Entitlement or Disrespect?

Today was a bit of an eye opening day for me. Eye opening in the sense of seeing how people have fallen to a new low. I’m not sure if it’s a low of their self respect or a low in their knowledge of proper etiquette for a job interview.

They’re currently hiring more customer service agents where I’m working and we had a handful of people come in. The first one was my niece, she had her hair straightened, her makeup done and business attire as she should have been. The other people that came in after her were, for lack of better description, like a busload of tourists let go at a flea market.

They came in sneakers, stretch pants and ponytails. The topper to the day started while I was at lunch. Someone came in and they walked her into the break room as the prior person wasn’t finished yet. Just as she went to sit down she was asked to come into the other room. I was in the break room for about another 20 minutes before returning to my desk. As I sit down, I noticed a young boy getting in and out of a car in the parking lot. He couldn’t have been more than 10 years old and he was moving around a lot. When I asked my coworkers, no one seemed to know if the girl had come in that car. I walked up the window when I thought I saw tiny fingers stick out one of the car windows. At that point my maternal instinct kicked in and I grabbed my boss and told him that there were children in the car out in the parking lot heat. I told him that I wanted to bring them inside the building and he walked out with me. As I got to the door of the car, I found a baby that was maybe four months old at the most! The young boy was nervous and kept saying that he just didn’t know us and wanted his sisters permission. My corporate supervisor that was there doing the interviews came out and told him that his sister gave permission.

The young boy was nervous and did everything right by not trusting us so I couldn’t blame him at all. He picked up the baby and walked around to the drivers side door where there was a toddler that could not have been two years old yet. He set the baby down and then took the toddler out and set him on the pavement. I immediately picked him up and told the boy to get the baby and I would hold the toddler because he was barefoot and couldn’t be on the hot tar. Poor little boy just seemed to give in and go in the building with us. My boss was busy getting two glasses of ice water when corporate brought the mother in the room.

The little boy told his sister, the girl interviewing, that the baby had a dirty diaper. She reached over and touched the diaper several times and said “it’s okay, he’s just wet”. The boy told her that the baby had soiled the diaper. She told him to go to the car and get a diaper. I took the baby and held him until the boy came in with a diaper. She was going to let him sit in that dirty diaper, not to mention already letting him sit in a hot car! She said that she didn’t have a babysitter and sounded like she was just rounding up one today and no one could help. I understand completely that in times of last minute needs, getting a babysitter is hard. But I also happen to know that because of the 4th of July holiday, these interviews were scheduled two weeks ago. She she had plenty of time to schedule someone. Even if not, why not just say something instead of leaving them in the car in this horrid heat?

I hate to think it but I don’t think she’s going to be asked back but she’s probably the one that really needs it.

The saying is true that you only have one chance to make a first impression and the ones that came in after my niece today were just mind blowing. These past few days of experiencing my own interview and then today with what I’ve seen, has truly opened my eyes in shock. What happened to having enough respect for yourself and others to show up clean and prepared? I can understand if you cannot afford more but you can tell when that’s the case. But today it was just total lack of effort. Do they assume that they’ll get the job anyway so they show up like that? Would that be called entitlement or disrespect?

Tomorrow, I believe, we will have more applicants and I’m almost afraid of what we’ll see. I do not want to see more children left in cars nor anyone wearing flip flops in. I hope that someone will come in and be prepared and dressed as properly as they can be and without stretch pants!

I’m going to hope for the best because they really do have great people working there now and they deserve to have someone nice working with them.  They need someone that works hard but can still take a joke and tell a joke also. I can hope for that for them. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

A Little Hard Work

I find myself at work sometimes wondering how companies can feel good when they know that their company doesn’t pay a living wage? I’m blessed to have a job, it’s better than not having one but I still cannot pay my bills on time with what I make. I’ve told my manager that I’m looking for a part-time job to add but to be honest, if someone would offer me a job that pays a living wage, I would take full-time.

Honestly, I’ve had two interviews so far with a government agency. This one pays pretty good, not the most that I’ve made but it would pay my bills each month with extra left over. The hours would be unpredictable so that is a downside but providing a paid for home and having food on the table. Being able to buy school clothes without anyone else’s help. I just can’t stop going after that division, every posting that I see within a reasonable driving time.

One of the interviews was truly strange. It was a group interview, which was weird in itself. When I was asked to come into the room for the “interview”, the only thing he did was read over the questions on the application, that was it! It was so strange. The second interview that I went to at a different location was a bit more normal. When I was asked to step in for the interview, he was cordial and actually had a conversation with me, I was so thankful. He said he selected me but he had to take his selections to three other people and see who gets chosen from there.

My sister and her husband helped to purchase four pair of pants. School is just around the corner and I won’t know what will be needed for supplies until we go to orientation. Little by little I fall further and further behind in everything and just pray that I’ll be able to dig us out.

I just don’t understand how I can sit in these interviews and can tell the people that won’t stick around but the interviewers don’t seem to. Am I missing something?

At my current job, they all know that I’m applying other places and I think some are jealous or just plain crazy. I was talking to a girl about it when another girl came up and said that she worked for it and didn’t like it. I knew she did but she did a completely different job and left it because she thought it was too hard. She tried to put in negative things to my conversation and say things that weren’t true about the position that I’ve been applying for. I spoke up and told her that she was wrong, that it was not what I was being told and seeing. She seemed to get upset that I went against what she was saying. Then she said “that’s what others said in that position, I knew them so if you think that’s good then go ahead” then turned and walked off so no one could say anything to her. I truly think that she’s a bit jealous that she gave it up before giving it a chance, or is it just that she has the mindset that since she has a masters degree that it’s below her?

My co-workers masters degree is in literature, yet she said she doesn’t want to be a teacher and now she sits behind a desk doing customer service for less than minimum wage. I don’t get the logic, nowadays employers don’t care what the degree is in, only that you have one. They don’t seem to care if you’re applying for something that is nowhere near what you studied but seem to think just because you have that degree that you can do anything. They completely confuse education with intelligence all the time. She’s a nice girl but why would you not want to work and make enough to pay your bills? With a masters degree, you have to have school bills? I guess her parents could have very well paid for it, I’m not sure. It just drives me crazy that when you have that step up to use and you don’t use it. Why bitch about your situation when you’re not willing to take a chance and do some work at a job you studied for?

Maybe I’m not making any sense or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. I just want to get paid a decent wage for an honest days work. There’s no entitlement here nor any intention to sit on my butt and let someone else carry the load. I consider myself a hard worker. Is being a hard worker a thing of the past? I know with everyone being on the computer more it’s hard to think of doing labor but what the heck? How does anyone get anything done anymore, hire someone to do it? Who are they hiring?

It’s frustrating but I just hope that I’ll hear good news from one of the interviews. I just hope and put it out there.

Silent Universe

How can a large family have different roles and the younger siblings seem to have the most common sense responsibilities? One would think that the older children would be the ones to take on the roles of keeping the family together once the parents have passed on. It seems my family is just thrown all out of wack because the older siblings don’t seem to know that they need to step up.

At a young age, I knew that I was going to be the one to care for her when she was ill. This never bothered me because to me, this was a blessing in hindsight. The opportunity of getting to know her as my friend came with the responsibility of being there for her.  While my older siblings left the house, got married and had kids of their own, I was home with my mother trying to help the two of us survive.

Since my mother passed, the older siblings just seemed to keep on doing their own thing. We’ve recently moved this past six months and that has made it easier for me to see two of my sisters but only one comes over to us. The other sister, well, I just don’t understand what’s going on because I’ve asked her to come over and it just doesn’t happen. My older brother suffers from depression as I do but he doesn’t seem to have it under control. I’ve tried to reach out to him but he refuses to answer me back. He seems to have contact with my younger brother but that is it.

My older brother makes really good money, more than double what I used to make before. But with his depression, he misses a lot of work so it’s my understanding that he lost where he was staying. My older sisters know this and yet I’ve not seen nor heard one of them offer him to come into their home. I’ve tried to contact him to see if he truly has nowhere to stay but I don’t know where he is or what his situation is because he refuses to answer me.

I do still have to live every day and provide for my immediate family but I could at least offer him a roof to be under if he needed. He would have to go to work because I’m not truly making the bills as it is so with one more mouth to feed and electricity to pay for, that could truly break the bank. I just don’t know what to do.

It seems that the most trying times in my life have always been things that I’ve had to experience alone. The responsibilities of paperwork while my mother was in the hospital and the time of her passing. The lawyers afterwards and the fighting to save the house when the state wanted to take it. My surgery after loss of blood, having them ask if anyone was waiting for me truly hurt when I had to say no. No one was concerned enough to be there when I came out of surgery.

Trying to get through to my older brother is something that again I seem to be doing on my own. I don’t know the area well enough to drive around and find him so I’m not sure how this is going to turn out but we’re not getting any younger. It just boggles my mind though that my other older siblings don’t seem bothered or willing to stop their lives for just a moment to reach out to him.

I wish I knew someone that had gone through this and could give me some advice. I have no idea how to figure this out and could sure use someone to talk to.

Guess it’s just me and the silent universe again tonight.

Just Once…..

The heat this weekend is breathtaking. When the sun is shining and the heat literally can take your breath away, it’s time to hide inside. The house isn’t as cool as it could be but I’m thankful that it’s cooler than outside. Sometimes I feel like my life itself is too hot to breath. It’s not that the events are exciting but instead that there are so many struggles to get through that I just don’t have time to breath in between them.

I had such a bad day at work Friday, I felt like a huge idiot and it’s hard to keep going into somewhere just knowing that you’re going to feel stupid at some point during that day. With no official training, learning what they do is like pulling teeth and they put you in the position of feeling stupid before you learn something. Anyways, I had to walk out of the office in order to calm down. If I didn’t need a job so badly, I would have left completely.  After I semi-calmed down, I went back inside the building but thought I would try to calm down more after work. I told my son that we would splurge for a movie at the drive-in, yes, they have a drive-in up here!

I didn’t care for the first movie so I was waiting for the second one. Half-way through the first movie, the dash started blinking and flashing an error message. I got it to stop but we had to wait for the intermission for me to get it going again. Well, it wouldn’t start at all during intermission so we ended up getting a jump and heading home. My nerves were through the roof at this point because I had no idea if it would die on us while trying to get home. Living in the woods can be nice but not when you think you might get stuck with a child in the dark and no cell service.

That night, I robbed Peter to pay Paul and got a battery online that we just had to get there and they would install. I couldn’t sleep and my nerves were still going in the morning. Thank goodness that the car started in the morning. We went and got the new battery but it didn’t calm me down. That night I went into the bathroom to find a scorpion on the wall! My nerves have been up since then and it’s been a few days. With being the only paycheck coming in, I’m barely getting by and that’s with juggling from one week to the next and now with this amount taken out, I just don’t know what’s going to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad that I found a job but I just wish it paid enough to pay the bills. I’m looking for either a replacement job that pays more or a part-time job to go with this one. There’s just not enough hours in the day nor money in the bank so it’s like being pulled tight at both ends. You ever see people playing tug-o-war and there is a handkerchief in the middle of the rope being pulled from one side to the other during the game? I feel like that handkerchief, being pulled and pulled from both sides. I’m just afraid that I’m going to fall into the mud below at some point.

There just has to be a bottom to all of this? Do you know what I mean? When I see someone spiraling out of control (usually of their own decisions) I think to myself that once they hit bottom, they will be able to really turn themselves around.  Well, I feel like I’m going in the down direction so why wouldn’t I also have a bottom and be able to get my footing? Am I exempt from having the opportunity or what? Why was I picked to have to go through all of this? Just once having an uplifting opportunity come my way would be nice.

I am thankful for many things in my life and wouldn’t change how that has come about. But being able to pay the bills on time, being able to get a haircut or even buy a new bra! Yes, I know a little personal but so true. I’m going to have to figure out how to get school clothes for my granddaughter and I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

My mind is so mentally tired right now that I think it could take away from my ability to plan a solution. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone stepping in and helping. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone taking over and telling me that everything is going to be alright.  Just once I would accept the help…..just once.

Working Clothes

My head is pounding tonight but things are starting to look up. If it’s a headache from being tired, I’m okay with it.

As my bank account dropped under $300, I received an interview for a job and was able to get it. I still won’t get a paycheck for another three days and at this time I believe, my bank account is now at $137. I’ve been making it stretch so that I have gas to get back and forth to work. Wow does that sound nice finally! I prayed and panicked and prayed again until finally something happened.

I’ve never done this area of work before but it is still customer service, so that is what I do best. At this point in time, I’m in the frustrated, feeling like a kindergartner lost looking for the bathroom stage. There are people working there that are a lot younger than I am and that’s always a weird feeling to have them try and teach you what they do. But everyone there is so nice and accepting of me. They tell me to give it at least two months before I even start to feel like I know what I’m doing. I can’t wait for that to be over so that I can truly do what I know that I can.

With not working at home, it’s taking a bit of getting used to not being home. I haven’t had the opportunity to meet new people in the past two and a half years. Working from home truly takes away an avenue of meeting people that everyone normally has. So having the opportunity to meet and talk to new people in person is a nice change.

To be honest, when I went on the interview, I wore makeup. For me, makeup is a big deal because I had stopped wearing it about seven years ago when my panic attacks started. With my panic attacks, they make me cry so I couldn’t keep applying more during the day. When I interviewed, corporate people were there so the makeup fit in. When they called and said I had the job, I was more than ready to wear makeup. But on that first morning, I sat down with all of the war paint and just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I ended up putting lotion and then just eye liner and mascara. I’m so glad that I went with this because I got there and corporate was not there. I don’t think any of the women in the office wear more than eyeliner and mascara. I would have stood out like a sore thumb and been so uncomfortable so it was a good choice.

Now I have the issues of just having real clothes, another thing when you work from home is that you don’t truly focus on your wardrobe.  I know, first world problem and I accept that and am thankful that it is what I’m facing right now and not something more. I am thankful that I have the problem of not enough clothes to wear to work.

I’m sorry that there is not much tonight, the headache is getting the best of me and it’s time to close my eyes. Thanks for hanging in there and listening when I felt finished, with no other options.

Tomorrow is a new day and it is welcomed into my world with great excitement again!

Keep Looking and Pray

I’m truly worried, to the point that I cannot sleep at night. Next month I have enough to make the car payment but that is it. I have to pay the car because without a car, I cannot go to job interviews. I’m scared of what’s going to happen because I’ve never been this far into unemployment.

It’s not for a lack of trying because my full time job right now is looking for a job. I’ve had three interviews but so far nothing has come from them. I will be reaching out to one of them tomorrow as it’s been a week and they said to call them. But really, if you have to call them, are they really considering you?

A job is a job and I’ve put in for a lot of things so that I can get working. Companies have no personal contact with applicants anymore and have no idea who is on the other side. I received a decline email from Aldi! I put in for a cashier position so that I can work and they said no. No, I haven’t worked retail in some years but heavens sake, what does that mean when you can’t even get a cashier position to say yes? My son says that he thinks they assume I’ve over qualified and that’s why they rejected me. But in the same thoughts, other jobs that are in my field, want a degree. Companies want to pay someone $10 and hour but require them to have a degree, it makes no sense.

It makes me wonder if I would be having better luck had we not moved. Is this happening because we moved out into the “country”? No matter where I work, if it’s not a work from home then I’m going to be driving upwards of 30 miles one way to work. It’s completely fine with me but I wonder if that plays into their decision making also.

Insurance companies keep reaching out to me but I have never applied to them. They want you to get your license and then sell for them but I can’t afford that. I truly have no interest in insurance but I’ll do whatever job I’m offered, I just can’t afford to pay to get a job. What else do I need to do?

Applying for jobs today is completely different from when I entered the workforce. Everything is on the computer and about 95% of the time, employers do not respond to your application with a no if they decide not to hire you. So with this empty void of not knowing, you keep going with the blind search on the computer. Companies do not see you as a person anymore, not at first. It used to be that you could present yourself to the company when you went in to fill out the application. This gave you a chance to get a feel for the company while they were able to start their opinion about you, it was a personal experience. Getting a job has nothing to do with the person that you are now, it’s about the person you are on paper.

I’ve been trying to think of things that I can make in order to sell but I can’t think of anything that anyone would want to buy. My best asset is how I relate to people and help them know that they’re appreciated and valued. Customers feel like cattle in today’s world, tag ’em, milk ’em and move ’em. This could be why so many companies are going out of business. If a customer is going to be treated like a blank dollar sign in person then why not just purchase online? The brick and mortar company doesn’t invest in the customer in the sense they need to in order to keep the physical door open. It’s sad but it’s been heading that direction for a long time now and unfortunately I’m on the end of paying  a price for it.

What does the future hold for us? The house is paid for but without electricity out here, it’s really dark and the water doesn’t come out of the well. My brain goes to a worse case scenario with all of what could happen. I’m applying for everything, no matter what it is. I can always keep looking while I have something else but if a grocery store won’t hire me, what the heck?

I’m relying on my faith and if you’ve been reading my blog then you know even that has been tested a few times. I still believe in the power of prayer but I don’t know if that revolves around the power of the mind or not. It gives me a little comfort at least but I don’t know how I’ll have comfort next month when the money is truly gone. I have $423.17 in the bank and that is it. I’ve made it stretch for six months and I cannot stretch it any further. What am I going to do?

Keep looking and pray.

All Ears

I’ve fallen into a bit of depression lately but I think it’s been pretty well hidden from others. It’s easy to do when you don’t see a lot of people on a daily basis. The feel that I need to cry has been with me for a few weeks now but I haven’t given into it yet.

The search for jobs is still ongoing and as of today, I have a problem that I just don’t know how to deal with. Five days ago I was invited for an interview and gladly went, however at the end of the interview she said that someone else had already tested for it and that this was only a part time position with no benefits. I left horribly defeated but kept up the job search. That afternoon, I received a voicemail asking if I was still interested in another position with a different company. I called it back but received their voicemail. This was agonizing as I had to wait for the weekend to pass.

Monday finally arrived and no call, so I called them back and was pleased that they wanted to interview me. We spoke for a bit on the phone and then was asked to interview in person and take some tests online. They scheduled the date and time to go in and sent me the links for the tests.

Today as I sat taking the tests at home, the phone rang and went to voicemail. The call was from the prior place saying that things have changed there and that they want me to come in for a “trial run”. This job pays $3 less an hour and I don’t know what’s exactly changed just yet as I haven’t called them back yet. I would much rather get the job that I have been scheduled to interview for but what if that one says that I’m not right for it? It’s like keeping one as a backup plan without them knowing, I’ve never been one to do that and have no clue how to do it.  I don’t even know if that’s the right thing to do.

I truly wish there was a person that had all the right answers that I could ask, what do I do? I’m so confused and don’t want to mess anything up and be wrong for my family. If there’s no other job then yes, I do want to take the one that they want me to “trial run” , but then again I’m assuming that it still isn’t a full job offer if they want to see how I do before they actually hire me, right?

Thinking right now is not my strong point as I can’t seem to get this downward fog out of my brain. Something needs to go right and I just don’t know how to turn it around. Has anyone else ever been in this situation before and if so what did you do? I need advice from someone that has been through this before and no one in my family seems to have been. Guess I’ll keep praying for the answers as I have for a while now. I know that when you pray, the answers are not in a voice to you but in everyday living so I assume that what is happening is supposed to happen?

If anyone out there knows what I should do, I’m all ears.

Sweet Tea and a Cool Breeze

I’ve been busy searching for jobs while keeping the bills paid, it’s a lot of stress. Putting on a happy face everyday when you’re truly not sure what is going to happen, how much longer can I do this?

One application did lead to a skills test, they said I passed the test but they weren’t asking me back for an interview. Other applications will simply get me an email saying that they’re no longer filling that position. I feel like I’m banging my head against a door that I don’t have the key for.

The money is really dwindling down and there’s not much time left with it. I just paid the available bills this morning and I just want to cry because I know that there are three more bills that just haven’t come out yet. I have to find a way to raise more money before running out. I’m thankful for the weather lately, it’s been a little chilly but not enough to need to have the heat on, this would really raise the light bill and I can’t do that right now.

I am very thankful for what we already have and have achieved these past few months. The hot cup of coffee by my side is more than someone else might have and I am thankful. Being so negative, I’m truly sorry for showing that side of me but here is where I feel that I can let that out.

We’ve been able to spend more time outside here, we could never do that before moving. Yesterday we put together a shed that I had purchased before losing my job. It got to be late so we have to finish putting on the roof of it today. But being outside and all three of us working together, my granddaughter was the gopher for us and she also made some pretty designs in the dirt. It was fun to watch her actually play in the dirt and just be a kid. It’s taken a bit of getting used to when it comes to being outside. Before moving, we felt captive in the house due to all of the violence there and now we can leave the windows open and be way out in the back property and know that no one is going to come in. I do still lock the door at all times but I don’t want that to change, it’s a habit that I think is still good no matter where you are.

Without money coming in, we’re learning how to stay home and enjoy each others company. There really haven’t been a lot of requests to do other things but the ability was still there before whereas it isn’t now. My son and his daughter planted seeds that we saved from vegetables and they’re actually growing. I have a feeling though that when they move them outside, the deer will eat them. But it’s nice to see them doing things together.

There’s still plenty of land to clear so when I’m waiting on new job listings to come up, we’ll be out in the yard cutting it down. My dream of sitting in a lawn chair with a glass of sweet tea while watching the kids play is getting closer, it’s what helps to keep me going sometimes.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new crop of listings but it is a holiday so possibly Tuesday for sure. I wish you the best of weeks and hope you do the same for me. Thanks for never judging me and just letting me vent sometimes.

Frog Under the Vanity

We’re living in the woods as some of you already know. It was super cold last night so I got up and started warming up the house. I had the entire place to myself for about an hour when my son and granddaughter started to wake up. I put the bacon on and I think that was my mistake because who can sleep through the smell of bacon?

We spent time together talking and enjoying the bacon when my sister let us know that she was coming over for a walk. When she got here, we ventured out into the woods in order to get our steps in. She weighs less than I do and has had a few weeks start on me so she’s faster right now. I did it though and we almost went 2 miles. I know that is nothing to a lot of people or even to my younger self as I use to work out, lift and run and was in the best shape of my life. But I don’t feel my best right now so I know I can do more. She’s going to push me and I can appreciate it but it sure was like I was coughing up a lung today. With the fast pace she was keeping me at and still not being over the cold of the century that won’t leave my chest. But I did it, the entire walk with no stopping and we didn’t run into any wild animals. There was one animal but it was farther down the dirt road but it looked like a huge cat. I kept telling them that it was too big to be a cat at that distance but they didn’t want to talk about it and kept going. So who knows if it really was a cat or something else. If it was something else, then I guess it’s not something that I needed to be close to.

I was proud to actually get it done but I know I have to keep it up because I have to answer to her. She’s my older sister and we’re the closest in the family, just because I think we’re most like each other. She and her husband have been such an amazing help to us and I’m very grateful.

We sat and talked for a while before she left and that was nice. But when she left, my son and I started to tackle the master bathroom and all of it’s horrible glory. There was still a puddle of water under the vanity (that I didn’t know was there). We got it cleaned out of the remaining bottles and water while my son removed a real live frog that he found in it also. We’ve had the door shut so I guess it’s just been living in the puddle of water. I tackled the shower stall, there are no words to describe how much dirt and mold were in there. I took the cleaner and put it all over it to let it soak a bit and then went in with the scrubber. It’s much better now but I can see where I missed and it’s definitely going to take a second cleaning if not a third also. But now the house smells like Bengay  but that’s the cleaner and it works like nothing ever before, we’ve used it on everything in the house and not just the toilets (because we replaced those). We discovered Lysol 10x Toilet Bowl Cleaner by accident but it’s been a lifesaver in our home. But it does smell like Bengay so we ended up opening all the windows to air it out. I have before pictures of the shower but I want to at least get another scrubbing before maybe putting pictures if anyone is interested?

Now we’re relaxing after all of this, just waiting for the chili to finish that I put in the crock pot earlier, this is always good on a cold night. Oh my goodness, I just realized that I’m typing about normal stuff. I know that no ones shower is like what I just faced but it’s still “cleaning a bathroom”. How long has it been since I’ve actually written about normal things, how weird to realize that.

Today was a good day and I’ll take it for what it was. I hope to have more of them where I feel good about it. Do you think that the universe is listening to me? I hope so.

Never to Love

I’ve had something cross my mind a lot lately and I’m not sure why it’s popping up now. Maybe it’s living closer to my sister and that’s because I can see the wonderful relationship that she has with her husband. I’m not jealous by any means and am truly happy for her, maybe the word is envious?

My life has always been doing what I have to do in order to survive. My siblings have all been able to go about leaving and growing their lives with relationships and children. I stayed and took care of my mother and then again my nephew when my mother passed. Now I am taking care of him and his daughter and in no way would ever change having them with me.

Sometimes I just miss the feeling of a companion that I can confide in and feel like a partner with. It’s not that I’ve never felt it, just that it’s been a very long time. To be honest, my reference to the feeling is something that I’m not sure if it was what it should have felt like. You see, he was leading a double life and I didn’t know for part of it and for the other part I thought I loved him and tried to work through it until it died out finally. So for me to say that I was in love with him, how could that be when I don’t know who he truly was. With that being said, were my feelings the way a normal relationship should feel or what is different since he was lying to me the entire time?

It’s weird, there are a lot of memories but one that always stands out is of my sister seeing us together. She was picking me up for some reason and we were in an apartment on the 2nd floor. This was a friends apartment but I don’t remember why we were there. I can see my self coming down the stairs in an amazing dress that just seems to flow across the steps. Then my memory stops but I can hear my sisters voice telling my mother that we really looked like we were in love. My mother didn’t like him and I’m pretty sure that she got a read on him the first time she met him. With the history that she had with my father, I think it’s just something that you instinctively know.

This was some time ago and I did date other guys after that, I’m thinking three or four. However, when my mother became too ill to work, I stayed with her more and only had one male friend that I would sometimes be able to see. We worked together previously and that was how we met. But when mom went into the hospital, he dropped off and found someone to occupy his time. I’m okay with him not following through because with him doing that, I had the chance to see what he was not made of. This was when my mother passed and it’s just been even more diligent survival since then.

This leads me to now. I don’t see real love ever happening to me at this point or in the future. I’m older now and truly do not feel that I’ve accomplished anything so what would I have to offer to anyone? I’ve gained weight and am not as youthful as I used to be. There isn’t much to put towards a nice wardrobe so it’s daily clothing, which is older, for me. I can’t remember the last time I sprang for a hair cut so I keep it in a ponytail or bun. Makeup left my routine when I started having panic attacks, there was no way to keep it fresh after crying.

I miss being held and that feeling of being safe but at this point in life, I think it’s just going to be a dream or wish you might say. But I am happy for anyone that has found it and kept it for a long time. It shows me that it’s not a dying thing although I will not be blessed with it.

Thanks for letting me gab a bit, it’s been on my mind and hopefully by letting it out, it will go away. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.