrugged it off and said to let the parents deal with it. But my mother had so much already on her shoulders that I would never have put more on her.

So I can honestly say that I can count on one hand just how many people have come to my house for me, knowing me, and that doesn’t even fill up the one hand. Maybe this will let you know a bit of why my anxiety level is exploding with the thought of a stranger coming in to tell me just how much it is or isn’t worth. I know how much it’s worth to me,  but that’s because I know what it’s been through and how it’s protected us. I know the love that has been held within these walls and the pain that it’s comforted. This house, though falling apart in some areas, is a house of love and strength and family. I’m so afraid of someone saying that it’s junk or something like that.

They’re going to refurbish it when they take it over and I know that. I don’t think I would ever come back to look at it though because I wouldn’t be able to come inside and feel home again. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me, I’m losing home. Will the next place have as much love and strength? How can I do that without what my mother built? I feel her here and I think sometimes that is what gets me through. Will that feeling go with me? I’m afraid.

I truly wish that someone was here that would tell me the right thing to do and just hold my hand through the entire process. But even though I have a sister that is truly there to help me, I don’t think she can get me through what I’m feeling.

Nervous

I don’t want to jinx us but I think it’s going to happen. I think we’re going to be able to move. Would I sound horrible if I said I was scared? We’ve been working on this for so long and now it’s at my fingertips and I’m freaking out!

This is actually a home that my older brother is living in right now. He is recently divorced and was given it in the settlement. It’s too much house for him and too far from work. When he was married, they moved there for the same reasons that I’m looking for, a place for children and a good school for them to go to, also being closer to family (down the road).

The house is a bit more “in the woods” than I would prefer but I know it’s growing up and there should be more houses out there in the coming years. But as of right now, you could truly stand buck naked in the front yard and not a soul would know (except for who’s with you).

It’s going to take a bit of work as he’s suffered from depression since the divorce and let things go that needed taking care of. My brother in law said it’s all simple stuff that he knows how to do and will show my son, so not to worry. He currently has three dogs, a German Sheppard and two Chihuahuas. However, he lets them outside and they have fleas. One of my cats is allergic to fleas and well, I just don’t want them anyway. So we have a lot of work to do before we can move in, that is after the finance part comes through.

We have to bug bomb first to get the fleas out and then clean as there is a bit of dog fir and I don’t want to freak out my older cats either, I’m worried about them taking the long trip as it is. We will have to get a dog because of being out in the woods, but we would start with a puppy so that it can grow up with my granddaughter and protect her. Also, even though my cats are divas, I’m hoping a puppy would be easier to integrate into the household.

The yard is hugely overgrown as it’s only been him and he said the lawnmower is broken. But my son loves to do yard work so to him, this would be like discovering Pandoras Box.  My brother said that he has a peach tree in the back yard so I’m hoping to add more fruit trees once we have it cleared. It’s unthinkable that we could have a yard that we can walk about in and have a cookout with people over. I’ve not been able to do that in years.

I don’t want to get my hopes up too early but if it goes through, it shouldn’t be two months before we can move. It’s going to be a lot of work but I know it will be worth it, even if just for my granddaughter.

Praying So Hard

Oh my goodness! I am in shock today and I don’t know how long it takes to wear off. We are buying a house. It turns out that my older brother is selling his house and moving closer to work so we are going to buy his house and land from him. It never dawned on me that he wanted to move and it just came up in conversation.

The school zone is right where we were looking to be albeit a bit more in the woods than I was hoping but it’s growing up out there so I don’t think it will be so alone for that much longer. It’s a huge difference in the convenience of shopping and entertainment but we really don’t do movie theaters or sit down dinners outside of the house anyway. We do eat some drive throughs to bring home but that will stop and I don’t mind that either, nor will my waistline.

But I was just praying not to have to go through another cold and freezing winter in this house again and then it happened. I think we were deterred from the other houses just for this to happen. There is a lot of work that needs to be done, he kind of let it go after the divorce so it’s been him and his three dogs (you have to have a dog out there and I think a gun too). But once we get it all set, there will be plenty of room for my granddaughter to play. I can’t believe we can actually get a swing set! I wonder, is six years old too old for a swing set? Just the thought of her being able to play outside makes me get emotional.

He said that they do get wild animals and that is why you have to have a dog out there. My two sisters live just 15 minutes down the road so I know I would see them way more than I do now. Even though they will visit and we will visit, it’s a huge difference than where we are now. No loud booming cars driving down the road at 2 am. They have gunshots but that’s from people hunting so I’ll have to get used to not hearing deliberate shooting at other people. As it is now, I sit and watch out my bedroom window while working. I watch each and ever person that walks or drives down the street because I just don’t trust anyone. Our house was burglarized during the day so it’s completely believable that it can still happen again. Not being in fear of a drive-by will be something to get used to but then I’ll have to get used to looking for animals too.

I kept saying I wasn’t going to get a dog but I think it’s necessity out there. We would definitely have to start with a puppy so that they grow up my with granddaughter. My brother right now has a German Sheppard who I thought was going to tear through the door when we got there and then he has to “ankle biters” that were super cute. My sister that lives near by there, she has a mix that she adopted from the shelter, part bloodhound and part ridgeback and she’s adorable. I think we’ll end up going to the same shelter that they did.

This sister has truly been amazing to me and my family. She’s been there through my panic attacks and they have dropped what they’re doing (even called into work) when I went into the hospital a few years ago, just to be there. She’s been with me every step of the house hunt and even gone to check out property up there if I asked. They’re now offering to help us with the clean up so that we can move in faster, I just don’t know what I would do without the two of them (she and her husband).

I’m just praying and keeping good thoughts that this is going to work out and is exactly what we need to do. I’m scared to death but I’m excited also. I’m praying so hard that this is what we need.

What Do I Do?

Have you ever rented a house? I’ve rented an apartment but never an entire house. It’s going through my mind to do this while waiting to buy a house. We’re half-way through summer and I just don’t know if I can face another winter being so cold.

The air conditioner in my window has started to leak down the wall so I can’t use it any longer. I keep a floor fan up on a dresser at night and either sleep with just a sheet for a cover or no cover at all. I just wonder if we could do it, the cost of rent and utilities all together. I wouldn’t want to take away from anything that we would put towards a purchase.

There are a couple of rental houses that say “rent to own” but I have no idea how that works and it scares me because of the news. I’ve seen news stories where people are rented homes that the person doesn’t own. But then again, I know how to look up the owners name on a property so I should do my homework and it should be okay. Just the rent to own, I’m not sure how that works and need to find someone that can give me true information.

If we rented while waiting, we could get my granddaughter into a brick and mortar school in the area we’re looking and be closer to family. I’m scared of the whole process though and not sure what to do. Sometimes being an adult is not all it’s cut out to be, making these decisions on my own when they affect others is not fun at all.

I need a magic genie or a guru that knows all and can tell me what I need to do so that my family is headed in the right direction. If I make a mistake, they won’t give me back this house and give me a do-over.

Maybe I should just set up appointments to look at the houses and go from there first? Oh my goodness, it makes my stomach flutter just to be thinking about it. Do you have any advice that you’d like to give? Have you done this before? Just the thought of another cold winter is breaking my heart. My granddaughter should be able to play and grow like a normal child and not like a shut-in like we have to here. So many pros and cons, maybe I should write them down and physically look at them?

What do I do?