Stepping

Waves of confidence come and go with the object of moving. I have to fix things on my credit report but as I get ready to take on some of it, it looks worse than it did before and I have no idea why? I’ve already taken care of one thing and when I did that, it looked like it had been but now I went back to see where my attention needs to be on the next one, it’s almost like something is on there twice. Maybe if I wait a day, it could have been in transition?

I know the one thing that I got straightened out will take a while to reflect so I have no idea why it would look like this. I’ve always kept an eye on it over the years and never seen it do this before. I’m so confused, is the universe trying to stop me from moving?

Disappointed isn’t the word, frustrated is definitely in there. I think I’m a hard worker and I do everything that I can for my family. I don’t even have new clothes or buy makeup for myself anymore. I can’t remember the last time I had my hair cut or got dressed up to go out. I just seem to work, clean and provide. Anything that I do is for the family. We do have fun times, my granddaughter has to have experienced but we don’t take lavish trips. I would love to take them to another state just to see what it looks like somewhere else, but that’s financially out of the picture. Sometimes we’ll go for drives but that’s normally within a 50-mile radius of where we live.

I’m super tired of feeling defeated all the time like I get one step ahead for someone to come along and push me back 10. I’m tired. When is it my time for something to go right? Do I get jealous? Of course, I think that’s just human nature but I don’t act on it or act out on it I should say. I mean, truly, what 20-year old is going to take that lottery money and do something that actually means something? Why doesn’t someone that needs it ever win? I remember hearing, years ago, about a woman that drove her car to claim her lottery and her car was just like my last one. She described rolling the window down with a pair of pliers and I was so truly happy for her. Then Sheila Ryan I believe is the woman that set up a charity with her winnings, how wonderful and thoughtful, she deserved to be blessed.

I should stop this type of thinking because the lottery isn’t going to save me or my family. I was always taught that hard work will always pay off but I’m really not seeing it right now. Is this one of my low points, probably one of my lowest in a while. My family won’t see it because I tend to keep it to myself, they only know that I am working towards getting us out of here. Sometimes I just wish that someone knew what I was going through and could guarantee that it will get better. Just to know that my feelings are valid and not for nothing. I would say that I’ve wasted tears on this but I just don’t have any left to cry.

A miracle, I can’t say that I pray for them anymore because I can’t say the last one that I’ve seen. Negative is not who I usually am but the feeling that I have right now is just so overwhelmingly negative and heavy, could it be a bit of my depression? That is what it feels like so maybe I need to address it that way. I have to work today but then have two days off, maybe I should plan to take the grandbaby to the park or something, get some sunshine as we’re captive in our house all the time.

I wish I had someone close to me to talk to and be weak with while not being judged. I have a sister that I’m close to but not like this, she would talk to me and everything but when we get together it’s usually the grandbabies playing and a lighter visit so there really is no alone time to talk. I have to be alone with myself on this and it’s eating me alive.

One more day, one more step, I guess it’s better than just not stepping at all.

 

Money

Getting the pleasure to work from home is something that took years in the making. Paying my dues shall we say, is just how it was taught to me. But work was never removed from the option of being at home. When I was younger, growing up in a single parent home due to the passing of my father, my mother constantly worked in order to support our home and family. Before the passing of my father, she would always be doing something in the house. Clean bed sheets were always a nightly joy after leaving the shower and putting on your clean pajamas. Dishes were done and the floor was washed, every single day. After my fathers passing; not only did she still do these things until us children were old enough, but she also took on working outside the home. Strong woman with strength that no muscle could ever come up against. Funny how those two words are not used the same or at least understood the same.

Strong also strength is associated with that of physical capability and not with emotional stamina anymore. To say someone is strong we put upon them the burden of proof. Bulging muscles under tightly fitting clothes or the ability to lift and move something that the average human cannot. Yet being strong is not just about physicality; strength is also of the mind. Being able to lose your partner and still carry on tomorrow as it would normally be for your children; that takes strength. Consoling others while you need it yourself; that is strength. Taking the step forward into a world that you were not allowed to be in before; that is strength. Choosing to live when all of your body is telling you to lay down and give in. It is moments like these that put our minds to the test of strength and although we sometimes fail, often we achieve what we never thought possible.

Work is normally associated with that of a job that pays that person, yet I hope the majority of us also do work around the house. It’s that confusion I think that propels most of the newer generation not to do productive things. Work has become a four letter word since most of them haven’t had to do any work around the house. It was normal in my house on Saturday mornings you would find us at home cleaning and not outside playing. We were not allowed to go outside until all the work was done along with the grocery shopping. Of course being kids we made the most out of it with music and the occasional argument. But even though it was hard on us, I look back with the fondest memories of that. We were working as a family to accomplish a common goal and what I couldn’t do, my older siblings pitched in.

We laugh now as we’ve gotten older about who gave who a bloody nose and who was caught kissing out in the tree out back. But those memories are always of the family and not generally an individual. So the work we did actually built our strength in both our new families and our every day life.

I am thankful that I was blessed with an amazingly strong mother to show me the right and wrong about these words. It’s not the money that brought me to be who I am and I don’t think it ever would have. It’s the work and the strength that she displayed and I followed; being a child I would never have done what she said but instead done what she did. I agree children rarely listen, but they do as they see and are shown.

So I hope that someday I will have passed this down at least to someone and keep the thought alive that if you work and build your strength, that with each new challenge you face, it will feel easier.

Well, I have a floor to wash so if you’ll excuse me.